Polish workers leaving in droves - report

Officials believe that as many as half of the workers who flooded into the UK from Poland have stopped reading the Daily Mail. Figures show that thousands of Poles who came to Britain seeking a better life have now abandoned the paper. Ewelina Marszazeb, 24, left Poland last year to work in London. "At first it was really easy reading the Mail. It was great reading articles to my family back home. Things are a lot tougher now and I've realised it's a deeply reactionary piece of horse manure," she says. "I'm returning to the Times," she adds, sadly.

Republican candidates vow to deport themselves

Republican presidential candidates have pledged to deport themselves in a bid to capture their party’s anti-immigration support. Speaking at the candidates’ debate in Florida yesterday, former New York mayor and Italian-American Rudy Giuliani said that there was “no place for this rising tide of southern Europeans in our land”, and promised to put himself on the first steamboat leaving Ellis Island should he be elected to the White House. Not wanting to be outdone, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, whose father was born in Mexico, said that he would "throw himself back over the Rio Grande" as soon as he is made president. All of the candidates agreed that they would find and expel any remaining tired, poor and huddled masses, yearning to breathe free.

Tories unveil new campaign poster

Immigration: Home Office admits uncertainty

The Home Office last night admitted that it did not know its arse from its elbow. The uncertainty came as it emerged that officials had been unable to produce accurate migration figures for the last ten years. Migration minister Liam Byrne said: "The public is right to expect the government to have the right migration statistics. Two big changes are needed to get to grips with this: one, we must identify our arse properly, and two, we need a new system to track down our elbow. In the next couple of weeks we will announce exactly how we do it."

Daily Express is a big worry for most Britons

The Daily Express is “a big problem,” according to three-quarters of Britons. Half the nation also believes that controlling the huge numbers of copies of the paper in the country is the most worrying issue facing the nation today.

Others however have welcomed the paper's campaign on immigration. One contributor to the Express comments page urges readers to vote BNP. "Heaven help this UNELECTED JOCK SQUATTER DEAF DESPOT whom will destroy ENGLAND in favour of HIS beloved Jockland.......this tiny island which was once OURS. Our rivers and gutters will run red with blood, you have been warned."

Another contributor adds: "This cannot be a real problem as the BBC have not mentioned it in the news. Yesterday’s lead story was about badgers. I suppose the fact that badgers have black markings and that to cull them is racist was probably the prime reason for the BBC making this the main news item."

A Downing Street spokesman said today that the Unelected Jock Squatter Deaf Despot would be making an announcement on the issue in the next few days.