Nimble Clegg evades Brown's feared bollock-grip

Chapeau: Danny T

'Look, she even painted her front door white: Bigot.'

New footage of Brown's open mic disaster

Gordon Brown agrees post-election job in chip shop

Brown reviews options

Following further revelations about prominent Labour politicians peddling themselves for cash, Gordon Brown is thought to be weighing up the next steps for his Government. One option under consideration is to put in a formal request for a military coup. A mass visit to Dignitas has also not been ruled out. The Prime Minister's spokesman, commenting on the latest sleeze allegations, said "Oh fuck it. What's the point?"

Prime Minister moves against cash-for-influence MPs

Downing Street bullying row: footage released

Growth of 0.1% coincidentally same as Labour's chance of winning election

Experts say that the 0.1% growth in the final three months of 2009 is precisely the same chance that Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling (pictured) have of winning the general election this year. Some commentators have however advised further caution in the months ahead, saying that the chances of Labour victory may well be actually far lower than the headline figure. The Labour party recession began in the first quarter of 2003, and is the longest on record.

Banana offers lukewarm support to PM

Westminster was awash with renewed speculation tonight as one of the leading bananas in the cabinet offered unenthusiastic support for the prime minister following calls for a leadership ballot. A spokesman for the prime minister said that Mr Brown was "relaxed and getting on with the job of destroying the Labour Party and all his enemies one by one."

Brown's new government relaunch strategy

Blue Steel!

'Gördondämmerung' goes on and on

Opera fans are flocking to a rare performance of Richard Wagner's "Gördondämmerung" at the Westminster Opera House of Commons. One of the composer's lesser-known works, the piece is the last in the epic four-opera cycle "Der Ring des Nr. 10 Downing Straße" and recounts the legend of the hero Brownhilde, whose quest for power ends in the fiery drawn-out death of his party's popularity. The current performance, which is proving to be one of the longest in the world of opera, includes the arias "O, diese expensen!", "Keine Rheinmaiden lieben mich", and the show-stopping "Verdammte europäische electionen". The saga is expected to end in Brownhilde's defeat at the apocalyptic battle of Generalelectionarok next year.

Parliamentary Labour Party gives backing to PM

'BRAINS....BRAINS....!'

Cabinet shock as no one resigns for over an hour

There was further confusion in Westminster tonight after no one at all resigned from the cabinet for more than an hour. Prime Minister Gordon Brown insisted he would not be forced out of office by the shock development, described by a spokesman as more evidence of a Blairite plot to destabilise the PM's position.

New rumours pile pressure on PM

Downing Street has moved quickly to dismiss rumours that a rumour was about to be circulated relating to something that someone heard about something or other. "The suggestion that somebody said something about something that someone said but later denied is completely untrue as far as we know," said a spokesman. Cabinet ministers are said to be furious about an off the record briefing about who was briefing journalists about a previous briefing which turned out to be either true or false, doesn't matter. Meanwhile the BBC has confirmed as true rumours that recent events at Westminster have given Nick Robinson a chronic and painful erection.

Horror in Browntown

Reports are filtering out from Browntown of a horrifying mass-suicide. Browntown, the informal name for the Government of the United Kingdom, is named after the co-founder of the New Labour cult, Gordon Brown. Followers of Brown, known as Ministers, are reportedly committing suicide as part of a bizarre ritual known as "reshuffling". Details of the ritual are sketchy, but it is believed that Brown intends to cast some of his followers out of the cult, and to elevate preferred acolytes, in an attempt to propitiate their god, Gallup-Mori. Some Ministers who are to be cast out into the wilderness (the "back of the benches", in cult lore) have chosen self-immolation instead, with one case reported of seppuku, or disemboweling oneself on one's own second home.

Browntown began as a benign experiment in social democracy but conditions have recently deteriorated. Ministers have complained of intrusive media attention, an atmosphere of paranoia, and an unusual number of accountancy errors. Brown's behaviour has become increasingly erratic, and some cult supporters are praying for delivery by a mythical "postman".

Blair Babes turn on Brown

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G20 leaders agree to smash the system

Leaders of the world's largest economies have reached an agreement to tackle the global financial crisis. Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced the package of measures which follows representations made over the last two days and includes the creation of self governing communes across the world and the burning of bankers. Mr Brown said: "We have listened carefully. This is the day that the world came together to smash the fucking system." French President Nicolas Sarkozy said that the conclusions of the G20 summit were "more than we could have hoped for. Eat ze fucking rich," he added.

PM pays surprise visit on Mervyn King

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Obama Brown press conference to go ahead as planned

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Labour leadership: Contenders begin to emerge

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