Shorter Comrade Milne

Weep for Ahmadinejad, who faces an attempted coup by telegenic ELITISTS, which is all Bush's fault. Or Obama. Whatever. Also, weep for Hezbollah.

Shorter Bea Campbell OBE

I'm rad, I'm sexy, I'm Marxist. So bow down to me, peasants.

Refugees flock to Guardian's Liberty Central

Thousands of persecuted contributors to the Guardian's Comment Is Free have set up a make-shift refugee camp outside the newspaper's offices in north London. Sheltering in tents and impromptu wooden structures at the camp known as 'Liberty Central,' the refugees are seeking out a mysterious prophet known to some as Po' Rterhe Nry and to others as He' Nrypo Rter. Refugees relate how they have heard people speak of this semi-mythical figure in illegal coffee shops of Hampstead and the underground drinking houses of Islington. "I have brought my family here from far, far away," says one refugee, pointing, "From beyond Muswell Hill. We have been forced to flee our homes because of serious concerns over data protection," he says in hushed tones. "Where else can we go?" Another adds: "The corrupt totalitarian apparatchik control freaks of nu-Labour forced us here. This is worse than the old East Germany. I heard they are collecting our DNA so they can clone us and line their own pockets with the profits." Later in the day a rumour sweeps the camp that the prophet Po' Rterhe Nry is to appear and release them from their oppressors in just a few days. But then an awful realisation takes hold. As one refugee puts it: "Smith's bootboys will never let him speak. Never in a million years."

Riots break out across India over quality of Guardian travel journalism

Full story.

Guardian's Comment is Free section found dead in bath

The death has been announced of the Guardian newspaper website Comment is Free. The site was discovered last night in the bath, a revolver and an empty gin bottle by its side. Although police have ruled out foul play, some former contributors to the site are suspicious. "I think you are naive if you believe the official line on this," said one man who posted regularly on the site. "I'd be very surprised if Tony Bliar and his war-mongering zionist friends were not directly behind this latest atrocity."

Guardian attacked, but probably the West's fault

A Bosnian Serb militia force attacked the Guardian's offices in Farringdon today, shelling the building and occupying the newsroom. The attack was in response to the shock omission in yesterday's edition of Britain's foremost liberal newspaper of a single article praising or defending Slobodan Milosevic, or downplaying the extent of the Srebrenica massacre.
The leader of the militia, Marco Klaric, said, "You let that Vladimir Putin do an article about democracy the other week. We will not rest until Ratko Mladic has a lifestyle column on Saturdays."
As the paper's male staff members were being led away to an uncertain fate, some columnists were heard to be calling for help from anyone - anyone - except NATO or the West, which would be illegal.