Chaos as terror returns to London

After this morning's foiled bomb attack in London the already muddled thinking of former Ambassador and prominent government critic Craig Murray was today utterly chaotic. A police spokesman said this afternoon that Murray's thinking is not expected to return to normal.

Museum settles dinosaur dispute

Scientists who have long claimed that dinosaurs were extinct at least sixty million years before mankind walked the earth have been forced back to the drawing board after a newly opened museum successfully challenged their theories. The Creation Museum in Cincinnati, which opened its doors last month, has discredited conventional scientific thought by showing how God created the world - including dinosaurs - as recently as six thousand years ago. Leading paleontologist, Professor Paul Sereno, admits he has had to make an embarrassing climbdown. "I have been impressed by the evidence I have been shown," he says. "We now think it most likely that dinosaurs co-existed with man and indeed lived in the Garden of Eden. We are now also pretty certain that dinosaurs were on board Noah's Ark too, but only the little tiny baby ones."

Gordon Brown's first speech as PM

Audio here.

How ten years in power has aged Blair

Author identifies origins of clash of civilizations, simultaneously redefines irony

Historians, politicians and philosophers are this morning attempting to absorb the significance of Tony Parsons' pronouncements on the Rushdie affair. Deconstructionist Professor Jack Moynihan said, "This is important work by an important thinker. Not only does Parsons identify The Satanic Verses as the 'opening shot' in the events that led to 9/11 and 7/7, he takes irony to undreamed of levels by criticising Rushdie's literary merit. There are so many layers to this it could take decades to unravel."

Bob Dylan plays Isle of Wight

Oh God said to Abraham, "Kill me a son"
Abe says, "Man, you must be puttin' me on"
God say, "No." Abe say, "What?"
God say, "You can do what you want Abe, but
The next time you see me comin' you better run"
Well Abe says, "Where do you want this killin' done?"
God says, "Out on Highway 61."

Bob Dylan and The Band, Isle of Wight, 31 August 1969

No exemption for British gays

The Westboro Baptist Church, which claims that God hates both homosexuals and, for 'selling her soul to sodomites', America, has confirmed that there is to be no exemption from God's wrath for UK gays. "We have received certain representations from the British homosexual community, but after due consideration we have taken the view that British fags are a raunchy little group of pagans, bastards, eunuchs, and insurgents and God hates them all and the whole of the UK too," a spokesman for the WBC said yesterday. "Now if you'll excuse me I have to go and picket my own bedroom," he added.

Queen in shock Rushdie beheading

The furore surrounding the knighthood awarded to Salman Rushdie took a shocking turn today at an early private investiture at Buckingham Palace. Stung by criticisms at home and abroad that the award was insensitive to Muslims, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II decided to take matters into her own hands and restore Britain's honour.
With Rushdie kneeling on the knighting-stool in front of the Queen, equerries and ladies-in-waiting watched stunned as Her Majesty sliced Rushdie's head off his shoulders with her ceremonial sword, screaming, "God is great! Death to apostates!" The Queen then ordered a video of the execution to be sent to Al Jazeera.
Pakistan's Religious Affairs minister, who previously warned of suicide bombings following the award, said in response to the execution, "A woman beheading an apostate? Blasphemy! Boy, are you going to be sorry now."

Lib Dems furious at Brown's "dirty tricks"

Senior Lib Dems have angrily denounced Gordon Brown's recent overtures to leading members of their party. Paddy Ashdown has confirmed that Brown offered him a seat in the Cabinet as Northern Ireland Secretary.
A spokesman for Menzies Campbell, the Lib Dem leader, said today, "It is outrageous that Gordon Brown should try to trick us into joining the government. It was touch and go after the Scottish Parliament elections, but we avoided a coalition there, and we're damn well going to avoid doing anything of consequence here as well. "

Agent Provocateur marketing department rejects MBE

The marketing department of lingerie firm Agent Provocateur yesterday refused to accept an MBE from "morally corrupt" prime minister Tony Blair. A spokesman said the refusal was in protest at the torture of children in Iraq and Afghanistan and the erosion of hard-fought civil liberties including the right to publicity. "May I take the opportunity to announce that all whips and peep-hole bras are three-for-the-price-of-two, this week only," he added.

Lawyer couple's row prolonged by drawn out cross-examination

An argument between married lawyers has continued longer than expected whilst each of them takes turns to cross-examine the other in meticulous detail. The row between Islington residents Sean and Daphne Richards, both 39, was originally over a lost pair of car keys and was scheduled to last a week but has now been running for more than three years.

