Banks stave off credit crunch through hip hoppery

Following the collapse of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac and IndyMac, US treasury secretary Hank Paulson has issued an edict that all American banks are to be renamed in a similar style. JP Morgan and Goldman Sachs are to be rebranded Jimmy Mack and LL Cool G respectively and the Fed itself will henceforth be known as Big Mac.

The UK is thought to be following suit in a British style with Northern Rock and Bradford & Bingley to be renamed Fanny Craddock and Poached Haddock with immediate effect.

Government to nationalise Al Fayed

The Chancellor, Alastair Darling, has announced that urgent legislation will be put before the House of Commons to place Mohammed Al Fayed into public ownership. Darling defended the government's actions, saying, "the taxpayer already faces potential costs of up to £100bn as a result of reckless and irresponsible inquiries into conspiracy theories involving Prince Phillip, Nazis and MI6."

Economists are concerned that no one knows the true extent of the worthless claims, which have been packaged and sold around the world in recent years. In his evidence before the 5th Annual Inquest Into The Deaths Of Princess Diana And Dodi, Mr Fayed - whose real name ends with 'Frankenstein' - accused not only Tony Blair and Jack Straw, but French intelligence agents and the CIA, indicating that the crisis is moving from the sub-prime minister sector to the wider world.

The Chancellor rejected claims that the government should not be in the Fayed business. "He's a clown and a buffoon, with more money than sense. What's your point?"

Bank crisis: Question chancellor still refuses to answer

Where is missing beard?

Cameron slates government over economic competence

Chancellor Alistair Darling today came under renewed pressure from the Conservatives over his stewardship of the economy after it emerged that he blocked a move that could have rescued troubled bank Northern Rock. A Tory spokesman said this morning: "This comes on top of the capital gains tax fiasco, the US mortgage crisis and his U-turn on guarantees for bank depositors. It's pretty clear that we are now heading for the worst financial crisis since 1992 and that the Conservative party, under the leadership of David Cameron, is increasingly seen as a much safer pair of hands."

London unveils new event for 2012 Olympics

The £2bn bank run.