Observer Woman now officially beyond satire

Unpleasant yet banal drivel here.

Paris Hilton in armed seige at Observer Woman

Paris Hilton and a coterie of violent valley girls have orchestrated an armed hijack at the offices of Observer Woman. News of the ambush leaked out on Sunday as newspaper readers turned to the Observer Woman supplement to find that journalists had been forced, at gunpoint, to print a series of inane and vacant ramblings in place of the intelligent writing they had been expecting.

The magazine was littered with Hilton's trademark excitable prose including "timeless classics are, like, totally hot right now" and "Want. It. Bad. And. Soon." in relation to a coat. Hilton's unmistakable use of italics, capitals and even exclamation marks to emphasize the more important points about cosmetic surgery, handbags and skirts was evident throughout and reached a dangerous peak in the menacing: "Also - perfect sleeves, people!"

Hilton and her gang are reported to be holed up in the Observer office and police fear they may be planning a similar stunt at the Economist.

"Women are stupid, vain and shallow" - Observer Editor

A dangerous shortage of stories about Kate Moss, pictures of Kate Moss and tittle tattle about Kate Moss threatens the existence of Observer Woman Magazine, Olly's Onions has learned. The monthly magazine, which specialises in body-hatred, neurotic panic about ageing and the promotion of plastic surgery, botox and nasty but expensive handbags, marks an interesting departure for the Observer which was founded over two centuries ago as a forum for liberal politics and independent journalism. "We are trying to plug the Kate Moss gap with pictures of other models wearing clothes and more drivel about it-bags but we don't know whether we can hold out. It can't be long before we're forced into writing something intelligent" a spokesman said.