Olly's Onions: Religious Affairs Desk - News Roundup

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Blairite bastards should stop this factionalism, say Brownites
Heavy betting reported on timing of Pakistan match fixing denial.
"We're all in this together". Now applies to hotel beds.
Coulson: I know what you're all saying about me, you bastards
Cabinet abandons plans to hold next Cabinet meeting at G.A.Y.
Libdems and Conservatives surprisingly agree to govern 'against the national interest.'
Clegg and Cameron to adopt Malawian baby
Clegg: First thing Monday I'm going to, er, oh, what was that thing?
Andy Burnham's ordinary northernness to increase 10% this week
Bloody Sunday: Bono apologises for U2
North Koreans celebrate glorious victory over Brazil
Vuvuzelas: Three more arrests
Outrage over greedy sponging Royal
Queen invites Esther Rantzen to form new administration
Labour voters who switched to Lib Dems "very pleased" as Thatcherites prepare to take power
Voters of Poplar show considerable indefatigability
Cameron to Clegg - My final offer is this: nothing.
Joanne Cash wins overall best flounce
Lord Ashcroft demands refund
Tory front bench to take gap year
David Cameron harder than Chuck Norris
Embarrassment as snooker player accidentally wins frame
Election: Guardian endorses smug moral high ground
Gillian Duffy front door becomes key marginal
Brown battles to turn off bigot spigot
Angry bigots abandon Brown
Nick Clegg: I won't work with Peppa Pig
Clegg: I'm ever so excited
Angry nutters abandon Clegg
Clegg in foreign incest dungeon shock - Daily Mail
Misguided grammarians predict hanged parliament
Lord Mandelson unmasked as Hephaestus, god of the volcano
Sunday Times nearly as popular as Der Sturmer
Plane spotters face redundancy as crisis continues
Chiropractors cannot cure idiocy, Court rules
Is Obama America's Clegg? Special report
Nick Clegg to spend the next week training in altitude tent
Police chiefs demand panic button to be installed on Chris Grayling's forehead
Continent cut off, nips out for sneaky fag
Pope eyes up legal aid after Dawkins arrest threat
Labour unveil Five-Year Plan
Heavy drinking wife beaters welcome Tory marriage tax break proposals
Messi to assume Papacy
Confusion as spoofers accidentally spoof spoof poster
Tiger Woods' cock admits taking performance enhancing drugs
Vatican calls for an end to gossip, buggery
Pope Benedict: Oh? That?
Chancellor forecasts 75% increase in number of Wurzels clips on TV
Joe Biden: 'Yes! Kiss my arse!'
David Cameron disappointed at leak of pictures of Samantha looking quite fit
Republicans' angry-o-meter goes to 11
Cameron squeezes one out in time for election
Brown told today is a good day to bury those who plotted against you
BA deny hiring replacement Charlie Whelans
Sam Mendes to Kate Winslet: "Gather" your stuff and get out
Jack Straw announces plans to abolish MumsNet
Dangerous dogs to be chipped, deep-fried
BBC to increase news about BBC by 50%
Ethiopian rebels: Give us yer fockin' money
Shares in donkey jackets fall
Jacob Zuma to take Queen for next wife
Blair: Oh fuck it
Gus O'Donnell: I - ow! - never spoke to - you're HURTING me - the Prime Minist - oooww - about bullying. There. Happy now? Sob.
