Republicans: We're so not gay

The Republican Party has moved quickly to restore its reputation for upholding family values after Idaho Senator Larry Craig resigned yesterday following his now notorious "bathroom incident".
Party officials said last night that they could foresee "no problems whatsoever on the gay front" with the fact that Craig's replacement would be chosen by Idaho Governor C.L. "Butch" Otter.
The Republican leadership is keen to scotch rumours that the whole social conservative movement is a seething mass of repressed and self-hating closet cases. Advising Governor Otter on his choice of appointee will be ex-House Majority Leader Tom "Cruise" DeLay and current Minority Whip, Trent "Dorothy" Lott (left, with Craig, centre, as one of a barbershop quartet known as The Singing Senators, singing their acclaimed a capella version of the theme from Cagney & Lacey).




UPDATE If Larry Craig were gay:

Former US envoy critical of own moustache

John Bolton, former US ambassador to the United Nations, today criticised his own moustache over the Iran hostages crisis. The moustache's weakness in standing up to Iran in the stand-off handed a propaganda victory to Tehran, he said yesterday. "I was gravely disappointed that my facial hair decided to resolve this through diplomatic pussyfooting instead of bombing the hell out of Iran as I suggested," he said.

Cheney aide in naming scandal

Dick Cheney's former chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby was found guilty yesterday of inappropriately carrying a childhood nickname into adulthood. Mr Libby's nickname is supposedly a reference to how he scooted around his cot as a baby. The foreman of the jury, Peter Gonzales, said outside court, "I mean, come on, its ridiculous that the Vice President's right hand man is a guy who goes around insisting on being called by his baby name."
This verdict follows the successful prosecution in 2006 of disgraced Republican congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham for theft of John Wayne's nickname. An associate of Cunningham, ex-CIA Executive Director Kyle "Dusty" Foggo, is charged with walking straight out of a Carl Hiaasen novel.