Sunday, 30 September 2007

Cameron to Brown: Bring on the election, we have nothing to fear

Conservative leader David Cameron today called on Prime Minister Gordon Brown to "stop dithering" and call an election as soon as possible. Mr Cameron, who was speaking on Blackpool beach, was asked if he was ready for an election and responded with a confident "You bet!" before folding his clothes into a neat pile on the sand, wading into the water and swimming far, far out to sea. Supporters watched and waited until the Tory leader's tiny bobbing head dipped below the furthest, silent wave.

Friday, 28 September 2007

Wednesday, 26 September 2007

Hello Mahmoud!

Stepping out in a typically stylish and tieless grey two-piece, diminutive Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad brought his own inimitable glamour to a grateful New York in a whirlwind two-day visit. Olly's Onions caught up with him to ask him a few questions.

OO: Mr President...
MA: Mahmoud, please.
OO: Mahmoud, welcome to New York City. You've really stirred things up here...
MA: (Chuckles) Well, you know, as the song goes, it's a wonderful town! But seriously, I've had a blast. I'm gonna be out tonight, hoo boy. Shaking my tuches. Feeling fine.
OO: And where will you be going?
MA: First I'm going to try one of your famous hot dogs. All beef, like my men! (Laughs) Only kidding. Then I'm going to catch The Producers on Broadway. I've been dying to see it for years. "Bialystock & Bloom! Bialystock & Bloom!" I LOVE that film.
OO: We're surprised to hear you say that. As a Holocaust denier....
MA: No! Why is only Mel Brooks allowed to make jokes about Nazis? (Sings) "We're marching to a faster pace, look out here comes the master race." I mean, brilliant!
OO: So what's with you and nukes?
MA: Relax, relax, I'm just pulling everyone's shvantz. Or AM I? (Laughs)
OO: And what is your message to the people of New York?
MA: I'd say to each one of you, be a mensch. And if you can't be a mensch, be amazing.
OO: Mr President...
MA: Mahmoud, please.
OO: Mahmoud, thank you.

Help at hand for worried presidents

Find out here.

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

Monday, 24 September 2007

Celebrity couple push forward the boundaries of thought

Following news that Jordan's latest novel, Crystal, is outselling the entire Man Booker prize shortlist, celebrity husband Peter Andre has announced that he is close to developing a complete theory of prime numbers which will shed new light on the mathematical structure of the universe and could lead to the development of proofs for hotly disputed mathematical controversies such as the Riemann Hypothesis and the Strong Goldbach Conjecture.
Meanwhile Ian McEwan, Britain's leading poorly-selling novelist, was last night reported to be considering changing his name to Chardonnay.

New outbreak will not spread - scientists

Boffins are confident that the latest outbreak of election fever will be contained within newly created control zones in Blackpool and Bournemouth. The insect-borne disease does not affect humans.

Bowser Award*

This month's Bowser Award goes to The Times for:


Regional award.

Congratulations to all.

*The Bowser is awarded monthly** to the journalist who most confidently uses the buzzword of the moment as if he or she knew what it meant last week.

**Or whatever.

Farewell to a sad faced clown

With his distinctive silk top hat and soft, sad smile, David Cameron, through his famed personnage Blip, mimed the entire range of human emotions on stage for more than 50 years, never uttering a word of sense. David Cameron's death is expected at next week's Conservative Party conference.

Friday, 21 September 2007

Help at hand for worried parents

Find out here.

Wednesday, 19 September 2007

Breaking News: Religious Affairs Desk

Doctors baffled by meteor sickness

Hundreds of people at the Liberal Democrat Party conference have required medical treatment after being exposed to a Hello! magazine double page spread in which the meteor-fixated MP Lembit Öpik is pictured embracing girlfriend Gabriela Irimina of pop duo The Cheeky Girls. People who saw the pictures complained of headaches, vomiting and nausea. The news came as Lib Dem poll ratings plummeted to Earth in a remote area of South West England.

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

Madeleine McCann: New expert evidence revealed

Whichever way you look at this case, the parents have got to be guilty. I'm sorry, but these so called well educated ‘pillars of society’ should not be allowed to get off scot free. How can intelligent people believe it's perfectly acceptable to leave three very young children alone in a foreign country? I've got to say I always thought there was something odd about that whole group of friends, the Tapas 9 I call them. When it all went terribly wrong on the night of May 3rd they obviously covered the whole thing up and faked the abduction of poor little Madeleine. I hope the angels are with her wherever she is. Sorry, but I have instinctively felt that they were suspect from the very beginning and I trust my sixth sense. I really think they are 100% guilty. I heard they were swingers too. And what about the 40 questions they refused to answer? One of the parents, I forget which, told the police that the window of the room was wide open and the shutters were up but apparently those shutters were very difficult to lift from the outside, and would have made a lot of noise. It's not difficult to join the dots, is it? And what about the DNA, body fluids, all that putrefaction, in the hire car? Those dogs can smell dead bodies you know. Now they're saying the dogs can be put off by the scent of a piece of pork - but would a trained dog really be fooled by a dodgy piece of pork? They must have moved the body, and they must have had outside help, what with being watched by the police and the media twenty four hours a day. It's obvious. Also, I heard they're doing tests to see if the sperm used in the IVF treatment was really Gerry's, and if it isn't, well there's his motive to kill the child if he knew she wasn't really his daughter. And as for Kate, apparently she couldn't cope with the children at all. She says all she ever wanted was to have kids but she was obviously a terrible mother, very aggressive they say, a depressive. Her a doctor as well. It's obvious she accidentally over sedated poor little Maddie. The hair in the car proves that. And did you see her afterwards? A bit too composed if you ask me, a bit too groomed, all those nice clothes. Unfeeling, that's what it is. The coldness of a killer, perhaps. Certainly not fit to be a mother. And why is that Branson getting in on the act? And I would have thought Gordon Brown had more important things to do with his time, like running a country, perhaps? Friends in high places, that's what it is. Apparently there's a link with the Masons as well. And just how much money and fame are the McCanns, getting out of it? The McSpins, I call them, the McScams. If they had organised their child care as meticulously as their press and PR campaign then perhaps, just perhaps, little Maddie would still be with us today.

