Iranian cleric: Icelandic babes must be smokin'!

Or something.

Pope Benedict delivers seasonal message

Story.

Does a bear, when shitting in the woods, realise how ridiculous it sounds?

Celibate man who wears velvet and ermine dresses, red Prada shoes and who is inseparable from his dashing young personal assistant, warns against the blurring of traditional gender roles.

First moments of Universe re-created

Cheers mingled with celestial choirs this morning as an experiment got underway to show God as He appeared in the first billionths of a second of His six day project to create light, darkness, the heavens, the Earth and sea, the sun and moon, living creatures, and man in His own image. The totality of creation was described by God after the experiment, as "very good." A spokesman for the project was happy with the outome too. "Here's to the next six thousand years," he said.

Papal Bull?

Today the Pope apologised for actions which he described as "incompatible" with being a Catholic Priest such as not believing, not turning up to Mass on Sunday, not being very good at lighting candles without burning your fingers and... oh yes, Paedophilia.

Church split over beards

The worldwide Anglican communion is facing a damaging rift which observers say could lead to a formal schism in the Church. The Archbeard of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, told the General Synod yesterday that women risked humiliation if they, too, were not permitted to grow beards. Dr Williams has faced fierce opposition from smooth-cheeked traditionalists, who claim that they will only permit themselves to be shaved by other men. Archbishop Peter Jensen of Sydney, a leading hairless primate, claimed that bearded women could quite easily be mistaken for gays.

The Anglican Church is following the lead of other churches, such as the Church of Scientology, which has tolerated female beards for many years.

Next Bond villain predicts Christ will return as Muslim

Full story.

You've got mail! You're doomed!

Worried your loved ones won't get the hint when you are Raptured?

Worry no more. Send them an email from Heaven.


H/t: Hit & Run.

Brothers Grimm consult lawyers over slur

More.

Hybrid creatures round on Catholic Church

A coalition of Greek mythological creatures has written to every MP urging them to back the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Bill, which will allow the creation of part-human, part-animal embryos. At the weekend Scottish Cardinal Keith O'Brien said the bill would allow "grotesque procedures" which would "attack the sanctity and dignity of human life," but the Minotaur today criticised the church's stance on the issue. "Some people say that these Cardinals are potential human beings and should be treated with respect, but we cannot agree with that," said the half man, half bull. "Without this sort of scientific breakthrough we would have had no Sphinx, no Siren, no Centaur," he added. "And would the cruel church really wish to deny the Satyr his boundless, immortal erection?"

Easter celebrations begin around the world

Story here.

Chapeau to Monsieur Millar

Olly adds:

More Holy news.

(Hallelujahs: Will)

Dunce Desk

Republicans.

Bishops.

Romantics.

Grand Mufti says CofE bake sales 'unavoidable'

The religious leader of the Sunni community in Saudi Arabia has come under fire for suggesting it is only a matter of time before Church of England parishioners can hold bake sales in the kingdom. "I can even envision a time when there might be day trips to the seaside to thank parish volunteers for their work over the year," said Grand Mufti Shaikh Aal ash-Shaikh. The Grand Mufti's speech has proved controversial in Saudi Arabia, where trying to convert a muslim to another religion is a capital crime. "Now it's tea with the vicar," said Medina resident Abdallah bin-Aziz. "What's next? Bingo evenings? Where does it end?" Shaikh Aal ash-Shaikh's spokesman later clarified that the Grand Mufti's remarks were, like the Archbishop of Canterbury's, meant only to initiate a debate about whether religious freedoms should be spread in Saudi Arabia. Religious police have not yet responded because they have been otherwise engaged in clamping down on the sale of Valentine's Day red roses.

God hits back in Sharia law row

Ethical storm as scientist becomes first man to clone own moustache

In a breakthrough certain to provoke an ethical furore, boffin Dr Samuel Wood has created clones of his own moustache. Each tiny 'tache was smaller than a pinhead, but critics fear the technology could be exploited by mavericks. One opponent said: "We have got scientists wandering around in an ethical wilderness, forgetting about matters of justice relating to our fellow human beings and their facial hair." The Vatican has also condemned the cloning of moustaches. "This is the worst type of exploitation of the hirsute," said Monsignor Elio Sgreccia, president of the Pilose Academy, the Vatican department that helps oversee the Church's position on pogonotrophy.

Religious Affairs Desk - News Roundup

Priests brawl at Jesus' birthplace.

Priest kills himself promising to come back to life.

Priest pleads not guilty in nude jogging case.

Flying Spaghetti Monster wins anti-evolution battle.

Make "plans"

" Hat tip."

Say it ain't so, Pio

Italian monk Padre Pio, who was canonised in 2002, may have faked the stigmata that made him famous.

Breaking News: Religious Affairs Desk

Answer found to age old theological puzzle.

Hat tip: Nick C

Mother Teresa letters: This whole God thing really is a load of old bollocks

Mother Teresa of Calcutta was tormented by doubts about her faith and for decades privately suspected that religion was "a fetid mountain of horse manure", it has emerged in a newly published book of her letters. Shortly after beginning her work in the slums of Calcutta, she wrote “Where is my faith? It is just so much festering cock and balls, nothing but toxic mumbo jumbo." The letters reveal that for the last nearly half-century of her life she felt no presence of God whatsoever, however the Catholic Church says we shouldn't get the wrong idea. "Many believers get the silent treatment from God," said Pope Benedict this week. "It's just His way of saying hi."