Happy New Year from all at FTSE 100

Story.

Weblog Awards 2008

You may, if you can bear the excitement, vote here.

Dubai sex on beach man: 'I was in wrong place at wrong time'

Quite.

Physicist's daughter not comforted by Schrödinger's cat paradox

The nine year old daughter of quantum physics professor Jonathan Carnegie has rejected her father's attempts to comfort her in the wake of the disappearance of her pet cat, Edison. The animal has not been seen for six days after leaving the house last Sunday, and Marie Carnegie is pessimistic about the cat's fate. "I just know he's been run over by a car. I'm so upset, and my dad is just making things so much worse with this dead cat in a box, alive cat in a box, superposition thing," she said today. "Also, I really, really wanted to call him Fluffy," she added.

Pope Benedict delivers seasonal message

Story.

Does a bear, when shitting in the woods, realise how ridiculous it sounds?

Celibate man who wears velvet and ermine dresses, red Prada shoes and who is inseparable from his dashing young personal assistant, warns against the blurring of traditional gender roles.

Friday Music Desk: Ode to Joy

Hallelujah: Leonard Cohen's classic finally decoded

Turns out Hallelujah is all about comedy 80s knitwear.

David Cameron orders 'overweight' Shadow Cabinet into training

Story.

Bush finds WMD stash in Iraq

Story here.

UPDATE: Dr Evil henchman Random Task taken into preventative custody.

Paul: I gave John all his best ideas

How I intervened to stop the Vietnam war, by Paul McCartney.
Tomorrow: How I invented the avant garde, just after I tipped off the Dalai Lama about Buddhism and gave JFK the idea to put a man on the moon.

Blagojevich: Coiffure is Destiny

Story.

Illinois Governor arrested for cliche-ridden impersonation of TV mobster

ROD BLAGOJEVICH stated that he is "struggling" financially and does "not want to be Governor for the next two years." ROD BLAGOJEVICH said that the consultants (Advisor B and another consultant are believed to be on the call at that time) are telling him that he has to "suck it up" for two years and do nothing and give this "motherfucker [the President-elect] his senator. Fuck him. For nothing? Fuck him." ROD BLAGOJEVICH states that he will put "[Senate Candidate 4]" in the Senate "before I just give fucking [Senate Candidate 1] a fucking Senate seat and I don't get anything."

Later in the conversation, ROD BLAGOJEVICH said he knows that the President-elect wants Senate Candidate 1 for the open seat but "they're not willing to give me anything except appreciation. Fuck them."

In other public corruption news, did House of Commons Speaker Michael Martin threaten to bury Damian Green in fucking concrete buckled court shoes? And concrete silk stockings? Is George Osborne a motherfucker?

Sapland theme park to close

It was billed as a magical wonderland but yesterday standards agencies stepped in to close down a David Cameron theme park. Thousands of complaints had been received from visitors saying the attraction was a ‘scam' and did not live up to its billing. Action was taken after disappointed families had threatened two elves who were today named as George Osborne and Alan Duncan.

"Life from asteroids" claim sparks anger

Details.

Boris Johnson renews call for better conditions for first time prisoners

Full dishonourable story.

Friday Music Desk: Marlon Brando sings Luck Be A Lady

Obama called David Cameron a lightweight after their meeting - Picture

Full story.

Poll: Tories at record levels of sanctimonious cant

An opinion poll published today shows that affected sanctimony amongst Tories is at its highest level for 15 years. Leader David Cameron welcomed the poll which comes in a week in which Tory frontbenchers have lined up to condemn the arrest of Damian Green. "This disgraceful assault on the freedom of Parliament has caused the most serious constitutional crisis since Charles I did that really bad thing, and that was ages ago," said a spokesman for the party today. Asked about the precise relationship between Damian Green and the civil servant at the heart of the leaking row, the spokesman said: "Ooh look, a squirrel!"

Police State Britain: Dissidents rounded up, will face firing squad

Full TERRIFYING story.

Revealed for the first time: Damian Green's relationship with Civil Servant

Story.