Ban Ki-moon to star opposite Julia Roberts in Oceans 15

Or something.

Central Bankers look to Bono for advice as markets plunge

Stock markets were calmed today as news emerged that both Bono and actress Emma Thompson were attending the World Economic Forum in Davos. Efforts by central banks and governments to slash interest rates, inject billions of dollars into the system and nationalise failing banks had not managed to stabilise markets but the showbiz pair calmed market nerves with an acoustic rendition of U2 classic "Pride (In the Name of Love)" followed by a recital of the piano scene from "Peter's Friends".
George Soros was thought to have cancelled an emergency meeting with Fed Chief Ben Bernanke in favour of a night in listening to The Joshua Tree.

New TV embarrassment for armed forces

Army chiefs are bracing themselves for a new row about their readiness to accommodate today's insatiable popular culture. Following hard on the heels of the widely-condemned decision to allow the sailors recently captured by Iran to sell their stories to the media, the Ministry of Defence has withdrawn all military cooperation with the forthcoming TV series Strictly Come Minesweeping.

Des Browne, the Defence Secretary, apparently fears that allowing servicemen and women to conduct synchronised minesweeping operations with celebrities such as Danielle Lloyd or Tony from Hollyoaks may offend against the dignity of the armed forces, as well as exposing ill-trained celebrities to the risk of horrific injury.