Sensitive listening technology at tombs in the eastern US has revealed that the interred remains of the country's founding fathers are rotating at over 200 revolutions per minute. Top scientists are at a loss to explain the phenomenon affecting the decayed corpses of all 56 original delegates to the US constitutional convention. “Benjamin Franklin is now rotating at over 210 rpm," says presidential historian Paul Wilstach. "George Washington has a measured spin rate of 250 rpm, and is shaking loose parts of the headstone at Mount Vernon." Rotation rates have nearly doubled since the passing of a bill granting retroactive immunity to telecommunications firms that illegally spied on US citizens. Activists blame the Bush administration's flagrant disregard for the law, particularly for privacy guarantees in the constitution's fourth amendment. Many were hoping that intervention by Democratic legislators and presumptive presidential nominee Barack Obama would block the bill and reduce the spin rate of the nation's revered founders. Too bad.