Ban this heartless event beg lonely singles

Valentine's Day misery broke out today as hundreds of lonely singles took to the streets to campaign for an end to the annual celebration which they argue excludes the sad and the single. Sickened by the proliferation of teddy bears with cute slogans and heart-shaped chocolates wrapped in pink foil, the lonesome campaigners demanded that something be done to halt the callous trade in giant padded cards from Clintons and garage-sourced red roses wrapped in cellophane.
"It's just so unfair" sobbed one protestor, "It's hard enough being single without having it rubbed in every Valentine's Day. Honestly, if I see another oversized bouquet of flowers delivered to the office today, I'm just going to kill myself".

Creator of Paddington Bear goes into hiding

Michael Bond, creator of Paddington Bear, went into hiding yesterday after widespread threats from trainspotters. Bond, 81, has been accused of demeaning one of the holy sites of trainspotters, by naming his cartoon bear after Paddington Station.
Stan Grimshaw, a trainspotter from Acton, claimed to be speaking for a billion trainspotters worldwide. "I am deeply offended," he said. "This blasphemer should know that the name of this bear disrespects the great Station of Paddington. As penance, Bond will be tied to the tracks outside Didcot and lashed by the wheels of the 15:09 to Bristol Temple Meads."

Queen in shock Rushdie beheading

The furore surrounding the knighthood awarded to Salman Rushdie took a shocking turn today at an early private investiture at Buckingham Palace. Stung by criticisms at home and abroad that the award was insensitive to Muslims, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II decided to take matters into her own hands and restore Britain's honour.
With Rushdie kneeling on the knighting-stool in front of the Queen, equerries and ladies-in-waiting watched stunned as Her Majesty sliced Rushdie's head off his shoulders with her ceremonial sword, screaming, "God is great! Death to apostates!" The Queen then ordered a video of the execution to be sent to Al Jazeera.
Pakistan's Religious Affairs minister, who previously warned of suicide bombings following the award, said in response to the execution, "A woman beheading an apostate? Blasphemy! Boy, are you going to be sorry now."