Tuesday, 29 July 2008

Bin Laden spaceships attack Grover's Mill

Americans' worst nightmares came true today, as spaceships piloted by terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden and his fellow jihadis attacked the small New Jersey town of Grover's Mill. Al Qaeda planners exploited a previously undetected "healthy scepticism" among US citizens to bring in attack ships armed with heat rays from Mars in the guise of meteors, according to panicky radio reports. US defence networks were caught unawares, despite years of warnings that they should extend their searches to UFOs because they could be terrorists or aliens, or terrorist-aliens. "You must believe me when I tell you that the sky is falling down," says UFO expert Nick Pope. "Why won't anyone listen to me?"

Shadow cabinet set off on summer holidays


Brown and Harman to hold clear the air talks

Full story.

Sunday, 27 July 2008

Friends of Jack Straw in a bad mood, not speaking to anyone

While Justice Secretary Jack Straw took to the airwaves yesterday to declare support for beleaguered Prime Minister Gordon Brown, close friends indicated that they were having a really bad day and were not in the mood for chatting. Mr Straw told the BBC he had no plans to mount a leadership bid and said he is absolutely convinced that Gordon Brown remains the right man to lead Labour. However sources close to Mr Straw painted an altogether different picture. "The boiler's broken down, the kids are playing up, we've got visitors staying, it's been a bloody awful weekend so far. I've nothing to say," said one friend last night, fuelling speculation about a possible putsch against Brown in the autumn.

Barack Obama visit remains low key

Full holy story.

Monday, 21 July 2008

Banks stave off credit crunch through hip hoppery

Following the collapse of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and IndyMac, US treasury secretary Hank Paulson has issued an edict that all American banks are to be renamed in a similar style. JP Morgan and Goldman Sachs are to be rebranded Jimmy Mack and LL Cool G respectively and the Fed itself will henceforth be known as Big Mac.

The UK is thought to be following suit in a British style with Northern Rock and Bradford & Bingley to be renamed Fanny Craddock and Poached Haddock with immediate effect.

Sunday, 20 July 2008

James Purnell's sideburns tipped for top job

As nervous Labour MPs ponder how long Gordon Brown can stay in office, many in Westminster are tipping James Purnell's sideburns to take over as Prime Minister before the next election. If the Welfare Secretary's sideburns make it to Downing Street they would become the first facial hair to make it to the top job since Harold Macmillan's moustache and pipe's joint premiership.

Friday, 18 July 2008

Wednesday, 16 July 2008

Chefs Against Circumcision

Protest group "Chefs against Circumcision" today marched on Downing Street denouncing plans to take the tips off their kitchen knives. Anguished Worrall Thompson cried, "How will we butterfly our lamb now?" Pierre White added, "We will never again be able to carve a forerib of beef!" Where will it all end, they ask, as they lock up their ladles.

Monday, 14 July 2008

Brangelina twins: First pictures of cash to be published in US magazine

Happy parents Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie yesterday celebrated the arrival of newborn twin piles of dollar bills. After a frenzied bidding war the first photographs of the cash will be published in an unnamed American magazine, which offered an undisclosed amount of publicity for the pictures.

Saturday, 12 July 2008

Papal Bull?

Today the Pope apologised for actions which he described as "incompatible" with being a Catholic Priest such as not believing, not turning up to Mass on Sunday, not being very good at lighting candles without burning your fingers and... oh yes, Paedophilia.

Thursday, 10 July 2008

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

US founding fathers now spinning at over 200 rpm

Sensitive listening technology at tombs in the eastern US has revealed that the interred remains of the country's founding fathers are rotating at over 200 revolutions per minute. Top scientists are at a loss to explain the phenomenon affecting the decayed corpses of all 56 original delegates to the US constitutional convention. “Benjamin Franklin is now rotating at over 210 rpm," says presidential historian Paul Wilstach. "George Washington has a measured spin rate of 250 rpm, and is shaking loose parts of the headstone at Mount Vernon." Rotation rates have nearly doubled since the passing of a bill granting retroactive immunity to telecommunications firms that illegally spied on US citizens. Activists blame the Bush administration's flagrant disregard for the law, particularly for privacy guarantees in the constitution's fourth amendment. Many were hoping that intervention by Democratic legislators and presumptive presidential nominee Barack Obama would block the bill and reduce the spin rate of the nation's revered founders. Too bad.

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Church split over beards

The worldwide Anglican communion is facing a damaging rift which observers say could lead to a formal schism in the Church. The Archbeard of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, told the General Synod yesterday that women risked humiliation if they, too, were not permitted to grow beards. Dr Williams has faced fierce opposition from smooth-cheeked traditionalists, who claim that they will only permit themselves to be shaved by other men. Archbishop Peter Jensen of Sydney, a leading hairless primate, claimed that bearded women could quite easily be mistaken for gays.

The Anglican Church is following the lead of other churches, such as the Church of Scientology, which has tolerated female beards for many years.

Monday, 7 July 2008

Reheat leftovers says Prime Minister

A government report has revealed that more than four million tonnes of goodwill has been wasted in the last year. Gordon Brown responded to the report by reheating Peter Mandelson and Alastair Campbell, stale leftovers from the Blairite era. "Bubble and Squeak, we call them," said a spokesman for the prime minister.

Thursday, 3 July 2008

That would be an ecumenical matter

Former Craggy Island priest, Father Ted Crilly, has been suspended as London deputy mayor pending an investigation into allegations of financial misconduct while he was still a man of the cloth. Father Ted was originally sent to Craggy Island by Bishop Leonard Brennan for allegedly misappropriating church funds in an episode known as "that Lourdes thing", a charge that Crilly denies. "I swear the money was just resting in my account," Father Ted says. Mayor Boris Johnson came out in support of his deputy mayor by telling reporters to "Feck off!"

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Astonishment as pregnant woman's stomach grows

There was widespread astonishment today after the Daily Mail revealed evidence that the stomachs of pregnant women get bigger. Experts are studying the findings.

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