Fury as snow brings Daily Mail journalists to a standstill

There was a growing sense of outrage tonight as heavy snowfall left Daily Mail journalists struggling to fill columns with manufactured outrage and semi-coherent patriotic gibberish. Forecasters say that the worst journalism for nearly twenty years will continue for the rest of the week and beyond.

Career women are ugly bitches

By Random Misogyny Generator

New research made up exclusively for the Daily Misogyny reveals that if all you bitches stayed at home doing the cooking and all that as God and nature intended you would look like Sophia Loren, and we'd all be a lot fucking happier. Bitches.

Here is a picture of Sophia Loren.

Daily Mail's Random Misogyny Generator

The great new game everyone can play.

Except women, who should be on a DIET.

Daily Mail readers rail against licence fee, overpaid stars, lack of fresh human flesh

More.

Polish workers leaving in droves - report

Officials believe that as many as half of the workers who flooded into the UK from Poland have stopped reading the Daily Mail. Figures show that thousands of Poles who came to Britain seeking a better life have now abandoned the paper. Ewelina Marszazeb, 24, left Poland last year to work in London. "At first it was really easy reading the Mail. It was great reading articles to my family back home. Things are a lot tougher now and I've realised it's a deeply reactionary piece of horse manure," she says. "I'm returning to the Times," she adds, sadly.

Daily Mail in change of editorial direction shock

Credit Crunch due to last till 2010; Rain forever; Knife crime on the rise; Fuel bill crisis; but remember, while there's music and love and romance......

Astonishment as pregnant woman's stomach grows

There was widespread astonishment today after the Daily Mail revealed evidence that the stomachs of pregnant women get bigger. Experts are studying the findings.

Daily Mail reveals it doesn't understand statistics or language but is disgusted anyway

According to the Daily Mail, the number of under-14 year olds having an abortion has "soared" by 21%. Closer investigation reveals that the soaring 21% amounts to 18 individual children who, in 2007, chose not to become a parent while still a child themselves.

The Daily Mail's confusion is thought to have been caused by its hysteria about underage sex and teenage pregnancy combined with its debilitating fear of abortion which is generally thought to be quite effective in dealing with teenage and other unwanted pregnancies.

Liz Hurley wears dress

Liz Hurley last night wore a dress - more than a decade after she attended the premiere of Four Weddings And A Funeral wearing THAT Dress designed by Gianni Versace. Versace later died from THAT Gaping Shotgun Wound To The Back Of The Head.

Nanny State debate rumbles on

Fury as Nanny State orders parents not to keep their own children in wire mesh cages.

Chapeau

Knees Desk

The Daily Mail today unveiled a new knees policy with a greater emphasis on serious knees issues.

News: Kate Moss, Eva Longoria, Victoria Beckham, Angelina Jolie, Paris Hilton and Mischa Barton were all today confirmed to have joints connecting their femur, patella and tibia.

Meredith murder: New picture clue

Experts believe that pictures of murder suspect Amanda Knox reveal vital clues about the editor of the Daily Mail. "The many, many pictures of 'Foxy Knoxy' published in the Daily Mail tell us a lot about Paul Dacre," says psychoanalyst Peter Keogh. "Diana is dead, the Kate McCann thing is running out of steam and there's a limit on how many pictures of half-dressed drunk young women he can print. This one has the lot: murder, attractive young women drinking taking drugs and having sex with foreign men. Dacre must be absolutely creaming himself."

Lesbian soldier was 'blonde', court told

An employment tribunal has heard how a female lance bombardier was 'blonde' and 'had sex'. The case continues.

Femail advice on controlling weight

Eat, bitch!

Diet, bitch!

UPDATE: Jungle fears for Gemma Atkinson figure:

Were flying saucers like this one hovering over Stratford under the cover of darkness?

No.

Campaign to save weekly rubbish collection stepped up

Refuse collectors across the country today appealed for support to help save the Daily Mail which has been publishing rubbish every week for over a hundred years. Oswald Mosley was last night unavailable for comment.

Graphologists left baffled by Brown handwriting

Leading handwriting experts surprised the Daily Mail today by claiming that they are unable to say if a note handwritten by Chancellor Gordon Brown shows whether he is unreliable, evasive or has poor judgment. Mr Brown, pictured putting the final touches to a speech delivered at Mansion House last month, was tonight unavailable for comment.