Foghorn Leghorn opposes judicial nominee

Cartoon chicken Foghorn Leghorn is leading strong opposition among Republican legislators against President Barack Obama's nomination to replace retiring Supreme Court justice David Souter. Leghorn, a failed nominee for a position as a federal judge, represents Republican senators that are up in arms and flightless wings against whomever Obama appoints to the nation's highest court. Although no one has yet been nominated, Republicans fear it might be a woman or a black or something. "I say, I say, I say, boy!" Leghorn says. "Put that gavel down, now. Y'all are not fit to wear that there gown, y'hear?" The Senate judicial committee's leading Republican, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, was unavailable for comment, as he has been taunting a dog that will run at him until its leash jerks it back, making it yelp.

Obama conspiracy theorist suffers fatal erection

Conspiracy theorist Ted Byrd died yesterday moments after watching Chief Justice John Roberts and "President" Barack Obama stumble through the oath of office during the inauguration in Washington. Byrd, who has lately claimed that Obama is ineligible for office, suffered a massive and fatal erection whilst watching the ceremony on Fox News.
Friends of Byrd say he died a happy man. "He pointed at the television and said 'He's not technically President,' and then he keeled over," said pal Jim Lawrence today. "His last words were 'That awkward syntactic muddle had all the hallmarks of the Illuminati,' and then he was gone. It's the way he would have wanted it," he added.
The White House today would only confirm that the new President is a puppet of the military-industrial complex hellbent on profitable endless war and suppression of the peoples of the world.

Delicate post-partisan consensus kept swaddled in cotton

Advanced Nasa cushioning technology and a half-mile thick shroud of cotton have been deployed to protect an extremely delicate "post-partisan consensus" between Republicans and Democrats after the US election on 4 November. US citizens have been advised to tiptoe in their socks in a 20-mile exclusion zone around the fragile consensus, which is housed in an underground bunker, built on shock-proof springs in Washington DC. Raising seemingly straightforward issues — such as prosecuting Bush administration officials for illegal wire-tapping, torturing detainees and destroying evidence, or dropping Senator Joe Lieberman from the Democratic caucus for openly campaigning against Barack Obama — threaten this most delicate of agreements, pundits have warned. Despite Barack Obama winning a clear mandate as President and Democrats controlling both houses of Congress, suggestions that Republicans can finally go fuck themselves have been dismissed as highly dangerous to the precarious well-being of the race to the centre ground. "Ssshhhhh!" said House speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate majority leader Harry Reid.

Luca Brasi agrees to become Obama's chief of staff

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