Monday, 30 March 2009
Friday, 27 March 2009
Catholics were delighted to learn that they will get the opportunity to marry into the royal family under new plans to reform the 1701 Act of Settlement. Catholics have long lobbied for the opportunity to marry into this famously supportive and functional family.
Gerry Adams - a prominent Catholic - professed himself thrilled at the opportunity: "Those marriages seem to work out really well" he said "And the children are just precious".
Thursday, 26 March 2009
US treasury secretary Timothy Geithner broke wind before the US Congress at a special clear-the-air meeting today intended to discuss the financial crisis.
"I didn't realise it was their turn," mumbled an embarrassed Geithner.
Monday, 23 March 2009
Saturday, 21 March 2009
The real reason for Natasha Richardson's death was revealed by the Telegraph yesterday. Her father and grandfather were bisexual (shudder), the Telegraph explains, and this curse on the family inevitably resulted in death and tragedy.
The Mail also finds the curse responsible for her uncle's heart attack while defending a Travellers' Site (shudder)and suggests that the gay curse may also have been responsible for Vanessa Redgrave's left wing politics (shudder, shake head, shudder).
Thursday, 19 March 2009
There was widespread jubilation across the UK this week as David Cameron outlined Conservative Party plans to tackle the recession. Street parties sprung up in towns and cities across the country after the Tories revealed an ambitious programme designed to bring the financial crisis to an end. Excited voters huddled around television sets as Mr Cameron announced the package of measures, including:
- RESTORING Ken Clarke to the front bench
- FREEZING the BBC licence fee
- JUST bear with me a moment
- DRUMMING fingers on table top
- WHAT was that other thing?
- OOH LOOK! A squirrel!
Margaret Thatcher is 83.
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Monday, 16 March 2009
Ken Loach should be ashamed of himself. He, as a film director, should understand more than most why rubbish films like High School Musical 3, or anything with Tom Cruise, anger decent, law-abiding, liberal people. And if the entirely understandable anger of those people at, say, a Robin Williams movie were to cause them to punch Mr Loach in the face, we at Olly's Onions would not condone that violence, but we would understand it. For he is a film director, and Patch Adams was also made by a film director. So was the new Pink Panther film. And if cinema enthusiasts scream in his face, "Why can't you leave Inspector Clouseau ALOOONE? Don't you realise that Steve Martin is JUST NOT FUNNY ANYMORE?!" while burning effigies of Mr Loach, and boycotting his films, and daubing obscenities on his house, and beating up his children, can he blame them? We certainly could not. If Mr Loach complains that these attacks are unjustified, that is merely a distraction from the fact that he is an idiot.
We look forward to Mr Loach's next film, which is expected to "understand" discrimination against black people because of all the shitty things African governments do.