Growth of 0.1% coincidentally same as Labour's chance of winning election

Experts say that the 0.1% growth in the final three months of 2009 is precisely the same chance that Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling (pictured) have of winning the general election this year. Some commentators have however advised further caution in the months ahead, saying that the chances of Labour victory may well be actually far lower than the headline figure. The Labour party recession began in the first quarter of 2003, and is the longest on record.

50p tax rate could drive top twats abroad

There were today new warnings from the City that many of the UK's highest-paid self-serving ghastly twats would flee the country to avoid the new 50p tax rate announced in last week's budget. The Chancellor Alistair Darling has been urged to re-think the tax hike to avoid the so-called 'bastard-drain' of top talent from the country.

In other news: Many people still using schools and hospitals.

Banks respond to Treasury demands on interest rates

Britain's banks finally responded to growing public and political pressure yesterday to pass on to their customers the full 1.5 percentage point cut in interest rates. After an early morning meeting with the chancellor, Alistair Darling, the UK's biggest lenders yesterday came out one by one and flipped him the bird before running off down Whitehall. By mid afternoon each of the banks that had sought help from the government's £37bn bail-out had mooned in the direction of the Chancellor and invited the Treasury to kiss their lily-white arses. Prime Minister Gordon Brown welcomed the move.

World leader tranquillises big cat

Kremlin strongman Gordon Brown has once again shown the world that he's not a man to be messed with. Camouflage-clad Mr Brown is reported to have shot an enraged six foot pussy cat with a tranquillizer gun after it had freed itself from a restraint. The latest macho act comes after years of angling for a promotion.

PM reacts to chancellor economy warning

Full story.

Mansion House speech: Chancellor warns City

Run.

Bank crisis: Question chancellor still refuses to answer

Where is missing beard?

Cameron slates government over economic competence

Chancellor Alistair Darling today came under renewed pressure from the Conservatives over his stewardship of the economy after it emerged that he blocked a move that could have rescued troubled bank Northern Rock. A Tory spokesman said this morning: "This comes on top of the capital gains tax fiasco, the US mortgage crisis and his U-turn on guarantees for bank depositors. It's pretty clear that we are now heading for the worst financial crisis since 1992 and that the Conservative party, under the leadership of David Cameron, is increasingly seen as a much safer pair of hands."

Poverty eradicated in Kensington and Chelsea

The Labour government today opened up a new axis in its fight against poverty with massive tax breaks for the adult offspring of unbroken homes. Chancellor Alistair Darling, his voice cracking with emotion, described the difficulties faced by these individuals whose parents have failed to divorce and whose childhood homes are now worth more than the dreams of avarice. The Child Poverty Action Group welcomed the move. “We are delighted. These people have never had anything to worry about and frankly, they shouldn’t have to start now”.