Sunday, 28 February 2010
Saturday, 27 February 2010
The former leader of UKIP, MEP Nigel Farage, this week detonated a diplomatic row by telling the Belgians that they live in a "non-country" and that their names are very silly. "I don't want to be rude but Herman van Rompuy is an extremely silly name indeed," he told the visibly shocked EU President. "Why can't you foreigners have good old fashioned English names like Sir Jock Stirrup?"
A spokesman for the President responding to the tirade said: "You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you."
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Monday, 22 February 2010
Friday, 19 February 2010
Lucinda Jones, Chief Economist at Deutsche Bank, said that the dramatic increase was unprecedented, and set to continue. "The number of economists writing letters has tripled in the last five days, and I understand a riposte is being worked on now by 180 members of economics departments around the country for publication next Wednesday. The Monday after that we can expect 540," she said. "By the middle of May, there will be more economists writing to newspapers than there are atoms in the universe."
"Thank God there is only one Richard Branson," she added.
Thursday, 18 February 2010
Leading Liberal Democrat Baroness Jenny Tonge has today announced that she is calling off a forthcoming holiday to Dubai because of fears that her own organs might be harvested through the strings of a tennis racquet. Zionists, who it is believed already have a grip on her party, have called for Tonge to set up an immediate enquiry into how she was able to forge an identity as a politician.
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
England footballer Ashley Cole, who last week was accused of bombarding a blonde secretary with sex texts and photos of his private parts, tonight denied new allegations that he slept with the 30-year-old woman at a Chelsea team hotel. "This has all been done without my knowledge. Someone has hacked into my underpants, simple as that," he said. "Nothing to do with me. I'm really angry with whoever's done this. It wasn't me," insisted Cole. "She caught me on the counter (it wasn't me), saw me bangin' on the sofa (it wasn't me), I even had her in the shower (it wasn't me), she even caught me on camera (it wasn't me)," he added.
Sunday, 14 February 2010
Friday, 12 February 2010
Thursday, 11 February 2010
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
Sunday, 7 February 2010
New England football captain Rio Ferdinand has announced he is to celebrate his new position by releasing an extended version of his critically acclaimed sex tape, originally released in 2000. The new director's cut, Rio Redux, will feature a fabled, previously unseen sequence in which the captain and his men find themselves in a French lingerie model.