Gold medals currency devalued

Today the Daily Mail reports that the Olympics have shown the biggest single rise in British gold medals since 1908. However there are claims that this rise is simply proof that gold medals are getting easier and that, when they used to run the 100 metres, the tracks were much longer, possibly nearer 105 metres. A leading sports expert said, "Every four years we see pictures of smiling athletes with their successes and yet it is patently clear that standards are dropping. When I see Usain Bolt and his two world records I feel it pertinent to point out that 19.30 seconds is probably equivalent to 23 seconds when I was at school."

The Government has celebrated the athletes' success by setting floor targets of 20 golds including javelin and hurdles for the games in 2012. Any part of team GB failing to achieve these targets will be turned into an Academy.

Suspicions grow along with Team GB's medal haul

Suspicion is mounting that British athletes have been using performance-enhancing techniques to achieve success at the Beijing Olympics. Leading members of the sporting community have expressed doubt that Great Britain could have risen to third in the medals table unaided. "We suspect that Team GB have been using controversial techniques such as increased funding, professional training, sporting ability and sheer hard work," said one IOC member who did not wish to be named. "We would expect this of the Chinese, but the British? Have you seen their footballers?"

Chinese react with sympathy to Liu Xiang injury

Enough Already.

Olympics: Croatia unplaced in Mark Spitz look-alike event

Entire Beijing Olympics faked

The 2008 Beijing Olympics are a complete fabrication and were shot on a secret movie set with trained Hollywood actors. The sporting fakery is far more extensive than previously thought, and goes beyond discoveries that the opening ceremony included computer-generated fireworks and a 9-year old singer who mimed to a recording. "First off, the Birds Nest stadium looks just like that lot in Nevada where they shot the moon landings," says National Enquirer editor David Perel. "And now the UK is winning gold medals in athletic events that aren't also upper class hobbies? No, sir. I don't buy it." London 2012 Olympic committee chairman Sebastian Coe pledges that there will be no such attempts at massive misrepresentation when the games come to the UK. "We got all that out of our system when the funding bids were submitted."

Spitz record under threat as Phelps fingers upper lip

Mark Spitz's record haul of Olympic moustaches is under threat from American pool sensation Michael Phelps who is understood to be planning to unveil secret aerodynamic technology at the Beijing games this week. Spitz's moustache yesterday sent a good luck telegram to Phelps' upper lip in advance of the men's 200 metres freestyle and wax.

Greatest spectacle on earth begins

Story.

Beijing solves problem of reports of high pollution readings

Beijing was praised today for novel solutions to the rising amount of pollution resulting from media vehicles queuing up to take readings.

Beijing authorities were also praised for plans to control movement of spectators through the City Centre.

Schmucks for Tibet hold rally

Via.

Olympic Torch relay a great success - official

People along the Torch Relay route have extended the flame a warm welcome and the relay is proceeding successfully as planned.......more than one thousand Londoners from all walks of life participated in the launching ceremony of the London leg of the Torch Relay. London artists gave brilliant performances amid snow; passionate crowds lined the relay route.....Local people in London strongly opposed the attempt to sabotage the Torch Relay. And the behavior of "pro-Tibet independence" activists has aroused resentment and received condemnation in London.

Press release on the worldwide Beijing Olympic Torch Relay.

Day by day and almost minute by minute the past was brought up to date. In this way every prediction made by the Party could be shown by documentary evidence to have been correct; nor was any item of news, or any expression of opinion, which conflicted with the needs of the moment, ever allowed to remain on record. All history was a palimpsest, scraped clean and reinscribed exactly as often as was necessary.

George Orwell, 1984

London unveils new event for 2012 Olympics

The £2bn bank run.

"Do you have any light reading?"

Several sharp-eyed investigators have uncovered a disturbing clue embedded in the new 2012 Olympics logo which suggests that the Jews are planning to open a new front in their ceaseless quest to take over the world: sports.

David Morris, part-time director of the previously defunct Sports Sub-Division of the Committee of the Elders of Zion, said, "Let's face it, we've been nowhere since the infiltration of Agent Spitz into the 1972 Olympics.

"I just don't know whether we've got the talent to pull it off," he added, "but with Agents Spielberg and Streisand on board, at least we'll put on one hell of an opening show."

Delight as Olympics logo unveiled

The logo for the 2012 London Olympics, unveiled yesterday, has brought delight and relief to thousands of sneerers across the country. Stephen Bayley, founder of the Design Museum, said "I am absolutely thrilled. I opposed the Olympics coming to Britain in the first place, and so I was deeply disappointed when London were awarded the games, but this logo is a superb opportunity to show what a preposterous self important snob I really am."