Gordon brown: Anyone who says I am a bully will get a thump
Winter Olympics: Team GB take bronze in Massive Snowball Fight and Pile On event
Tiger Woods to make televised appeal for more chicks
Olympic chiefs confident of snow for London 2012
Teenage pregnancies: It's back to Eton for Tory statisticians
Vernon Kay, Ashley Cole regret taking up free unlimited texts offer
Met vows to continue fitting up innocent Londoners despite Ali Dizaei setback
Elvis stranded as Obama cancels moon mission
England captain John Terry too busy having it off to consider resignation
Cameron orders Osborne to stop defacing his posters
Martin Amis' original teeth to feature in new autobiographical novel
John Terry stripped of Dad of the Year gong; title awarded to runner-up Tiger Woods
Protestors still pleased with 'Bliar' jibe
Lord Goldsmith: War was illegal right up to the moment it was legal
George Monbiot more of a dick than previously thought
UK election threat level raised to 'severe'
Brangelina split: Couple to get joint custody of Asia
John Edwards to make comeback at US PGA
Tiger Woods' cock to confess all on Oprah
Guardian admits wanting to shag Damon Albarn
More anger expected next week
Democrats fuck it up in record time
Poor children just need lots and lots of cuddles says multi-millionaire David Cameron
Cricket: Onions brings tears of joy to headline writers
BBC admits U2 are shit
Oliver Stone is "scapegoat" for Alexander
Fury as George Galloway deported back to UK
Big freeze: Fears grow for ex-cabinet ministers
Close result expected in Iceland referendum on whether to repay billions
James Corden: three more arrests
Griffin: Stop being racist against fascists
Celebrity fails to get into late night punch-up
Ashes: South Africa on verge of victory
Jack Tweed: Orgies help me get over whatsername
Mark Lester: Do you remember me? I was in Oliver! O-L-I-V-E-R-!
Cricket: Relief as England turn out to be shit after all
Nick Clegg: Do you want to see my cock?
Newly freed Ronnie Biggs "just looking" at train schedules
Swine flu website crashes after 9 million hits an hour from journalists
Swine flu: Pregnant women advised to avoid Andy Burnham
Swine flu: Enjoy your last moments says government advisor
Baron Cohen already planning next umlaut
Cameron apologises to gays, straights
Wimbledon: Scottish bloke through, name escapes me
Wimbledon: Henmania reaches fever pitch
Griffin: Stop being racist against fascists
Most of Michael Jackson dead - Reports
Boost for ink industry as MPs' expenses published
MPs go redact themselves
Polly Toynbee appointed to Iran's Guardian Council
Caroline Flint: Gordon Brown questioned my loyalty, the fucking bastard
Boost for egg trade as BNP takes seats in Euro election
Davina McCall appointed housing czar
Turns out Gordon Brown had Presbyterian upbringing
Jacqui Smith quits to spend more time with family's porn collection
Queen 'totally fucked off' with Britain's Got Talent result
Cameron calls for radical redistribution of platitudes
Sleaze: Ducks to have bills scrutinized
Errant Tory MPs to be exiled to Duck Island
Douglas Hogg quits to spend more time with his moat
MP calls on Speaker Martin to resign for allowing him to claim for non-existent mortgage
Man Utd on the brink of being even more annoying
Cameron orders review of second swimming pool allowance
Tory pledge: only MPs who already have a second home welcome on the front bench
Blears: You pay capital gains tax if you want to
Illuminati admit fixing Chelsea-Barcelona tie
Journalists horrified at expense claims
Cricket: Onions brings tears of joy to headline writers
Cleaner 'very embarrassed' at link with PM
Joey Barton to replace Damian McBride at No10
Congress agrees to extend Obama's first 100 days by four weeks
Fears that Man Flu may transfer to animal kingdom
Bird flu really pissed off; sacks agent
Woman plucks eyebrows
Government to scrap Greek mythology
Pip squeaks as Cameron replies to Budget
Cheney's had enough of this shit
David Cameron demands personal apology from whoever gave him VD
Tory smears: Dale, Fawkes sporting proud erections
Steven Gerrard's acquittal adjourned to July
Protocol breached as Obama gooses Prince Philip
Newcastle appoint fourth Messiah since beginning of season
Anti-Twitter protest turns violent
Jacqui Smith's husband: Films were rubbish anyway, you couldn't see anything
Bankers secretly aroused by G20 riot threat
Jade to be given state funeral
Fritzl offers to spend life sentence in own dungeon
IMF warns that Robert Peston could drag on into next year
Irish not planning to go overboard for St Patrick's Day
James Corden: three more arrests
Clifford: Jade has only seconds to live
Not enough being written about Julie Myerson and her stupid fucking book - Report
Retro IRA claims responsibility for Northern Ireland murders
Gerry Adams: Shooting people is...Umm...No wait, I know this one...
