Tesco - Pile 'Em High says Competition Commission

The best way to tackle the dominance of Tesco in the supermarket sector and to improve conditions for struggling suppliers is to introduce more Tescos, the Competition Commission announced today. “If Tesco has dominance in a particular town, we will encourage the opening of another Tesco to provide competition and enhance the ability of local people to shop at Tesco. Tesco is the only answer to anything,” said a spokesman for the Commission. Meanwhile Tesco has announced that it is to start selling advice on improving competition in the supermarket sector in order to provide competition to the Competition Commission.

Prince Harry keeps downed birds in mini-Stalag Luft camp

Prince Harry has been shooting down birds that stray into airspace over the royal Sandringham estate in Norfolk and keeping them in a miniature Stalag Luft camp, similar to those run by the German Luftwaffe during World War II. "We are very much alike, you and I," Prince Harry told a captured wood pigeon. "Perhaps, if circumstances were different, I could have called you friend." Several birds are reported to be secretly working on a tunnel beneath the exercise yard, and hope to be back in the wild by Christmas.

Immigration: Home Office admits uncertainty

The Home Office last night admitted that it did not know its arse from its elbow. The uncertainty came as it emerged that officials had been unable to produce accurate migration figures for the last ten years. Migration minister Liam Byrne said: "The public is right to expect the government to have the right migration statistics. Two big changes are needed to get to grips with this: one, we must identify our arse properly, and two, we need a new system to track down our elbow. In the next couple of weeks we will announce exactly how we do it."

Say it ain't so, Pio

Italian monk Padre Pio, who was canonised in 2002, may have faked the stigmata that made him famous.

USA special report: Is the nation ready for a President in a dress?

Voters across America are reconciling themselves to the possibility of electing a commander-in-chief who wears make-up and a dress. "On the plus side, we are talking about a candidate from New York," says Tennessee resident Jason Clayborne. "They've got Macy's and Bloomingdales, and all that fancy finery and whatnot. Least we won't get shown up at the heads-of-state summits." Hillary Clinton has vowed to remain in pantsuits for the rest of the campaign.

Royal video shock: Disgraceful scenes shown for first time

Footage that will disgust millions.

World ends after scientists forget to move Doomsday Clock back to GMT

Story.

Chapeau: Chive Turkey

Fierce row over resuscitation

A row has broken out over whether ailing patient RESPECT should be resuscitated. A spokesman for the patients' group Dignity in Dying said it was time for George Galloway to let go. "Unnecessarily resuscitating a patient in the last weeks of their life can often prolong suffering," he said. Not everyone agrees. Socialist Worker Party members are thought to want RESPECT to die writhing in prolonged and tortured agony, broken, convulsing around on the floor like a demented fish.

Breaking news - Science desk

Dolphins used to look like humans and lived in
Atlantis. Say Russians.

Femail advice on controlling weight

Eat, bitch!

Diet, bitch!

UPDATE: Jungle fears for Gemma Atkinson figure:

Yates: The question Blair refused to answer in honours inquiry

Do you have a licence for that minkey?

Daily Express is a big worry for most Britons

The Daily Express is “a big problem,” according to three-quarters of Britons. Half the nation also believes that controlling the huge numbers of copies of the paper in the country is the most worrying issue facing the nation today.

Others however have welcomed the paper's campaign on immigration. One contributor to the Express comments page urges readers to vote BNP. "Heaven help this UNELECTED JOCK SQUATTER DEAF DESPOT whom will destroy ENGLAND in favour of HIS beloved Jockland.......this tiny island which was once OURS. Our rivers and gutters will run red with blood, you have been warned."

Another contributor adds: "This cannot be a real problem as the BBC have not mentioned it in the news. Yesterday’s lead story was about badgers. I suppose the fact that badgers have black markings and that to cull them is racist was probably the prime reason for the BBC making this the main news item."

A Downing Street spokesman said today that the Unelected Jock Squatter Deaf Despot would be making an announcement on the issue in the next few days.

Sports desk - A nation mourns

Public sadness about millionaire Premiership footballers 'mugged' over charity donations will today be lifted by news that the minimum wage goes up this month by 17p an hour.

Pop Quiz

What is the connection between MC5, The KLF and a Bavarian secret society?



Who knew? As this commentator points out: "In no sense, Nonsense ????"

Psychic world shocked over rival claims

The psychic and clairvoyant community is in a state of shock after rival claims were made to the crown of Britain's top medium. In one corner Gordon Smith is hailed by the Daily Mail as "the UK's most accurate medium". In the other corner fellow psychic Stephen Holbrook is similarly described in publicity as "Britain's 'most accurate' medium". Professional clairvoyant Graham Booth claims he and his colleagues are reeling at news of the dispute. "We are very surprised at recent developments," he told reporters today.

Police probe London man

A London man is being questioned at the high security Paddington Green police station after an extraordinary outburst at work. A police spokesman confirmed that a 41 year old man, thought to be Camden lawyer David Burns, is being detained. "Officers were called to offices in Central London yesterday afternoon after the suspect was asked in a meeting what was on his mind. The suspect's answer to that question has now been running for more than fourteen hours and has led to several promising lines of enquiry."

