John Terry granted leave to compose carefully worded Valentine Card for wife

Full romantic story.

Rio Ferdinand celebrates captaincy by re-releasing sex tape

New England football captain Rio Ferdinand has announced he is to celebrate his new position by releasing an extended version of his critically acclaimed sex tape, originally released in 2000. The new director's cut, Rio Redux, will feature a fabled, previously unseen sequence in which the captain and his men find themselves in a French lingerie model.

John Terry warned he will lose millions in sponsorship as affair revealed

Shame.

Capello struggles to find decent role model for England captain

As more criticism emerges of John Terry and Rio Ferdinand as role models for our children, an increasingly desperate Fabio Capello promises to consider all options.

Italian flies in to save English football

Dante Alighieri is expected to be named England football manager this weekend after fruitful talks with the FA. Speaking today a spokesman for Dante said that the new manager's first job would be to purge the lustful, the gluttonous, the avaricious, the violent, the dishonest and the slothful from the team. England team captain John Terry was tonight reported to be lying in the freezing mud of the Third Circle of Hell guarded by the monstrous three-headed dog Cerberus.