Lib Dems still plugging away, bless 'em
Mandelson: Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry
Nation shocked as disqualified University Challenge winners allowed to keep generous pensions
Demands for 'Fred The Shred' to give up pension, knighthood, nickname
Parents complain to BBC that Jeremy Clarkson is scaring children
Gail Trimble wins game of Connect Four in three moves
Manchester City to sign Gail Trimble
Jade Goody wedding: Consummation expected to attract record audience
Actors demand British Oscars for British Thesps
Geert Wilders' bouffant refused entry into UK
More anger expected next week
Obama successfully implementing meekly-getting-shafted-by-Republicans election platform
Relief for rest of UK as London snow thaws
Jade Goody's cancer sacks Max Clifford
Britain destroyed by snow
Recession: Dog food factory calls in Official Retriever
First openly blind cabinet minister to remarry
Stop The War Coalition determined to keep shoe industry alive
Obama to take oath again this time with Bible, gun
Obama baritone sworn in, moves into White House
Jewish birds warned in advance to avoid LaGuardia
Miracle on The Hudson: Truthers claim there was no plane
Heroic landing, pilot’s name, stretch credulity
New York: runways are for pussies
Lucy Pinder nudges ahead of Osborne in Tory pecking order
Corner grocers to be renamed "Harry shops"
Obama books Prince Harry for inauguration speech
Prince Harry in 'offensive institution' row
Markets rally as Clegg reshuffles Lib Dem front bench
Porn barons demand $5bn bailout, more tissues
Kevin Pietersen quits to spend more time with his jewellery
Pound now worth 50p
Quantum mechanics: three more arrests
UK sold to private equity firm
Npower fined £1.8m for misspelling
Footballer arrested over suspiciously low hairline
Throwing of shoes a grave insult in Arab culture, but sign of admiration elsewhere
Jeff Buckley fans top self-regarding piety chart
McCartney: I was John Lennon
Tariq Ali: pomaded ponce?
Iraq hopeful that shoe-throwing will debut at 2012 Olympics
Sports Personality of the Year: Surprise as Chris Hoy's thighs take crown
Sports Personality of the Year: Lewis Hamilton's tax advisor takes runners-up spot
Deformed dogs to boycott BBC
Blagojevich insists money would have gone to orphanage: "We're on a mission from Gahd."
James Purnell: Gurning is the best route out of poverty
Coldplay sued for plagiarism, being twats
Bank of England inaugurates new Lack-of-Interest Rate
Sunderland in urgent talks with Roy Keane's beard
Saxby Chambliss’s US Senate victory just “weird name one-upmanship” claim Steny Hoyer, Arlen Specter, Evan Bayh
Damian Green affair: David Davis sporting proud erection
Damian Green affair: Bloggers retain sense of perspective; in other news: Gordon Brown now combination of Mugabe, Hitler, Satan
Shadow cabinet will be made to wear high-visibility vests from next week
Woolworths goes bust: panic scenes at the pick & mix
Lansley: Recession would be good for country, Tories
Labour u-turn as duty on improbably dark eyebrows is slashed
Fury as wintry weather hits UK
UN threaten sanctions in John Sergeant row
Leaked list reveals wide range of fascists in BNP
Nicola McLean's breasts emerge as favourite to win I'm A Celebrity
David Cameron: Cheap soundbites are for life, not just for Christmas
Quantum mechanics: three more arrests
Cameron, Brown clash over the extent to which baby murder should be avoided
David Lammy: Did I ever tell you about the time I met Barack Obama?
Clegg: Britain's Obama?
