Thursday, 30 April 2009

Monday, 27 April 2009

50p tax rate could drive top twats abroad

There were today new warnings from the City that many of the UK's highest-paid self-serving ghastly twats would flee the country to avoid the new 50p tax rate announced in last week's budget. The Chancellor Alistair Darling has been urged to re-think the tax hike to avoid the so-called 'bastard-drain' of top talent from the country.
In other news: Many people still using schools and hospitals.

Deadly Swine Flu reaches UK

Bless you.

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

UN Conference on Racism "a triumph"

The organisers of the 2009 UN Conference to promote antisemitism have declared themselves delighted with the first day of the Geneva conference yesterday. The keynote speaker, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, "pushed all the right buttons", said a conference organiser. "To have the world's most famous Holocaust denier speak on the eve of Holocaust Remembrance Day? A masterstroke!"

The head of the UN Human Rights Council, the body responsible for the conference, also expressed pleasure at the outcome. "Listen, we've got Russia, China, Azerbaijan, you name it on this Council. Saudi Arabia, for Chrissakes. Filthy regimes, the lot of them. And the only country we ever criticise is you-know-who. So we had a lot to live up to."


Libya bitch-slapped.

Nazi bovine overlords set to rule for 1000 years

Or at the very least claim a working majority at the next election.

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

Met to review policing methods once they've finished kicking the shit out of everyone

A review of public order policing ordered by the Metropolitan commissioner, Sir Paul Stephenson, will begin as soon as everyone has finished having the crap beaten out of them by police, he said today. The commissioner was speaking as concerns mounted over police handling of the G20 protests earlier this month. "G20 was a complex policing operation and it was not an easy job keeping public order while maintaining the lawful right of innocent police officers to get punters in the back of the van and giving them a right good kicking," he said. Sources at Scotland Yard say they hope to have given everybody a good going over by the middle of next week.

Monday, 13 April 2009

I fart in your general direction says Damian McBride to Tories

More unfounded smears revealed:

'Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.'

Thursday, 9 April 2009

Terror Blunder joy

Headline writers hit the jackpot yesterday with the news that senior counter-terrorism officer Bob Quick had inadvertently revealed details of a police investigation into terrorist suspects. The story gave newspapers the opportunity to use their two favourite words together, resulting in the gleefully assonant “Terror Blunder”.

"We were thrilled", said one editor "We experimented with “Copper comes a cropper” and “Gaffe at the Yard” but nothing was sounding right until we hit on “Terror Blunder”. It’s been a great day’s work."

Thursday, 2 April 2009

G20 leaders agree to smash the system

Leaders of the world's largest economies have reached an agreement to tackle the global financial crisis. Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced the package of measures which follows representations made over the last two days and includes the creation of self governing communes across the world and the burning of bankers. Mr Brown said: "We have listened carefully. This is the day that the world came together to smash the fucking system." French President Nicolas Sarkozy said that the conclusions of the G20 summit were "more than we could have hoped for. Eat ze fucking rich," he added.

Bullingdon Clubbers