Gold medals currency devalued

Today the Daily Mail reports that the Olympics have shown the biggest single rise in British gold medals since 1908. However there are claims that this rise is simply proof that gold medals are getting easier and that, when they used to run the 100 metres, the tracks were much longer, possibly nearer 105 metres. A leading sports expert said, "Every four years we see pictures of smiling athletes with their successes and yet it is patently clear that standards are dropping. When I see Usain Bolt and his two world records I feel it pertinent to point out that 19.30 seconds is probably equivalent to 23 seconds when I was at school."

The Government has celebrated the athletes' success by setting floor targets of 20 golds including javelin and hurdles for the games in 2012. Any part of team GB failing to achieve these targets will be turned into an Academy.

Education standards scandal in McDonaldland

Leading McDonaldland political operative Mayor McCheese has come under fire for allowing fast food restaurants to administer A-level equivalency exams to staff. The "Basic Ministerial Competency" course has been criticised as too easy, and symptomatic of a broader fall in education standards under McCheese. The mayor — whose gaffe-prone administration suffered another blow last week when The Hamburglar resigned after failing to fully declare campaign contributions — insists that the new "McDegree" is not an easy option. "It is going to be a tough course, but once you have got a qualification in management you can probably go anywhere," McCheese told reporters. "And if you struggle on this particular course, there's always a place for you in Gordon Brown's cabinet."