Oliver Onions Bulldozer

The Onions are on holiday. Meanwhile here is some light music.

Mix-up puts Blumenthal on the menu

The Fat Duck in Bray has admitted that it accidentally served its owner Heston Blumenthal to customers after a kitchen experiment went wrong. Blumenthal, famed for his scientific approach to cooking, was dished up as aerated foam to unsuspecting diners after he slipped and fell into a vacuum jar whilst cooking. The incident did not appear to affect his guests' attitude to the experience, however. One diner, John Keenan, a management consultant from London, said he was not put off eating at the restaurant. "I had mustard ice cream, and cauliflower with chocolate. To be honest I don't care what I eat there as long as it's all scientific and molecular," he said.

Hazel Blears saved from drowning in inch of water

There was widespread sadness last week after Hazel Blears, miniature candidate for Labour deputy leader, was saved from drowning in a one inch puddle by supporter Stephen Pound MP.

Grammar schools: Cameron in selection row

Tories across the country wish they had never selected David Cameron as leader, it has been revealed. With the Tory faithful threatening to abandon the party at the next election and front-benchers threatening to quit, Mr Cameron is under considerable pressure, but speaking on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme he indicated that he was unwilling to compromise. “I lead my party, I don’t give a crap what they want,” he said.

Spending increase boosts economy

Spending by credulous idiots has quadrupled over the last year, the treasury has revealed. The figures have been welcomed by the government: "The news that these gullible pricks will spend their money on any old rubbish is a real boost for the economy," a spokesperson said this afternoon.

Harry dismay at Iraq decision - Picture

Prince Harry was today pictured expressing his dismay at military chiefs' decision to reverse the decision to send him to Iraq.

Cameron's attempt to woo voters backfires

David Cameron thought swing voters could not fail to be impressed by the he-man photographs on his personal website. Instead the photos have spread across the internet like wildfire making the Conservative leader an international laughing stock. The site showed pictures of a semi-naked Mr Cameron displaying his rippling muscles while wearing a cowboy hat. In others he was pictured sitting on a motorbike, kickboxing and doing the splits. In an attempt to show he is a deep thinker, he wrote: "Unless we have the right leader in life we will forever crawl within the boundaries delimited by our own ignorance." The images have now been removed from the site and Conservative Central Office is refusing to comment.

All Four Types of Music - Part Two

Zimbabwe honoured

Zimbabwe was elected last week as head of the United Nations Commission on Sustainable Economic Development, with the amused support of member states from Africa and South America. Zimbabwe's ambassador to the UN, Boniface Chidyausiku, announced his country's proposals with a chuckle: "We know all about sustainable development! Inflation may be over 2,000%, but at the same time we've reduced our life expectancy to the lowest in the world, so it all pretty much evens out."
"Sure, we voted for Zimbabwe, why not?" said the delegate from Cuba. "You should have seen the faces of the Americans and the Brits! It was worth it just for that."

Missing girl: huge rewards on offer

Celebrities from the worlds of children's books, pop and football have been rewarded with millions of pounds worth of free publicity after contributing to a fund to help secure the release of missing toddler Madeleine McCann. Harry Potter author J K Rowling, Simon Cowell and Wayne Rooney are amongst those putting up the money. Simon Cowell, speaking today, said: "All of us are praying that this publicity will be released as soon as possible."

Blair: 10 Years Later

A new film reveals the reality of Tony Blair's Britain in the wake of the Prime Minister's announcement of his resignation. 10 Years Later shows a ravaged post-apocalyptic country laid waste by a decade of Blair. An epidemic of the "rage" virus has turned ordinary people into zombies. The few who remain uninfected flee to the protection of the US army as the undead rampage through a wasteland of higher living standards and improved public services.

London man still not given up on Winslet

A Londoner spoke this week about how he has retained his decade long hope of meeting and marrying film star Kate Winslet. David Burns says that although he is older now than when his obsession began over ten years ago, he feels he is still in with a chance with the married star. He is encouraged by recent developments, he says. "Since my divorce I've been writing to Kate more often than before," says the lawyer from his home in Camden. "By chance I discovered that her agent's office is near mine so I can pop round there most lunch times to leave presents for Kate. Little things, really. Things I've made." Burns, 41, has vowed never to give up on his dream. "When she sees the photographs I'm certain she'll give me a call," he adds.

Demand for war crimes action as Blair departs

There was a growing clamour today for the arrest of anyone still calling for Mr Blair to be tried for war crimes. As the prime minister announced the timetable for his departure from Downing Street, however, a spokesman for the International Criminal Court at the Hague said there are no plans for any future trials. "I'm afraid you will have to deal with these absurd sanctimonious fantasists all by yourself."

List of superfoods expands to include pork pies

Superfoods, packed with nutrients that have health-giving properties, can be exotic - alfa alfa, spirulina, brazil nuts and wheatgrass - or prosaic: broccoli, blueberries, beetroot. The latest addition to the list - pork pies - was announced by scientists yesterday. Researchers at the University of Leeds, who fed large quantities of pork pie to 60 men daily for eight weeks, showed it increased antioxidants in their blood, lowered cholesterol, and reduced blood pressure. They concluded, in the Journal of Clinical Nutrition: "The results support the theory that consumption of pork pie can be linked to a reduced risk of many diseases." The findings have been welcomed across the country. Phil Riordon, an accountant from Manchester said yesterday: "This is brilliant news. I've been eating nothing but buckwheat and acai fruit for years."

Brown's first cabinet to consist of self

It is widely expected that Gordon Brown will appoint himself to every cabinet post when he becomes Prime Minister in a few weeks time. The news comes after John Reid announced yesterday that he will depart the cabinet next month. The move clears the way for Mr Brown to announce a rejuvenated cabinet in which he will put himself in charge at the Home Office, the Treasury and the Foreign office as well as taking the top jobs at the key departments of education, health and defence.

Mourinho cries foul after Champions League defeat

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has lodged an official complaint over the antics of Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez during Tuesday's Champions League semi-final game at Anfield. "He was levitating all through extra time, putting my players off their game," Mourinho said yesterday. "We are complaining about this to the FA and also about the unfair treatment Chelsea get in every match now," he added. "The referee should never have given those last five penalties against us."

Chapeau

Tensions mount as contest approaches

The World Beard & Moustache Championship will be held in Brighton on 1 September 2007 and will feature many international teams including from Germany, the USA and the UK.

MI5 intelligence failures revealed

Journalists today unanimously criticised MI5 for its failure to be as clever as them. The criticism comes after the conviction yesterday of five terrorists over the foiled fertiliser bomb plot. However newspapers are demanding a better standard of counter-terrorism after journalists identified preventable errors during the investigation which resulted in security services letting the July 7 bombers slip through their fingers. MI5 responded today by agreeing to consult newspaper security correspondents before any future terrorist investigation.