Government to nationalise Al Fayed

The Chancellor, Alastair Darling, has announced that urgent legislation will be put before the House of Commons to place Mohammed Al Fayed into public ownership. Darling defended the government's actions, saying, "the taxpayer already faces potential costs of up to £100bn as a result of reckless and irresponsible inquiries into conspiracy theories involving Prince Phillip, Nazis and MI6."

Economists are concerned that no one knows the true extent of the worthless claims, which have been packaged and sold around the world in recent years. In his evidence before the 5th Annual Inquest Into The Deaths Of Princess Diana And Dodi, Mr Fayed - whose real name ends with 'Frankenstein' - accused not only Tony Blair and Jack Straw, but French intelligence agents and the CIA, indicating that the crisis is moving from the sub-prime minister sector to the wider world.

The Chancellor rejected claims that the government should not be in the Fayed business. "He's a clown and a buffoon, with more money than sense. What's your point?"

Al Fayed fury at inquest witness ruling

Lawyers for Mohamed Al Fayed have failed in a bid to summons a seven foot tall blood-drinking reptilian from the star system Alpha Draconis to court to give evidence at the inquest into the death of Al Fayed's son Dodi and Diana Princess of Wales. Speaking yesterday after acting deputy coroner Lord Justice Scott Baker refused the application Mr Al Fayed said, "I'm certain of what happened. I know they were murdered. I will not rest until we find the shapeshifting Royal Family lizards who took the life of these two innocent people."

Diana: Inquest jury to be shown unseen film

The jury at the inquest into the death of Diana, Princess of Wales is to be shown previously unseen footage of the crash which killed her. Mohammed Al-Fayed, father of Dodi Al-Fayed who was killed alongside Diana, says the film proves their deaths were no accident. It is thought that the film shows British secret service agents chatting with members of the Illuminati in the tunnel below the Pont de l'Alma moments before the crash while several Elders of Zion look on. After the crash Prince Charles and Prince Philip are seen goose stepping away from the scene in full Nazi uniform before transforming themselves into giant lizards. A preliminary hearing begins today in the High Court.