Referee under fire after punch-up at Church of the Holy Sepulchre
Left prepares response to Obama failures
SNP: No we can't
Nader demands a recount
Alaskan moose shares plummet
Obama victory: Republicans to initiate impeachment proceedings first thing Monday
Democrats stock up on champagne, cyanide pills
US Election: Thomas E. Dewey confident of victory
McCain suspends campaign to deal with Brand, Ross crisis
Terry Wogan sacked by BBC after lewd driving gloves prank
Confusion as M&S shopper sent to Switzerland to die
Republicans respond to Obama ad with 120-hour pre-election slot on Fox News
Ross and Brand sacked for being utterly tiresome
Economists upgrade investment ratings on animal skins, flint axes, fire
Geir Haarde holed up in Tora Bora as SAS close in
Austria shocked to learn that Jörg Haider was secret fascist
Joey Barton "wants to be a role model"; Peter Mandelson wants to train as a Relate counsellor
Fayed denies fugging girl
Peter Mandelson: 'This is more like it'
McCain also supported by Joe le taxi
Long Slow Comfortable Screw Against the Wall couple cancel Dubai trip
Sharp fall in Kabbalah share price
US sees UK's £37bn and raises $250bn
PM orders troops into Hamleys
Brown's threat to freeze assets leaves Iceland unmoved
Economy: Mattress sales go through roof
Spectators gather as Björk's assets are frozen
Economy "fucked", says Le Bon
Robert Peston to inject £50 billion into economy
Robert Peston tipped as next Doctor Who
Lloyds TSB to take over Iceland
Mandelson "grateful" for opportunity to resign from cabinet a third time
Cameron: Poor children must learn to spell hereditary privilege correctly
Palin considers dropping McCain as running mate
Tories to scrap all sorts of things, details to follow
Workers to take control of means of production 9am Monday
Financial crisis hits political podium manufacturing industry
Palin: 'I been just about all over Alaska'
Money to run out tomorrow
Democrats are sexist say Misogyny Party
Universe to continue in new dimension
Sexy Librarian Association angered by Sarah Palin comparison
Man-made black hole to swallow Gordon Brown
Sarah Palin dismisses moose-burger rumours
Man City to bid for Bill Gates as new steward
GOP worried about Hurricane Gustav, election
Chris Hoy's thighs to open London 2012
Mandelson returns to solve mortgage crisis
F.A. delighted with seamless transition to Capello regime
Putin refuses to add "Simon Says" to troop withdrawal order
President resigns due to violation of constitution claims, US surprised
Rest of UK wants devolution for Edinburgh Festival
Fury as conditions in Basra continue to improve
East, west Ossetians feeling left out
A-levels: Record number of newspaper pictures of attractive female students
John Edwards: 'It's ok, she only had a bit of cancer at the time'
Ronaldo pledges loyalty to Man Utd's money
Guardian admits wanting to shag Damon Albarn
US Global War on Chauffeurs claims first victim
Official figures confirm Martin Bashir is an arsehole
Brown will either go or stay within weeks, agree political commentators
Police carry out controlled explosion on Nick Robinson
Tom Watson resigns from Government, demands Brown exit
Giles Coren: 'Ich bin ein Berliner'
Karadzic's beard released without charge
Heath Ledger great now dead
Sales of Joker merchandise great now Heath Ledger dead
First New Yorker cover not going so well for Danish cartoonist
Knife thugs will be forced to meet Jacqui Smith
David Cameron: 'Give me one good reason why you can't just move to Notting Hill, you fat bastards'
Nazis angrily deny Mosley claims
Bob Geldof's tailor detained for 42 days
Colombian rebels tricked into adopting amusing name
Go West hanged 1,000 times in tragic Mugabe statement mix-up
Nelson Mandela: 'I wish Annie Lennox wasn't playing, she's shit'
Shami Chakrabarti demands Wimbledon wild card
Steve Rider's hair signs new contract with ITV
Brown: 42 is a number I have pulled out of my arse
Quantum mechanics: three more arrests
British voters 'in the bath', will ring Brown straight back
Mars probe finds Brown not popular there either
George Monbiot attempts citizen's arrest on John Bolton's moustache
Brown faces leadership challenge over Eurovision fiasco
Police carry out controlled explosion on John Humphreys
Diana Inquest: We agree with verdict say relieved Illuminati
Hillary to run against Gordon Brown; also considering trying out for Mayor of London and Britain's Got Talent.
