Global financial system "fucked" says Fed Chairman

"We are absolutely fucked," said US Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today, after the United States' 5th largest investment bank, Bear Stearns, was bought by JP Morgan for two chocolate cupcakes and some sprinkles, interest rates were slashed again, the dollar plunged and panic spread through financial markets worldwide. "You have no idea," Bernanke added, "how fucked we are. I'm fucked, you're fucked, we're all fucked. No-one knows what kind of shit they've bought, or sold, or have been landed with. Fuck this. You want rate cuts? YOU WANT RATE CUTS?! I'LL GIVE YOU FUCKING RATE CUTS!"

The Governor of the Bank of England, Mervyn King, did not share his US counterpart's optimism. "Oh my fucking god," he said today. "We haven't got a fucking clue. Any of us. It's all built on shit that's sinking fast. It's quicksand. Quickshit. Whatever. Fuck."

Central Bankers look to Bono for advice as markets plunge

Stock markets were calmed today as news emerged that both Bono and actress Emma Thompson were attending the World Economic Forum in Davos. Efforts by central banks and governments to slash interest rates, inject billions of dollars into the system and nationalise failing banks had not managed to stabilise markets but the showbiz pair calmed market nerves with an acoustic rendition of U2 classic "Pride (In the Name of Love)" followed by a recital of the piano scene from "Peter's Friends".
George Soros was thought to have cancelled an emergency meeting with Fed Chief Ben Bernanke in favour of a night in listening to The Joshua Tree.

Stock market turmoil - new footage