Tory Conference: Cameron and Osborne put on their serious face

Story.

Babies desk

for Doris

Music Desk - French music not at all bad shock: Serge Gainsbourg

Carla Bruni resolves to try harder or shut up.

Nick Clegg: Make It Milky With Two Sugars

Nick Clegg wowed the Liberal Democrat faithful yesterday in his first conference speech as leader as he promised to guide his party to victory at the next election. His confident claim echoed the cry by former leader David Steel in 1981. Clegg received a three second standing ovation as he told delegates: "Go home to your constituencies and prepare yourself a lethal cocktail of prescription drugs you bunch of weirdy vegan bastards."

Capitalism rethinks approach to state intervention

Story.

Labour MPs rally round PM

Cull story.

A Tory

Story.

"Lipstick on a pig" comment provokes fury

Story.

First moments of Universe re-created

Cheers mingled with celestial choirs this morning as an experiment got underway to show God as He appeared in the first billionths of a second of His six day project to create light, darkness, the heavens, the Earth and sea, the sun and moon, living creatures, and man in His own image. The totality of creation was described by God after the experiment, as "very good." A spokesman for the project was happy with the outome too. "Here's to the next six thousand years," he said.

Paris Hilton in armed seige at Observer Woman

Paris Hilton and a coterie of violent valley girls have orchestrated an armed hijack at the offices of Observer Woman. News of the ambush leaked out on Sunday as newspaper readers turned to the Observer Woman supplement to find that journalists had been forced, at gunpoint, to print a series of inane and vacant ramblings in place of the intelligent writing they had been expecting.

The magazine was littered with Hilton's trademark excitable prose including "timeless classics are, like, totally hot right now" and "Want. It. Bad. And. Soon." in relation to a coat. Hilton's unmistakable use of italics, capitals and even exclamation marks to emphasize the more important points about cosmetic surgery, handbags and skirts was evident throughout and reached a dangerous peak in the menacing: "Also - perfect sleeves, people!"

Hilton and her gang are reported to be holed up in the Observer office and police fear they may be planning a similar stunt at the Economist.

Bowser Award*

This month's Bowser Award goes to The Guardian for:

Higgs boson.

Runner-up.

Regional.

Congratulations to all.

*The Bowser is awarded monthly** to the journalist who most confidently uses the buzzword of the moment as if he or she knew what it meant last week.

**Or whatever.

Gordon Brown relaunch: Britain responds

Story.

Daily Mail in change of editorial direction shock

Credit Crunch due to last till 2010; Rain forever; Knife crime on the rise; Fuel bill crisis; but remember, while there's music and love and romance......

Dance Desk: Zorba!

Karen Walker leaves Will & Grace to run for Vice President

Permanently drunk, pill-popping, sharp-tongued floozy Karen Walker appears to be running for US Vice President. Electors are expecting tax breaks on uppers, downers and vodka. Her opinion on the South Ossetia conflict is not known.

Six thousand years ago, in a galaxy far, far away....

The Force is strong with this one.

Complaint over blasphemous image

The image of an aroused Charles Clarke suggesting that Gordon Brown should resign if he does not improve has led to complaints that the former Home Secretary outrages public decency and causes harassment, alarm and distress. The six foot statue, previously thought to be impotent, serves no other purpose than to offend and to denigrate, according to leaked court documents.

Toon Army hail return of conquering hero

Bonjour.

Keegan says his goodbyes

Au revoir.

World leader tranquillises big cat

Kremlin strongman Gordon Brown has once again shown the world that he's not a man to be messed with. Camouflage-clad Mr Brown is reported to have shot an enraged six foot pussy cat with a tranquillizer gun after it had freed itself from a restraint. The latest macho act comes after years of angling for a promotion.