Olly's Onions: Onions for England

Uncapped Durham bowler Graham Onions has been named in the England cricket squad for this summer's internationals. Headline writers are thought to be delighted by the selection. The Onions family wishes him success.

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Joanne Cash wins overall best flounce
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David Cameron harder than Chuck Norris
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Nick Clegg to spend the next week training in altitude tent
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Sam Mendes to Kate Winslet: "Gather" your stuff and get out
Jack Straw announces plans to abolish MumsNet
Dangerous dogs to be chipped, deep-fried
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Ethiopian rebels: Give us yer fockin' money
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Jacob Zuma to take Queen for next wife
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Olympic chiefs confident of snow for London 2012
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Elvis stranded as Obama cancels moon mission
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Martin Amis' original teeth to feature in new autobiographical novel
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UK election threat level raised to 'severe'
Brangelina split: Couple to get joint custody of Asia
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Tiger Woods' cock to confess all on Oprah
Guardian admits wanting to shag Damon Albarn
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Cricket: Onions brings tears of joy to headline writers
BBC admits U2 are shit
Oliver Stone is "scapegoat" for Alexander
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Close result expected in Iceland referendum on whether to repay billions
James Corden: three more arrests
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Ashes: South Africa on verge of victory
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Mark Lester: Do you remember me? I was in Oliver! O-L-I-V-E-R-!
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Nick Clegg: Do you want to see my cock?
Newly freed Ronnie Biggs "just looking" at train schedules
Swine flu website crashes after 9 million hits an hour from journalists
Swine flu: Pregnant women advised to avoid Andy Burnham
Swine flu: Enjoy your last moments says government advisor
Baron Cohen already planning next umlaut
Cameron apologises to gays, straights
Wimbledon: Scottish bloke through, name escapes me
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Griffin: Stop being racist against fascists
Most of Michael Jackson dead - Reports
Boost for ink industry as MPs' expenses published
MPs go redact themselves
Polly Toynbee appointed to Iran's Guardian Council
Caroline Flint: Gordon Brown questioned my loyalty, the fucking bastard
Boost for egg trade as BNP takes seats in Euro election
Davina McCall appointed housing czar
Turns out Gordon Brown had Presbyterian upbringing
Jacqui Smith quits to spend more time with family's porn collection
Queen 'totally fucked off' with Britain's Got Talent result
Cameron calls for radical redistribution of platitudes
Sleaze: Ducks to have bills scrutinized
Errant Tory MPs to be exiled to Duck Island
Douglas Hogg quits to spend more time with his moat
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Man Utd on the brink of being even more annoying
Cameron orders review of second swimming pool allowance
Tory pledge: only MPs who already have a second home welcome on the front bench
Blears: You pay capital gains tax if you want to
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Journalists horrified at expense claims
Cricket: Onions brings tears of joy to headline writers
Cleaner 'very embarrassed' at link with PM
Joey Barton to replace Damian McBride at No10
Congress agrees to extend Obama's first 100 days by four weeks
Fears that Man Flu may transfer to animal kingdom
Bird flu really pissed off; sacks agent
Woman plucks eyebrows
Government to scrap Greek mythology
Pip squeaks as Cameron replies to Budget
Cheney's had enough of this shit
David Cameron demands personal apology from whoever gave him VD
Tory smears: Dale, Fawkes sporting proud erections
Steven Gerrard's acquittal adjourned to July
Protocol breached as Obama gooses Prince Philip
Newcastle appoint fourth Messiah since beginning of season
Anti-Twitter protest turns violent
Jacqui Smith's husband: Films were rubbish anyway, you couldn't see anything
Bankers secretly aroused by G20 riot threat
Jade to be given state funeral
Fritzl offers to spend life sentence in own dungeon
IMF warns that Robert Peston could drag on into next year
Irish not planning to go overboard for St Patrick's Day
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Clifford: Jade has only seconds to live
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Retro IRA claims responsibility for Northern Ireland murders
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Nation shocked as disqualified University Challenge winners allowed to keep generous pensions
Demands for 'Fred The Shred' to give up pension, knighthood, nickname
Parents complain to BBC that Jeremy Clarkson is scaring children
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Jade Goody wedding: Consummation expected to attract record audience
Actors demand British Oscars for British Thesps
Geert Wilders' bouffant refused entry into UK
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Relief for rest of UK as London snow thaws
Jade Goody's cancer sacks Max Clifford
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First openly blind cabinet minister to remarry
Stop The War Coalition determined to keep shoe industry alive
Obama to take oath again this time with Bible, gun
