Monday, 31 December 2007
Sunday, 30 December 2007
Thursday, 27 December 2007
Saturday, 22 December 2007
Friday, 21 December 2007
Thursday, 20 December 2007
Downing Street today launched a review into Christmas with the effect that Christmas Day has been postponed for at least six months and will fall in June 2008 at the earliest. The move is further evidence of the Prime Minister's determination to distance himself from Blairite policy and comes after the previously announced reviews into the relaxation of gambling and drinking laws. The conservative party this morning responded by calling Mr Brown increasingly weak and indecisive. "This is a million miles away from the decisive leadership he promised," said a spokesman.
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
Vladimir Putin has proposed creating a new "Politics Czar" government position, which he could move on to fill when his Russian presidential term ends in March. The holder of the new post – which Putin suggests could carry the formal title "Czar of all the Russias" – would be responsible for ensuring autocratic rule, encouraging pogroms against minorities, and reinstituting serfdom for the poorest third of the population. Time Magazine named Putin "Person of the Year" for 2007 because Al Gore was not despotic enough, although third-placed JK Rowling was briefly considered.
A US businessman has bought a rare copy of the Magna Carta, and plans to donate it to his government as a replacement for the missing Constitution. David Rubenstein paid £10.6mn in an auction at Sotheby's in New York for the 800-year old document, which will now be kept in the same display case as the original Constitution, last seen being taken by vice-president Dick Cheney into his private washroom nearly three years ago. White House spokesperson Dana Perino says that president George Bush is unhappy at the limits the Magna Carta puts on his office, and plans to challenge attempts by Baron Henry de Bohun of Hereford, Baron Eustace de Vesci, Lord of Alnwick, and the ACLU, to make him renounce kingly prerogatives, respect the right of habeas corpus, and accept that his will could be bound by the law.
Nick Clegg's announcement that he will create a nationwide panel of families to advise him on the issues of concern to them has led to some radical rethinking of Liberal Democrat policies. Early polling suggests the key issues of concern to ordinary families across Britain include the unavailability of Nintendo DS in time for Christmas; the treatment of X-Factor's Rhydian and the proliferation of parent and child parking spaces in Asda's car park. Proportional representation and the future of Kosovo were not thought to feature in the top ten.
Monday, 17 December 2007
Sunday, 16 December 2007
The Queen has her own lockup, it was revealed this week, as Customs & Excise admitted that smuggled goods, fags and drugs had been nicked from the depot - officially titled "The Queen's Warehouse". The Queen and a sheepskin coat-wearing Prince Philip are thought to make regular trips to the lockup, usually in a yellow three-wheeled Robin Reliant. A spokesman for the Royal family refused to comment on claims that Prince Philip was indeed "a plonker".
Friday, 14 December 2007
Wednesday, 12 December 2007
Tuesday, 11 December 2007
Monday, 10 December 2007
Sunday, 9 December 2007
Friday, 7 December 2007
Wednesday, 5 December 2007
Tuesday, 4 December 2007
A group of researchers issued a warning yesterday that ingestion of a commonly-found substance can dramatically increase the chances of dying. The substance, known as "food", can be found in many shops and homes in Britain and around the world, although it is rarer in parts of Africa. A survey of a number of people in a place showed that 84% of those who ate food suffered ill health at some point over a subsequent period, with 21% of them showing a marked increase in the incidence of cancer, heart disease and other ailments. Dr Marion Chung, co-author of the report, said, "This report should be a wake-up call to those people who have been eating food on a regular basis without paying attention to the consequences. If they continue eating, although it may keep them going in the short term, in the long run they will die."
Monday, 3 December 2007
Friday, 30 November 2007
Thursday, 29 November 2007
Wednesday, 28 November 2007
The gaiety of the nation was greatly enhanced this week by Heat magazine's decision to ridicule a disabled 5 year old child. Readers were delighted by the free stickers given away with the latest edition which mocked Harvey Price, the severely disabled son of glamour model Jordan. The public was further entranced by editor Mark Frith's novel take on a heartfelt apology. "No offence was intended, but if any was caused we would like to apologise" chortled Frith who is thought to be a grown adult.
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
Michael Bond, creator of Paddington Bear, went into hiding yesterday after widespread threats from trainspotters. Bond, 81, has been accused of demeaning one of the holy sites of trainspotters, by naming his cartoon bear after Paddington Station.
Stan Grimshaw, a trainspotter from Acton, claimed to be speaking for a billion trainspotters worldwide. "I am deeply offended," he said. "This blasphemer should know that the name of this bear disrespects the great Station of Paddington. As penance, Bond will be tied to the tracks outside Didcot and lashed by the wheels of the 15:09 to Bristol Temple Meads."
