Diana inquest verdict: murdered by Prince Philip*

The inquest into the death of Princess Diana has delivered the widely-anticipated verdict that a pregnant Princess Diana and her fiance Dodi Fayed were murdered by MI6 under the instructions of Prince Philip. The jury found that the Royal Family, incensed by the prospect of a Muslim stepfather to the future King of Great Britain, instructed MI6 to assassinate the couple. MI6 carried out the murder, utilising a strobe light in the Alma Tunnel in Paris, with a secret agent driving a white Fiat Uno into the couple's Mercedes limousine. Police said they would now arrest Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip and other senior members of the Royal Family and charge them with murder. Until the extent of the knowledge of the Royal conspiracy can be known, a Regent will be appointed as Head of State. MI6 will be disbanded and the entire Government will be arrested.

*Of course not. You idiots.

Palace swept for bugs - inquest

The inquest into the deaths of Princess Diana and Dodi Al Fayed has heard how Princes Andrew and Edward were removed by security services after Buckingham Palace was swept for unwanted bugs. The hearing continues.

Diana considered marrying Khan

The inquest into the death of Princess Diana has heard how she had considered marriage to Khan Noonien Singh, a genetically engineered tyrant from the late 20th century. Diana's former butler Paul Burrell told the inquest that the Royal household was very opposed to the Princess of Wales marrying the noted mass murderer and long-time nemesis of USS Enterprise captain James T Kirk. Friends had also counselled Diana against a union with Khan, the latest in a string of apparently unsuitable suitors for the princess, because he had shown little remorse over his use of torture and genocide in the Eugenics Wars. But Diana told them that it was still better than being married to Prince Charles. "From Hell's heart, I stab at thee. For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee," the Duke of Edinburgh told reporters.