Obama baritone sworn in, moves into White House
Jewish birds warned in advance to avoid LaGuardia
Miracle on The Hudson: Truthers claim there was no plane
Heroic landing, pilot’s name, stretch credulity
New York: runways are for pussies
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Corner grocers to be renamed "Harry shops"
Obama books Prince Harry for inauguration speech
Prince Harry in 'offensive institution' row
Markets rally as Clegg reshuffles Lib Dem front bench
Porn barons demand $5bn bailout, more tissues
Kevin Pietersen quits to spend more time with his jewellery
Pound now worth 50p
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UK sold to private equity firm
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Tariq Ali: pomaded ponce?
Iraq hopeful that shoe-throwing will debut at 2012 Olympics
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Deformed dogs to boycott BBC
Blagojevich insists money would have gone to orphanage: "We're on a mission from Gahd."
James Purnell: Gurning is the best route out of poverty
Coldplay sued for plagiarism, being twats
Bank of England inaugurates new Lack-of-Interest Rate
Sunderland in urgent talks with Roy Keane's beard
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Damian Green affair: David Davis sporting proud erection
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Woolworths goes bust: panic scenes at the pick & mix
Lansley: Recession would be good for country, Tories
Labour u-turn as duty on improbably dark eyebrows is slashed
Fury as wintry weather hits UK
UN threaten sanctions in John Sergeant row
Leaked list reveals wide range of fascists in BNP
Nicola McLean's breasts emerge as favourite to win I'm A Celebrity
David Cameron: Cheap soundbites are for life, not just for Christmas
Quantum mechanics: three more arrests
Cameron, Brown clash over the extent to which baby murder should be avoided
David Lammy: Did I ever tell you about the time I met Barack Obama?
Clegg: Britain's Obama?
Referee under fire after punch-up at Church of the Holy Sepulchre
Left prepares response to Obama failures
SNP: No we can't
Nader demands a recount
Alaskan moose shares plummet
Obama victory: Republicans to initiate impeachment proceedings first thing Monday
Democrats stock up on champagne, cyanide pills
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McCain suspends campaign to deal with Brand, Ross crisis
Terry Wogan sacked by BBC after lewd driving gloves prank
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Ross and Brand sacked for being utterly tiresome
Economists upgrade investment ratings on animal skins, flint axes, fire
Geir Haarde holed up in Tora Bora as SAS close in
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US sees UK's £37bn and raises $250bn
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Sarah Palin dismisses moose-burger rumours
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Chris Hoy's thighs to open London 2012
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A-levels: Record number of newspaper pictures of attractive female students
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Ronaldo pledges loyalty to Man Utd's money
Guardian admits wanting to shag Damon Albarn
US Global War on Chauffeurs claims first victim
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Police carry out controlled explosion on Nick Robinson
Tom Watson resigns from Government, demands Brown exit
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Karadzic's beard released without charge
Heath Ledger great now dead
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First New Yorker cover not going so well for Danish cartoonist
Knife thugs will be forced to meet Jacqui Smith
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Nazis angrily deny Mosley claims
Bob Geldof's tailor detained for 42 days
Colombian rebels tricked into adopting amusing name
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Nelson Mandela: 'I wish Annie Lennox wasn't playing, she's shit'
Shami Chakrabarti demands Wimbledon wild card
Steve Rider's hair signs new contract with ITV
Brown: 42 is a number I have pulled out of my arse
Quantum mechanics: three more arrests
British voters 'in the bath', will ring Brown straight back
Mars probe finds Brown not popular there either
George Monbiot attempts citizen's arrest on John Bolton's moustache
Brown faces leadership challenge over Eurovision fiasco
Police carry out controlled explosion on John Humphreys
Diana Inquest: We agree with verdict say relieved Illuminati
Hillary to run against Gordon Brown; also considering trying out for Mayor of London and Britain's Got Talent.
Mugabe lagging well behind in Zimbabwe poll
Mugabe concedes after poll humiliation
All football managers named Phil to be designated 'Big" from today
£120,000 a week could ease the pain admits tearful John Terry
Half of UK school test results still below average; Brown must take blame, say Tories
Cherie Booth: That Tony Blair can kiss my arse, too
Ant and Dec criticised for misleading public about their height
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Memoirs: Lord Levy to invoice Blair
Hull evacuated after John Prescott reveals battle with bulimia
Mosley demands strict punishment from Formula One bosses
Heston's gun surprisingly easy to pry from cold, dead fingers
Nick Clegg: Do you want to see my cock?
Olympic Torch to claim political asylum
British Union of Formula One considers name change
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Daily Express apologises for own existence
Ashley Cole apologises for own existence
Also Sprach Zarathustra shoots up charts
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Darling: Heavy drinkers got us into this mess in the first place