Mugabe lagging well behind in Zimbabwe poll
Mugabe concedes after poll humiliation
All football managers named Phil to be designated 'Big" from today
£120,000 a week could ease the pain admits tearful John Terry
Half of UK school test results still below average; Brown must take blame, say Tories
Cherie Booth: That Tony Blair can kiss my arse, too
Ant and Dec criticised for misleading public about their height
Outrage as website reveals some Italians pay tax
Memoirs: Lord Levy to invoice Blair
Hull evacuated after John Prescott reveals battle with bulimia
Mosley demands strict punishment from Formula One bosses
Heston's gun surprisingly easy to pry from cold, dead fingers
Nick Clegg: Do you want to see my cock?
Olympic Torch to claim political asylum
British Union of Formula One considers name change
Irish PM Aherne: I've enough money now, so I'll be off
Embarrassment for Ed Balls as his bulging eyes finally pop out of their sockets during Paxman interview
Brown orders inquiry into absence of any fuck-ups in last 5 minutes
Mugabe delays announcement of his victory
Konnie Huq in Tibet peace talks
Mugabe delays result of Diana inquest
Apprentice boys' team leader "fired" after they lose controversial Terminal 5 task
Foul stench descends on Downing Street
Treasury to set up body to supervise FSA
Diana verdict: Gross waste of time and money
Global warming fears ease as Thom Yorke steps in
David Cameron apologises for own existence
Daily Express apologises for own existence
Ashley Cole apologises for own existence
Also Sprach Zarathustra shoots up charts
New governor of New York admits sleeping with everybody
Darling: Heavy drinkers got us into this mess in the first place
Prostitute apologises to family over association with NY governor Eliot Spitzer
Budget: Planned 2p rise in duty on improbably dark eyebrows postponed until October
FA Cup to be renamed Autoglass Trophy
Eric Hall resigns from Obama campaign after "monster, monster" gaffe
Tories propose duty hike on alcopops; no news on Bollinger '61
Gary Gygax fails final saving throw
Lee Jasper resigns after leaked email exposes poor grasp of grammar
Autoerotic Asphyxiation Society announce "different kind of" plastic bag crackdown
Millions unhurt in earthquake
Castro retirement speech enters third day
Blonde woman not murdered by psychopath
Mitty set to testify at Diana inquest
Georgian tycoon death: anti-moustache activists questioned
Tie-dye t-shirt industry faces global slump after Camden fire
Heather Mills to sue remaining leg
Tory party to hand itself in at local police station
Neo-cons to blame for everything - report
Mitt Romney withdraws 'for the sake of the wallet I love'
Survey: Jack Straw really bugs a lot of people
Robbie Williams to be crushed and used for road surfacing in China
I love Liverpool says Ringo speaking from his Surrey mansion
Keegan looking forward to emotional resignation
Bill Clinton to Obama: "Your mama”
BA pilot critical of new third runway at Heathrow
Peter Hain takes up simple sword of truth and trusty shield of British fair play
Bobby Fischer: it's the Jews wot done 'im in
Tories: Our secret donations are less illegal than Labour's
Societe Generale trader was funding Hain's deputy leadership campaign
Iowa backs Huckabee after threats from Chuck Norris
Rott Mimney, or whatever, wins US election
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
Giuliani: Did I mention 9/11?
