Thursday, 20 August 2009
Monday, 17 August 2009
Friday, 14 August 2009
Thursday, 13 August 2009
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Monday, 20 July 2009
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Monday, 13 July 2009
Friday, 10 July 2009
Friday, 3 July 2009
Thursday, 2 July 2009
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
Friday, 26 June 2009
Thursday, 25 June 2009
At a tearful press conference, Indiana's Republican governor Mitch Daniels admitted that he has not been unfaithful to his wife, potentially scuppering his hopes of a run at the presidency in 2012. With a promising career in tatters, Daniels begged forgiveness of his family and party.
"I take strength from God, my daughters and my loving wife," Daniels said. "And I hope my fellow Republicans can forgive me for this shameful episode of not doing anything to be ashamed of."
The Republican party, long a bastion for white men that privately indulge in extra-marital affairs, prescription drug abuse, racism and approaches to underage boys while preaching strong family values, has been rocked by the revelations of a lack of revelations.
"It's a sad day for the party," Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele says. "You think you can trust a fellow GOP man to go behind the back of everyone close to him and still advocate hypocritically for biblical moral values. But I guess there's always a few non-rotten apples in every barrel."
Friday, 19 June 2009
Thursday, 18 June 2009
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
Friday, 12 June 2009
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
Opera fans are flocking to a rare performance of Richard Wagner's "Gördondämmerung" at the Westminster Opera House of Commons. One of the composer's lesser-known works, the piece is the last in the epic four-opera cycle "Der Ring des Nr. 10 Downing Straße" and recounts the legend of the hero Brownhilde, whose quest for power ends in the fiery drawn-out death of his party's popularity. The current performance, which is proving to be one of the longest in the world of opera, includes the arias "O, diese expensen!", "Keine Rheinmaiden lieben mich", and the show-stopping "Verdammte europäische electionen". The saga is expected to end in Brownhilde's defeat at the apocalyptic battle of Generalelectionarok next year.
Friday, 5 June 2009
Thursday, 4 June 2009
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Reports are filtering out from Browntown of a horrifying mass-suicide. Browntown, the informal name for the Government of the United Kingdom, is named after the co-founder of the New Labour cult, Gordon Brown. Followers of Brown, known as Ministers, are reportedly committing suicide as part of a bizarre ritual known as "reshuffling". Details of the ritual are sketchy, but it is believed that Brown intends to cast some of his followers out of the cult, and to elevate preferred acolytes, in an attempt to propitiate their god, Gallup-Mori. Some Ministers who are to be cast out into the wilderness (the "back of the benches", in cult lore) have chosen self-immolation instead, with one case reported of seppuku, or disemboweling oneself on one's own second home.
Browntown began as a benign experiment in social democracy but conditions have recently deteriorated. Ministers have complained of intrusive media attention, an atmosphere of paranoia, and an unusual number of accountancy errors. Brown's behaviour has become increasingly erratic, and some cult supporters are praying for delivery by a mythical "postman".
Sunday, 31 May 2009
Wednesday, 27 May 2009
Republican representative and leading member of teenage gang 'the Jets' Tom Tancredo has unexpectedly fallen in love with President Obama's nominee for the US supreme court, Puerto Rican-American judge Sonia Sotomayor. Tancredo, until now a strident critic of illegal immigration and who once compared Miami with the third world, risks alienating other members of his gang, who have been reluctantly ceding control of the west side of Congress to the rival Democratic 'Sharks' gang since 2006. "Sonia. I just met a girl called Sonia," he says. "And suddenly that name will never be the same to me."
Tancredo's Republican Senate colleague Mick Huckabee, who plans to challenge Democrats to a rumble at the congressional dance later tonight, is gonna bust his head when he hears about Tancredo's fixation on Sotomayor, who he mistakenly called Maria. "When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way," says Huckabee. "From your first cigarette to your last dying day."
Republican Representatives are joining in the debate by approaching Democratic counterparts while crouching and snapping their fingers.
Friday, 22 May 2009
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Saturday, 16 May 2009
"Norman Stanley Fletcher, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner. We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offences: you will go to prison for five years."
