Brown reviews options

Following further revelations about prominent Labour politicians peddling themselves for cash, Gordon Brown is thought to be weighing up the next steps for his Government. One option under consideration is to put in a formal request for a military coup. A mass visit to Dignitas has also not been ruled out. The Prime Minister's spokesman, commenting on the latest sleeze allegations, said "Oh fuck it. What's the point?"

Byers: I am NOT a corrupt influence peddler! I am a liar!

Stephen Byers today furiously condemned those who questioned his dishonesty, following tonight's Channel 4 Dispatches documentary. Byers, who was recorded claiming to have successfully influenced legislation for National Express and Tesco, today stated that nothing he said could be believed by anyone. "My pants are on fire," he explained, "and I will say anything for cash. Everything I say is a lie."

"Or is it?" he added.

Mugabe distances self from 'sleazy' Lord Ashcroft

Zimbabwe president withdraws support for 'shambolic' Cameron and the 'sleaze from Belize'.

Boo-fucking-hoo Desk

Tory MP Nadine Dorries, pictured, says the Daily Telegraph's investigation into MPs' expenses amounts to a form of torture.

Dead Ducks must face re-selection

More.

'Anti-Sleaze' party to contest next election

A party led by Neil and Christine Hamilton is to field candidates at the next general election on an anti-sleaze platform in protest at the scandal over MPs' expenses. Neil Hamilton, flanked by David Mellor and Jonathan Aitken as he launched the campaign, spoke to reporters today. "We need to clean up Parliament and return it to the good old days of cash bribes in brown paper bags," he said. "That Esther Rantzen is a bloody crook too," he added.

MPs: More second home 'flipping' expected

"Norman Stanley Fletcher, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner. We therefore feel constrained to commit you to the maximum term allowed for these offences: you will go to prison for five years."

MPs' expenses: David Cameron 'appalled' at ostentatious display of extravagant living

APPALLED, I say.

David Willetts in light bulb shocker

More on 'Two Claims'.

Hazel Blears under fire over second home expenses

More pixie news.

George Osborne cocaine prostitute scurrilous smear - Picture

Full shocking claims here here here and here.

Jacqui Smith's husband apologises for the whole goatee/swept back hair thing

The shame.

Unemployment set to rise again

Story.

Revealed for the first time: Damian Green's relationship with Civil Servant

Story.

Tories fume over crime figures

The number of criminals jailed each year has plunged to the lowest level since Labour came to power, it was revealed last night. The latest statistics from the Ministry of Justice have provoked opposition anger. Shadow Home Secretary Dominic Grieve said: “The number of criminals being given a slap on the wrist with a caution has shot up. These statistics betray ten years of failure by Labour." The rest of the Shadow Cabinet were this morning helping police with their enquiries.

George Osborne: Unanswered questions remain

The Electoral Commission was today urged to launch an investigation into allegations that George Osborne's jowls were illegally obtained. The jowls, whose stellar rise through the ranks of the party culminated in their appointment as shadow chancellor at just 33, have become noticeably plumper in recent weeks, prompting a whispering campaign on the Tory backbenches. The intervention came after an MP said he would be asking parliament's standards watchdog to rule on whether Osborne should have declared his unusually high level of self-satisfied hauteur in the Commons register of members' interests.

The boy stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled

Twit.

Key:

1. George Osborne

7. Nat Rothschild

(God bless you Spike.)

Tory recruitment drive declared a success

Story.

Speaker Martin denies Air Miles misuse

More.

Securitas raid gang blame 'administrative shortcomings'

Members of the gang involved in Britain's biggest cash robbery have apologised unreservedly for "administrative shortcomings and misjudgments" which they say led to the inadvertent kidnap of the manager of a Securitas depot and the theft of £53m. The investigation into the robbery meanwhile has come under fire from Great Train Robber Ronnie Biggs who last night complained that the authorities were conducting a witch-hunt against the gang.