Bin Laden spaceships attack Grover's Mill

Americans' worst nightmares came true today, as spaceships piloted by terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden and his fellow jihadis attacked the small New Jersey town of Grover's Mill. Al Qaeda planners exploited a previously undetected "healthy scepticism" among US citizens to bring in attack ships armed with heat rays from Mars in the guise of meteors, according to panicky radio reports. US defence networks were caught unawares, despite years of warnings that they should extend their searches to UFOs because they could be terrorists or aliens, or terrorist-aliens. "You must believe me when I tell you that the sky is falling down," says UFO expert Nick Pope. "Why won't anyone listen to me?"

US voters nervous about Giuliani confidence

Americans are hoarding tinned foods and bottled water, as Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani remains eerily confident that his flagging campaign can be turned around somehow. Former New York mayor Giuliani, whose campaign has focused heavily on terrorist threats to the US, appears unconcerned about gathering no delegates from the Iowa caucuses and the Wyoming convention, and trailing in the New Hampshire primary. "Something's not right. He's so blasé about finishing behind Ron Paul in Iowa," said terrorist expert Michael Scheuer. "He must know something's coming. Run! Run! Aieeeeee!" he added. Giuliani himself has largely refused to comment about his position in the polls. "It's a long primary season and we're running a national strategy," said Giuliani campaign co-chair Steve Forbes. "Almost anything could happen. Anything! Just when you least expect it!"