Dunce Desk

Laurel.

Hardy.

Chapeau.

Millions hit by vomiting bug

Millions of Londoners have been struck down with severe nausea at the thought that Ken Livingstone might be re-elected Mayor in May. Unusually high levels of vomiting were reported as Londoners realised that Boris Johnson is the alternative. The only cure for "voter vomiting virus", as the Livingstone bug is called, is the destruction of Israel and the stoning of gays.

Question mark over UK blog poll

Neil Clark, winner of an award for best UK blog, has dismissed suggestions that multiple voting by his supporters inflated his share of the poll. Clark, noted for his support for former Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic, says he won the poll fair and square. "The reason for my blog's popularity is very simple. The positions I espouse are in tune with the views of the majority of ordinary fascists."

Queen in shock Rushdie beheading

The furore surrounding the knighthood awarded to Salman Rushdie took a shocking turn today at an early private investiture at Buckingham Palace. Stung by criticisms at home and abroad that the award was insensitive to Muslims, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II decided to take matters into her own hands and restore Britain's honour.
With Rushdie kneeling on the knighting-stool in front of the Queen, equerries and ladies-in-waiting watched stunned as Her Majesty sliced Rushdie's head off his shoulders with her ceremonial sword, screaming, "God is great! Death to apostates!" The Queen then ordered a video of the execution to be sent to Al Jazeera.
Pakistan's Religious Affairs minister, who previously warned of suicide bombings following the award, said in response to the execution, "A woman beheading an apostate? Blasphemy! Boy, are you going to be sorry now."

French Open - Controversy over Serb finalist

Political commentator Neil Clark has come under fire from porn surfers for adding gratuitous political comment to a graphic upskirt photograph of Serbian tennis player Ana Ivanovic who reached the final of the French Open this week. One unnamed onanist said today: "It's disgusting. I was quite happily browsing the internet when suddenly I came across this unpleasant apologism for Slobodan Milosevic. It really put me off."

Guardian attacked, but probably the West's fault

A Bosnian Serb militia force attacked the Guardian's offices in Farringdon today, shelling the building and occupying the newsroom. The attack was in response to the shock omission in yesterday's edition of Britain's foremost liberal newspaper of a single article praising or defending Slobodan Milosevic, or downplaying the extent of the Srebrenica massacre.
The leader of the militia, Marco Klaric, said, "You let that Vladimir Putin do an article about democracy the other week. We will not rest until Ratko Mladic has a lifestyle column on Saturdays."
As the paper's male staff members were being led away to an uncertain fate, some columnists were heard to be calling for help from anyone - anyone - except NATO or the West, which would be illegal.