Fire no longer walks with me

President of France Leland Palmer has today announced his divorce from his wife, Sarah. The couple issued a statement claiming that the split was amicable. Speculation had mounted in the French media in recent months after Mrs Palmer had been linked to an individual known only as Bob l'assessin.

(h/t Dave)

Fears for Torin Douglas as stories about the BBC threaten to overwhelm

Despite announcing massive job cuts in its news service today, the BBC has revealed that it will be launching a new dedicated channel - devoted exclusively to rolling news about itself. The channel will provide a 24 hour, seven days a week platform for BBC journalists to discuss their terms and conditions and to bitch about their bosses. It will also provide a much needed outlet for gleefulness at the departure of disliked colleagues. It has not yet been revealed whether Richard Bacon will be among the 500 "journalists" to lose their jobs today.

Breaking News: Crime Desk

Woman prosecuted for swearing at own toilet.

Debate over the existence of free will hits Britain

Overeating not your fault!

But drinking too much is!

Senior Lib Dems: Ming chose his own moment to go

Many prefer to pull out their own teeth - poll

Liberal Democrats would rather pull out their own teeth than have Sir Menzies Campbell lead the party into the next election, a poll has revealed.

Breaking news - Invisibility and electromagnetic wormhole desk

Invisibility technology could be used to generate electromagnetic wormholes, say boffins.

As Bad As A Mile

Watching the shied core

Striking the basket, skidding across the floor,

Shows less and less of luck, and more and more

Of failure spreading back up the arm

Earlier and earlier, the unraised hand calm,

The apple unbitten in the palm.

Philip Larkin

Labour faces new copycat allegation

The Labour government faced new accusations of aping Conservative policies today, following David Cameron's embrace of Arnold Schwarzenegger (see below). In a surprise move which Number 10 said was unrelated to Cameron's recent US visit, Gordon Brown announced that he was to star in a remake of "Twins", the 1998 comedy that paired the former Hollwood star and bodybuilder with Danny DeVito. Ian McCartney, the former Foreign Office minister, is rumoured to be a shoo-in to co-star.

Cameron: 'Look at me and think of Schwarzenegger'

Story.

Peace prize awarded jointly to Al Gore and beard

Al Gore's former beard was today urged to enter the race for the White House after it was jointly awarded the Nobel Peace Prize along with the former Vice-President. Mr Gore's beard this evening declined to rule out a run for the presidency.

Tony Blair sends message of support to beleaguered Brown

Brown reignites 'Britishness' debate

Gordon Brown today tried to put his difficult week behind him by announcing that moustaches are to be made compulsory for all British men. The move is a return to the regulations which made moustaches obligatory for soldiers in the 1860s, at which time the 'hirsute accessory' was credited with helping to build the British Empire. A spokesman for the Prime Minister confirmed this afternoon that Mr Brown's own moustache will be brushed and pomaded, trained with iron curling tongs and its follicles fertilised with unguents.

Pigs and men

Gordon Brown today denied that the government was panicking and letting the Conservatives set the political agenda, after the government's pre-budget report yesterday appropriated Conservative proposals on inheritance tax and non-domiciles.
The Prime Minister responded to the criticism as he announced the rolling out of non-means tested hereditary baronetcies for all working families. "And I will not rest," he said, "until every child in Britain has a place at Eton.
"I mean, at a good school."

Poverty eradicated in Kensington and Chelsea

The Labour government today opened up a new axis in its fight against poverty with massive tax breaks for the adult offspring of unbroken homes. Chancellor Alistair Darling, his voice cracking with emotion, described the difficulties faced by these individuals whose parents have failed to divorce and whose childhood homes are now worth more than the dreams of avarice. The Child Poverty Action Group welcomed the move. “We are delighted. These people have never had anything to worry about and frankly, they shouldn’t have to start now”.

John Lennon: Yer Blues

Huge jungle beast scared off by buzzing insect

Full story.

Secrets of reincarnation revealed

Find out if you too were Genghis Khan in a past life.

Breaking News - Aliens Desk

Aliens forced Americans from Moon. Say Russians.

Al Fayed fury at inquest witness ruling

Lawyers for Mohamed Al Fayed have failed in a bid to summons a seven foot tall blood-drinking reptilian from the star system Alpha Draconis to court to give evidence at the inquest into the death of Al Fayed's son Dodi and Diana Princess of Wales. Speaking yesterday after acting deputy coroner Lord Justice Scott Baker refused the application Mr Al Fayed said, "I'm certain of what happened. I know they were murdered. I will not rest until we find the shapeshifting Royal Family lizards who took the life of these two innocent people."

Economists inspect full details of Tory tax plans

Osborne: We will tax rich Johnny Foreigner until the pips squeak

Shadow Chancellor Gideon Osborne, pictured on the right, arrives at the Blackpool Conservative Party conference today. Hats off!