Vile bullying - free in this week's Heat!

The gaiety of the nation was greatly enhanced this week by Heat magazine's decision to ridicule a disabled 5 year old child. Readers were delighted by the free stickers given away with the latest edition which mocked Harvey Price, the severely disabled son of glamour model Jordan. The public was further entranced by editor Mark Frith's novel take on a heartfelt apology. "No offence was intended, but if any was caused we would like to apologise" chortled Frith who is thought to be a grown adult.

Celebrity couple push forward the boundaries of thought

Following news that Jordan's latest novel, Crystal, is outselling the entire Man Booker prize shortlist, celebrity husband Peter Andre has announced that he is close to developing a complete theory of prime numbers which will shed new light on the mathematical structure of the universe and could lead to the development of proofs for hotly disputed mathematical controversies such as the Riemann Hypothesis and the Strong Goldbach Conjecture.

Meanwhile Ian McEwan, Britain's leading poorly-selling novelist, was last night reported to be considering changing his name to Chardonnay.