Romney: Nine wives for every voter
CBeebies abandons plans to screen Trainspotting
Ferguson gives Man Utd players day off from orgy training
God: I will not be voting Lib Dem at next election
Pop group to release record not sung in exaggerated regional accent
Tommy Sheridan swears on oath that he is not now nor has he ever been charged with perjury
Legendary pioneer of wife beating Ike Turner dies at 76
Elderly to be given more choice on when and where they are murdered in their own beds
UK's super-rich: Would they like a hand with anything?
Sudan accuses Turner Prize committee of "taking the piss"
Iranian intelligence: US stopped having credible military deterrent in 2003
Tommy Sheridan: I am working class and I have a cute two year old. How could you accuse me?
Gillian Gibbons wins Turner Prize
Cheney doctors shocked by heart discovery
David Cameron comes out against rape, no decision yet on murder
Emergency meeting of Cobra to discuss No.10 sandwich order
Lib Dems publish timetable for removal of next leader
Loss of benefit data including children's names & addresses - Father Christmas denies involvement
Sarkozy renames brioche "freedom buns"
McCartney-ex Heather demands William Blake retract 'Dark Satanic Mills' allegation
Simply Red pencil in money-spinning reunion tour for 2015
Lady Macca: My leg was abducted too
Sharp fall in Tory party membership applications by one-legged Lithuanian lesbians
Dumbledore is new frontrunner in Lib Dem leadership contest
Television programme "not completely made up"
Shadow Chancellor to change name again, this time to Garth
Nick Robinson diagnosed with Foot and Mouth, to be culled tomorrow
New calls for global boycott of John Pilger
Saudis to increase production of beard dye to 11m barrels a day
Postal workers accused of 'British practices' at Bilbao sorting office
Cheese-lover Lewis Hamilton to move to Switzerland
Nickname of next Lib Dem leader to be decided by One Member One Vote
David Cameron to recite Pi to 1000 decimal places
A-levels: Record number of newspaper pictures of attractive female students
Strong winds forecast for Marcel Marceau funeral
Next Bin Laden video to include director's commentary and alternate ending
Control orders to be imposed on all school caretakers
Jack Straw makes citizens arrest on four more cabinet members
Michael Fish: "But the dog ate my homework"
Mourinho "to appear to followers on the third day"
Socks the Blue Peter cat hires top QC
Cuddle Cat hires top QC
Outrage and disbelief as police accuse middle class couple
Faithful gather as Christ's face appears on Ming Campbell's scalp
Foot and Mouth lab leak: Police suspect evil scientist bent on world domination
Brown's first 100 days: Famine expected next Thursday
Rest of UK wants devolution for Edinburgh Festival
New Robin Williams movie: three more arrests
Stocks rise in opera themed puns
Actor "too funny" to be paedo
May: Fat bottomed girls ate my thesis
Ryanair to fly to Richistan from Luton
Bowser enters Big Brother house
Brown: five bowls of salty porridge a day for every child
Charles Kennedy to apply for astronaut training
Bowsers to compete in Crufts '08
Tour de France riders "more loaded than cabinet"
Home Office to re-classify cannabis once it has finished blazing a fat blunt
Ming Campbell wants Bowser to be Lib Dem candidate for London Mayor
Campbell diary: fists flew the day I ordered myself to resign
Planet "fucked" says Le Bon
Bin Laden's deputy receives honorary MBE; goes mental
Health institute NICE rejects provision of heavenly virgins on NHS
Gordon Brown to grant independence to Ed Balls
Terror alert downgraded from "Critical" to "Run, run for your lives"
House prices to increase exponentially says mathematician hired by Daily Express
Huge manhunt as BBC's Alan Johnston on the loose again
Al Qaeda condemns standards in science teaching
Duty free flaming sambucas banned at all Scottish airports
West End traffic wardens: we will not let terrorists destroy our way of life
Olympic Torch to claim political asylum
Karadzic's beard released without charge
Fury as conditions in Basra continue to improve
Mandelson returne to solve mortgage crisis
UK sold to private equity firm
Lord Ashcroft demands refund