Prostitute apologises to family over association with NY governor Eliot Spitzer
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FA Cup to be renamed Autoglass Trophy
Eric Hall resigns from Obama campaign after "monster, monster" gaffe
Tories propose duty hike on alcopops; no news on Bollinger '61
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Autoerotic Asphyxiation Society announce "different kind of" plastic bag crackdown
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Castro retirement speech enters third day
Blonde woman not murdered by psychopath
Mitty set to testify at Diana inquest
Georgian tycoon death: anti-moustache activists questioned
Tie-dye t-shirt industry faces global slump after Camden fire
Heather Mills to sue remaining leg
Tory party to hand itself in at local police station
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Mitt Romney withdraws 'for the sake of the wallet I love'
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Bill Clinton to Obama: "Your mama”
BA pilot critical of new third runway at Heathrow
Peter Hain takes up simple sword of truth and trusty shield of British fair play
Bobby Fischer: it's the Jews wot done 'im in
Tories: Our secret donations are less illegal than Labour's
Societe Generale trader was funding Hain's deputy leadership campaign
Iowa backs Huckabee after threats from Chuck Norris
Rott Mimney, or whatever, wins US election
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Giuliani: Did I mention 9/11?
Romney: Nine wives for every voter
CBeebies abandons plans to screen Trainspotting
Ferguson gives Man Utd players day off from orgy training
God: I will not be voting Lib Dem at next election
Pop group to release record not sung in exaggerated regional accent
Tommy Sheridan swears on oath that he is not now nor has he ever been charged with perjury
Legendary pioneer of wife beating Ike Turner dies at 76
Elderly to be given more choice on when and where they are murdered in their own beds
UK's super-rich: Would they like a hand with anything?
Sudan accuses Turner Prize committee of "taking the piss"
Iranian intelligence: US stopped having credible military deterrent in 2003
Tommy Sheridan: I am working class and I have a cute two year old. How could you accuse me?
Gillian Gibbons wins Turner Prize
Cheney doctors shocked by heart discovery
David Cameron comes out against rape, no decision yet on murder
Emergency meeting of Cobra to discuss No.10 sandwich order
Lib Dems publish timetable for removal of next leader
Loss of benefit data including children's names & addresses - Father Christmas denies involvement
Sarkozy renames brioche "freedom buns"
McCartney-ex Heather demands William Blake retract 'Dark Satanic Mills' allegation
Simply Red pencil in money-spinning reunion tour for 2015
Lady Macca: My leg was abducted too
Sharp fall in Tory party membership applications by one-legged Lithuanian lesbians
Dumbledore is new frontrunner in Lib Dem leadership contest
Television programme "not completely made up"
Shadow Chancellor to change name again, this time to Garth
Nick Robinson diagnosed with Foot and Mouth, to be culled tomorrow
New calls for global boycott of John Pilger
Saudis to increase production of beard dye to 11m barrels a day
Postal workers accused of 'British practices' at Bilbao sorting office
Cheese-lover Lewis Hamilton to move to Switzerland
Nickname of next Lib Dem leader to be decided by One Member One Vote
David Cameron to recite Pi to 1000 decimal places
A-levels: Record number of newspaper pictures of attractive female students
Strong winds forecast for Marcel Marceau funeral
Next Bin Laden video to include director's commentary and alternate ending
Control orders to be imposed on all school caretakers
Jack Straw makes citizens arrest on four more cabinet members
Michael Fish: "But the dog ate my homework"
Mourinho "to appear to followers on the third day"
Socks the Blue Peter cat hires top QC
Cuddle Cat hires top QC
Outrage and disbelief as police accuse middle class couple
Faithful gather as Christ's face appears on Ming Campbell's scalp
Foot and Mouth lab leak: Police suspect evil scientist bent on world domination
Brown's first 100 days: Famine expected next Thursday
Rest of UK wants devolution for Edinburgh Festival
New Robin Williams movie: three more arrests
Stocks rise in opera themed puns
Actor "too funny" to be paedo
May: Fat bottomed girls ate my thesis
Ryanair to fly to Richistan from Luton
Bowser enters Big Brother house
Brown: five bowls of salty porridge a day for every child
Charles Kennedy to apply for astronaut training
Bowsers to compete in Crufts '08
Tour de France riders "more loaded than cabinet"
Home Office to re-classify cannabis once it has finished blazing a fat blunt
Ming Campbell wants Bowser to be Lib Dem candidate for London Mayor
Campbell diary: fists flew the day I ordered myself to resign
Planet "fucked" says Le Bon
Bin Laden's deputy receives honorary MBE; goes mental
Health institute NICE rejects provision of heavenly virgins on NHS
Gordon Brown to grant independence to Ed Balls
Terror alert downgraded from "Critical" to "Run, run for your lives"
House prices to increase exponentially says mathematician hired by Daily Express
Huge manhunt as BBC's Alan Johnston on the loose again
Al Qaeda condemns standards in science teaching
Duty free flaming sambucas banned at all Scottish airports
West End traffic wardens: we will not let terrorists destroy our way of life
Olympic Torch to claim political asylum
Karadzic's beard released without charge
Fury as conditions in Basra continue to improve
Mandelson returne to solve mortgage crisis
UK sold to private equity firm
Lord Ashcroft demands refund

Sunday, 29 April 2007

Onions for England

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