'Anti-Sleaze' party to contest next election

A party led by Neil and Christine Hamilton is to field candidates at the next general election on an anti-sleaze platform in protest at the scandal over MPs' expenses. Neil Hamilton, flanked by David Mellor and Jonathan Aitken as he launched the campaign, spoke to reporters today. "We need to clean up Parliament and return it to the good old days of cash bribes in brown paper bags," he said. "That Esther Rantzen is a bloody crook too," he added.

Queen broke shock

The Queen is so strapped for cash she plans to set up premium rate 'Dial-a-Royal' phone lines to boost her coffers. Phone companies fear they will collapse under the strain of demand and a busy operator reported that the most popular question was likely to be "how much for your corgis?" Prince Philip, likely to be besieged by S & M fetishists begging to be abused, is not taking part. Al Fayed's number is barred.

Diana inquest verdict: murdered by Prince Philip*

The inquest into the death of Princess Diana has delivered the widely-anticipated verdict that a pregnant Princess Diana and her fiance Dodi Fayed were murdered by MI6 under the instructions of Prince Philip. The jury found that the Royal Family, incensed by the prospect of a Muslim stepfather to the future King of Great Britain, instructed MI6 to assassinate the couple. MI6 carried out the murder, utilising a strobe light in the Alma Tunnel in Paris, with a secret agent driving a white Fiat Uno into the couple's Mercedes limousine. Police said they would now arrest Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip and other senior members of the Royal Family and charge them with murder. Until the extent of the knowledge of the Royal conspiracy can be known, a Regent will be appointed as Head of State. MI6 will be disbanded and the entire Government will be arrested.

*Of course not. You idiots.

Government to nationalise Al Fayed

The Chancellor, Alastair Darling, has announced that urgent legislation will be put before the House of Commons to place Mohammed Al Fayed into public ownership. Darling defended the government's actions, saying, "the taxpayer already faces potential costs of up to £100bn as a result of reckless and irresponsible inquiries into conspiracy theories involving Prince Phillip, Nazis and MI6."

Economists are concerned that no one knows the true extent of the worthless claims, which have been packaged and sold around the world in recent years. In his evidence before the 5th Annual Inquest Into The Deaths Of Princess Diana And Dodi, Mr Fayed - whose real name ends with 'Frankenstein' - accused not only Tony Blair and Jack Straw, but French intelligence agents and the CIA, indicating that the crisis is moving from the sub-prime minister sector to the wider world.

The Chancellor rejected claims that the government should not be in the Fayed business. "He's a clown and a buffoon, with more money than sense. What's your point?"

Al Fayed fury at inquest witness ruling

Lawyers for Mohamed Al Fayed have failed in a bid to summons a seven foot tall blood-drinking reptilian from the star system Alpha Draconis to court to give evidence at the inquest into the death of Al Fayed's son Dodi and Diana Princess of Wales. Speaking yesterday after acting deputy coroner Lord Justice Scott Baker refused the application Mr Al Fayed said, "I'm certain of what happened. I know they were murdered. I will not rest until we find the shapeshifting Royal Family lizards who took the life of these two innocent people."