UK showbusiness shut down in awards shame

Gordon Brown has placed the entire British film industry under house arrest after Kate Winslet's poorly acted, embarrassing and self-important acceptance speech at Sunday's Golden Globe awards. Winslet and her fellow over-emoters are also to be banned from talking about their feelings or referring to their work as "remarkable" or "extraordinary".

Explaining his actions, Gordon Brown said this evening "This embarrassing behaviour must stop. I'll let them out when they realise all they do is dress up and read out other people's words whilst pouting".