Sunday, 16 September 2007

World's oldest man: The secret to long life

A 111-year-old man confirmed as the world's oldest man says he owes his longevity to steering clear of alcohol. Tomoji Tanabe, who still works as leader of the Liberal Democrats, revealed the secrets of his long life to reporters. "Unlike my predecessor I don't drink alcohol - that is the biggest reason for my good health," he said, adding that he intends to lead the Liberal Democrats into the next election and beyond.

Mrs Rochester makes rare public appearance

Wednesday, 12 September 2007

Discoveries shed new light on Primitive Man

Two new tribes of primitive man, apparently living in the Stone Age and unaware of modern conveniences such as rational thought, have been discovered hidden deep in the 21st century. The first, whom scientists have named “Evolutionary Anthropologists” demonstrate an astonishing ability to reduce complex human behaviour to a series of sexual stereotypes about hunter gatherers and nurturers. They believe that women prefer pink because women spent millennia sorting through berries in a dimly lit cave – rather than, say, because they read the Financial Times and go salmon fishing. The second group, “Simplisticus Economicus” worship a very primitive form of economics and display a morbid fear of women. “We don’t know how they survived,” said one scientist, “but we think they might help us understand the evolution of the Daily Mail”.

Tuesday, 11 September 2007


Surge strategy is working - General

The Supreme Commander of the Droid Armies yesterday claimed that the military surge had produced real gains, and that the Confederacy is heading for victory over the Galactic Republic. General Grievous told Congress in testimony before a joint hearing of the Confederacy armed services and foreign affairs committee that the objectives of his Sith master Count Dooku are “largely being met”. The fearsome cyborg who retains his own organic brain, nervous system and sensory organs said that uneven but substantial progress had been made this year. “I cannot guarantee success for the Dark Side but I do believe that it is obtainable,” he said.

Saturday, 8 September 2007

Friday, 7 September 2007

New Pavarotti video appears on Al Jazeera

Teenagers welcome Cameron's 'national service'

Youngsters across the country have given the thumbs up to David Cameron's plans for a national citizen service unveiled this week. Under the scheme teenagers will devote six weeks to “patriotic” national service, and get the chance to put something back into Britain. One schoolboy, Gideon Osborne, 16, is excited at the prospect. "It will be so much fun. I'm going to be Chancellor in the summer holidays," says Gideon. "And then they're going to let William Hague from the upper sixth have a go."

Tuesday, 4 September 2007

Mother Teresa letters: This whole God thing really is a load of old bollocks

Mother Teresa of Calcutta was tormented by doubts about her faith and for decades privately suspected that religion was "a fetid mountain of horse manure", it has emerged in a newly published book of her letters. Shortly after beginning her work in the slums of Calcutta, she wrote “Where is my faith? It is just so much festering cock and balls, nothing but toxic mumbo jumbo." The letters reveal that for the last nearly half-century of her life she felt no presence of God whatsoever, however the Catholic Church says we shouldn't get the wrong idea. "Many believers get the silent treatment from God," said Pope Benedict this week. "It's just His way of saying hi."

Breaking news

Clowns spank nazis.

"White power!"

"White flour?"

via Digby.

Monday, 3 September 2007

Sunday, 2 September 2007

Republicans: We're so not gay

The Republican Party has moved quickly to restore its reputation for upholding family values after Idaho Senator Larry Craig resigned yesterday following his now notorious "bathroom incident".
Party officials said last night that they could foresee "no problems whatsoever on the gay front" with the fact that Craig's replacement would be chosen by Idaho Governor C.L. "Butch" Otter.
The Republican leadership is keen to scotch rumours that the whole social conservative movement is a seething mass of repressed and self-hating closet cases. Advising Governor Otter on his choice of appointee will be ex-House Majority Leader Tom "Cruise" DeLay and current Minority Whip, Trent "Dorothy" Lott (left, with Craig, centre, as one of a barbershop quartet known as The Singing Senators, singing their acclaimed a capella version of the theme from Cagney & Lacey).

UPDATE If Larry Craig were gay:

Bullingdon Clubbers