Tributes paid to offensive comedian

Truth Campaigners are this afternoon paying tribute to Michael Moore who, moments after casting doubt on the official version of the events of 9/11, was sadly declared still alive, aged 53.

In other news, an idiot defends Bernard Manning.

Breaking News: False Leg Desk

False legs still funny. Full story.

Update.

Cameron's Royal connection played down

The Royal Family today moved to distance itself from David Cameron after newspaper revelations that the Conservative Party leader is a direct descendant of Charles II. Cameron is also William IV's great-great-great-great-great grandson, which makes him fifth cousin, twice removed, of the Queen, but a spokesman for the Royal Family played down the aristocratic connection. "The Royals are a hardworking family, doing their best for the ordinary people of Britain." he said. "They have no desire whatsoever to be associated with this unctuous little toff," he added.

Botham knighted for services to highlighted mullet industry

Hain in last ditch appeal for votes

Peter Hain has attempted to shore up his faltering campaign for the deputy leadership of the Labour Party by appealing to grassroots voters. In a speech today to the National Sunbed Association he outlined his vision. "I passionately believe that we need to reach out to the people who share our values, but who are no longer turning to Labour. I say this to anyone who has ever laid themselves down beneath a sunbed, to anyone who has ever opened a bottle of tanning lotion, to anyone who has ever bronzed themselves beneath the blazing cadmium sun of the Eastern Veld: join me. Vote Hain for an all over golden future."

"Do you have any light reading?"

Several sharp-eyed investigators have uncovered a disturbing clue embedded in the new 2012 Olympics logo which suggests that the Jews are planning to open a new front in their ceaseless quest to take over the world: sports.

David Morris, part-time director of the previously defunct Sports Sub-Division of the Committee of the Elders of Zion, said, "Let's face it, we've been nowhere since the infiltration of Agent Spitz into the 1972 Olympics.

"I just don't know whether we've got the talent to pull it off," he added, "but with Agents Spielberg and Streisand on board, at least we'll put on one hell of an opening show."

All Four Types of Music - Part Three

'Merda' hoax divides art world

The Italian artist Piero Manzoni put his excrement into tin cans in the early 1960s and offered it as art, saying that he was exposing "the gullibility of the art-buying public". The revelation that the cans are in fact filled with plaster is fiercely dividing the art world. "Modern art is shit," says Eileen Marley, arch critic of the modern art movement. But modern art collector Jack Warner disagrees. "Modern art is not shit," he counters.

French Open - Controversy over Serb finalist

Political commentator Neil Clark has come under fire from porn surfers for adding gratuitous political comment to a graphic upskirt photograph of Serbian tennis player Ana Ivanovic who reached the final of the French Open this week. One unnamed onanist said today: "It's disgusting. I was quite happily browsing the internet when suddenly I came across this unpleasant apologism for Slobodan Milosevic. It really put me off."

Galloway dismisses new "smear"

George Galloway last night criticised a Charity Commission report which says that the Respect MP's campaign against Iraq sanctions was bankrolled using aid diverted by Saddam Hussein’s regime and that the MP may have known about the illicit funding. "It's a complete and utter lie," said the politician's spokesman. "George treats the commission with contempt. This is just another smear campaign designed purely to prompt the publication of stupid photographs," he said.

Celebration of Sgt. Pepper anniversary set to continue

Sir Paul McCartney today revealed plans for the golden anniversary celebration of the release of Beatles album Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. The event, provisionally entitled It Was Fifty Years Ago Today, is scheduled for June 1st 2017.

God still pondering response in Hitchens debate

There was frustration in religious circles this week as God failed to respond to provocative claims made by writer Christopher Hitchens. In his book God is Not Great: Why Religion Poisons Everything, Hitchens writes that Religion is “violent, irrational, intolerant, allied to racism and tribalism and bigotry, invested in ignorance and hostile to free inquiry," but so far God has declined to answer the charges, to the bewilderment of some of His followers. "The same thing happened with Dawkins," said one London churchgoer yesterday. "Why doesn't He strike these people down instead of all this maintaining a dignified silence bullshit?" God was last night unavailable for comment.

New evidence reveals truth about John Lennon murder

Startling evidence has emerged which proves that Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan arranged for the assassination of former Beatle John Lennon in 1980, and that the murderer was not Mark Chapman but someone altogether more surprising.

Delight as Olympics logo unveiled

The logo for the 2012 London Olympics, unveiled yesterday, has brought delight and relief to thousands of sneerers across the country. Stephen Bayley, founder of the Design Museum, said "I am absolutely thrilled. I opposed the Olympics coming to Britain in the first place, and so I was deeply disappointed when London were awarded the games, but this logo is a superb opportunity to show what a preposterous self important snob I really am."