Royal Navy on standby to rescue David Cameron

Three Royal Navy ships have been sent to rescue thousands of Tories stranded by the volcanic Clegg. Tests yesterday showed that the quantities of Clegg in British airspace is lower than previously but scientists fear further eruptions might dash Tory hopes of a return home. The air traffic control company NATS said in a statement: "A new Clegg cloud is spreading south and east towards the CCHQ and the situation for Mr Cameron this morning remains uncertain." Desperate Tories have been returning home any way they can, many resorting to old fashioned Tebbitism.