Monday, 26 November 2007
There was uproar tonight as BNP leader Nick Griffin and Holocaust denier David Irving apologised for attending an Oxford Union debate on free speech. "We are mortified," said Griffin. "We thought we were coming to a Combat 18 committee meeting. We had no idea we'd have to talk to a bunch of over-privileged nitwits who think they're future Tory cabinet ministers."
David Irving said, "We must starve them of the oxygen of publicity. Look at me. Heil Hitler."
Sunday, 25 November 2007
TV funny man Chris Morris has satirised left wingers in an article for The Observer. The Brass Eye frontman, famous for conning gullible celebrities into commenting on subjects on which they know nothing, turns his sights on left wingers anxious to appease the reactionary religious right, brilliantly exposing their hilarious and self-righteous leaps to the defence of Islamists.
Chris Morris has written an article about Martin Amis. Who is a RACIST.
Friday, 23 November 2007
A generation of confused Britons was vindicated today as it emerged that the Falkland Islands are indeed off the coast of Cornwall, as many originally assumed. Long-standing suspicions about the Islands' exact whereabouts were confirmed today with news that the Falmouth Coastguard had helped to rescue 150 passengers from a stricken cruise liner in the Antarctic Ocean - 800 miles south of the Falkland Islands.
Befuddled Briton, 46 year old Sarah Reid described herself as relieved on hearing the news: "I've been confused since 1982 - this really puts my mind at rest".
Thursday, 22 November 2007
In a traditional Thanksgiving ceremony at the White House this week, US president George Bush granted pardons for two turkeys, named May and Flower. In return, the president said he expects their full support in case any unspecified “legal difficulties”, as he put it, should arise after his term ends. “These two fine American birds embody fine American values,” Bush told reporters. “I hope they will understand the core American value of ‘I scratch your back, you scratch mine’.” The president added that he would be putting May and Flower forward as nominees to join the Supreme Court early next year.
Wednesday, 21 November 2007
It was revealed today that the identities of 11 English footballers have been lost due to poor organisation and incompetence. There are fears that their personal details may already have fallen into the hands of a bunch of overpaid prancing ninnies. England tonight lost to Croatia 25 million nil.
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
Monday, 19 November 2007
Sunday, 18 November 2007
Friday, 16 November 2007
Thursday, 15 November 2007
US pressure group Swift Boat Veterans for Truth has criticised Senator Hillary Clinton for her lack of front-line combat duty in the Vietnam war. “Where was Hillary at Khe San? Where was Hillary at Da Nang?” said spokesman John O'Neill. Swift Boats was formed to fight Democratic candidate John Kerry’s military record during the 2004 presidential race, but was criticised for being a partisan lobby with ties to President Bush's re-election campaign. The group has yet to comment on the Vietnam war experiences of leading Republican candidates Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani.
Wednesday, 14 November 2007
Tuesday, 13 November 2007
Monday, 12 November 2007
Friday, 9 November 2007
Thursday, 8 November 2007
The announcement that Newsnight is to feature phone-ins hosted by Richard Bacon was greeted positively today by the social incompetents, insomniacs and bored night shift workers who call his Radio FiveLive show. Meanwhile, CBEEBIES' Mr Tumble has been appointed to post of Lord Chancellor and will take up a seat in the House of Lords. Viewers with an informed opinion on the quality of television news journalism can vote by pressing the red button now.
The Conservative Party has moved quickly to distance itself from Frank Lampard, after the Chelsea and England footballer declared himself a fan of the party and its leader David Cameron. "Mr Lampard plays for an unpopular team of well-off misfits and underachievers, that has been funded by money of dubious overseas origin," shadow cabinet office minister Francis Maude said. "There's no place for him in the Conservative Party." Lampard has tried to vote Conservative in previous elections, but has repeatedly spoiled his ballot by putting the 'X' too far above the target box.
US forces in the Persian Gulf were put on high alert for possible military action, after vice president Dick Cheney's office claimed that Iran was encroaching on his side of the car. "Iran continues to flout international norms by refusing to stay on its side of the back seat," said Cheney spokesperson Lea Anne McBride. "The division is clearly marked by the armrest down the middle." Critics say the announcement is an attempt to draw attention away from impeachment proceedings against the vice president by providing a casus belli for an invasion of Iran, although Cheney's office denies that the comments are provocative. It is the second time this year that Cheney has spoken out publicly against the Teheran regime, after accusing Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in August of touching his stuff.