Banana offers lukewarm support to PM

Westminster was awash with renewed speculation tonight as one of the leading bananas in the cabinet offered unenthusiastic support for the prime minister following calls for a leadership ballot. A spokesman for the prime minister said that Mr Brown was "relaxed and getting on with the job of destroying the Labour Party and all his enemies one by one."

Alan Johnson quiff tipped to take over as Labour leader

The quiff of Health Secretary Alan Johnson has been
installed as favourite to become the next leader of the Labour Party. James Purnell's sideburns are third favourite, whilst David Miliband's barely detectable bumfluff has slipped to fourth.

Prime Minister sends David Miliband on well earned fishing trip

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Great extinction underway, say scientists

Between a quarter and a third of the world's annoying bastards will be made extinct at the next general election, according to data compiled by the Zoological Society of London. "You'd have to go back to the extinction of the dinosaurs in 1997 to see a decline as rapid as this," says Jonathan Loh, editor of the report.

Millions duped by "fixed" competition

There was anger this morning as a BBC investigation revealed that the contest for the Labour Party leadership has been fixed. Former cabinet ministers have spent hundreds of pounds in phone calls to David Miliband in an attempt to persuade him to enter the competition but the BBC probe shows that the winner was picked in advance. Caller Charles Clarke says he is appalled by the revelations. "I have been calling David every morning for weeks - seems I was wasting my money."

Miliband regrets chancing his arm after brutal response by Brown

After yesterday's events it is believed that David Miliband is having second thoughts about running for the Labour leadership.

Miliband: Hundred per cent cut in emissions by 2010

Environment Secretary David Miliband says latest projections suggest that the Labour government will cut emissions entirely by 2010. With the next general election three years away Mr Miliband says that Labour will easily achieve the ambitious target. "Under the leadership of Mr Brown there is no doubt in my mind that we will not be emitting any more damaging policies, Bills or Acts because we'll all be sitting on the opposition benches listening to Mr Cameron drone on." The Tories and Liberal Democrats have welcomed the proposals.

Miliband in Brown "twat" gaffe

David Miliband was today forced into an embarrassing climbdown after describing Gordon Brown as a "twat" on last night's Question Time. The Secretary of State for Environment, an arch-Blairite tipped as a future Labour leader, said: "If Gordon becomes Prime Minister I guarantee that in six months time people will be saying 'Fuck me, even that little prick Tony Blair was better than this dour twat. Why the hell is this tit our prime Minister?' " Asked by David Dimbleby to explain his remarks, he said: "Whoever's in – people always have a whack at you, that's the joy of politics." A spokesman for Miliband said today: "David was pointing out the fickle nature of political life, so piss off."