Brown reignites 'Britishness' debate

Gordon Brown today tried to put his difficult week behind him by announcing that moustaches are to be made compulsory for all British men. The move is a return to the regulations which made moustaches obligatory for soldiers in the 1860s, at which time the 'hirsute accessory' was credited with helping to build the British Empire. A spokesman for the Prime Minister confirmed this afternoon that Mr Brown's own moustache will be brushed and pomaded, trained with iron curling tongs and its follicles fertilised with unguents.