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Monday, 11 May 2009
I'm absolutely outraged that I used my second home allowance to buy a 40 ft yacht. I was astonished to find myself claiming for ball girls and cocktails which are absolutely necessary to allow me to function as an MP in my far flung constituency in the heart of London and back down in Westminster but which are also symptomatic of a failure of all of us, of Parliament, and a failure of the system. I'm disgusted to find that I claimed £100,000 in mortgage interest payments on the second home of my polo ponies, although to be fair everyone was at it and anyway do you have any idea how much I would be earning in the City, well, would have been earning if I could have got a job which I couldn't and anyway there are none left. It is utterly unacceptable that this rotten SYSTEM allowed me to flip my houses so fast and so profitably that frankly I've been munching on big golden Quarter Pounders for the last few years. We have to change THE SYSTEM root and branch for the sake of the people of Britain, who are hurting, sitting in their one houses, with their no jobs. And to draw attention to my family wealth is neither here nor there, I mean, do you have any idea how much it costs to dredge a moat? It's not good enough and I'm as appalled as you are at my ooh, look, a squirrel!
Labels: mps' expenses
Friday, 8 May 2009
MPs will no longer be able to claim any allowances for the homes they live in while attending to Parliamentary duties at Westminster, it was revealed today. Under the new regulations, they will be provided with a big tent on Parliament Square and each of the 646 members will be issued with a sleeping bag and a camp bed. Although space will be tight, it is thought that matters will be eased somewhat by the absence of the Prime Minister who will be busy at Downing Street, unblocking the kitchen sink and putting a load in the washing machine.
Thursday, 7 May 2009
The quiff of Health Secretary Alan Johnson has been
installed as favourite to become the next leader of the Labour Party. James Purnell's sideburns are third favourite, whilst David Miliband's barely detectable bumfluff has slipped to fourth.
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Cartoon chicken Foghorn Leghorn is leading strong opposition among Republican legislators against President Barack Obama's nomination to replace retiring Supreme Court justice David Souter. Leghorn, a failed nominee for a position as a federal judge, represents Republican senators that are up in arms and flightless wings against whomever Obama appoints to the nation's highest court. Although no one has yet been nominated, Republicans fear it might be a woman or a black or something. "I say, I say, I say, boy!" Leghorn says. "Put that gavel down, now. Y'all are not fit to wear that there gown, y'hear?" The Senate judicial committee's leading Republican, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, was unavailable for comment, as he has been taunting a dog that will run at him until its leash jerks it back, making it yelp.
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP
Chancellor of the Exchequer
Rt Hon Alistair Darling MP
Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs
Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State for Justice and Lord Chancellor
Rt Hon Jack Straw MP
Secretary of State for the Home Department
Rt Hon Jacqui Smith MP
Secretary of State for Health
Rt Hon Alan Johnson MP
Secretary of State for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform
Rt Hon Lord Mandelson
Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs
Rt Hon Hilary Benn MP
Secretary of State for International Development
Rt Hon Douglas Alexander MP
Leader of the House of Commons and Lord Privy Seal
Rt Hon Harriet Harman QC MP
Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government
Rt Hon Hazel Blears MP
Secretary of State for Transport
Rt Hon Geoff Hoon MP
Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families
Rt Hon Ed Balls MP
Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change
Rt Hon Edward Miliband MP
Secretary of State for Work and Pensions
Rt Hon James Purnell MP
Secretary of State for Northern Ireland
Rt Hon Shaun Woodward MP
Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport
Rt Hon Andy Burnham MP
Chief Secretary to the Treasury
Rt Hon Yvette Cooper MP
Friday, 1 May 2009
Thursday, 30 April 2009
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Monday, 27 April 2009
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
The organisers of the 2009 UN Conference to promote antisemitism have declared themselves delighted with the first day of the Geneva conference yesterday. The keynote speaker, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, "pushed all the right buttons", said a conference organiser. "To have the world's most famous Holocaust denier speak on the eve of Holocaust Remembrance Day? A masterstroke!"
The head of the UN Human Rights Council, the body responsible for the conference, also expressed pleasure at the outcome. "Listen, we've got Russia, China, Azerbaijan, you name it on this Council. Saudi Arabia, for Chrissakes. Filthy regimes, the lot of them. And the only country we ever criticise is you-know-who. So we had a lot to live up to."
BONUS UNITED NATIONS FUN: