Global financial system "fucked" says Fed Chairman

"We are absolutely fucked," said US Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today, after the United States' 5th largest investment bank, Bear Stearns, was bought by JP Morgan for two chocolate cupcakes and some sprinkles, interest rates were slashed again, the dollar plunged and panic spread through financial markets worldwide. "You have no idea," Bernanke added, "how fucked we are. I'm fucked, you're fucked, we're all fucked. No-one knows what kind of shit they've bought, or sold, or have been landed with. Fuck this. You want rate cuts? YOU WANT RATE CUTS?! I'LL GIVE YOU FUCKING RATE CUTS!"

The Governor of the Bank of England, Mervyn King, did not share his US counterpart's optimism. "Oh my fucking god," he said today. "We haven't got a fucking clue. Any of us. It's all built on shit that's sinking fast. It's quicksand. Quickshit. Whatever. Fuck."

Stock market turmoil - new footage

White House latest victim of subprime crisis

The US government's executive branch was without offices on Monday, after the Providence Lending Corporation repossessed the White House because of late mortgage repayments. Surrounded by document boxes and fax machines on the pavement of Pennsylvania Avenue, President George Bush vowed to introduce legislation in Congress granting financial relief to casualties of the subprime mortgage crisis, or to borrow some money off of Canada or Mexico. The president then asked if anyone knew where the nearest Starbucks was, and if his laptop computer would get "free internets".