Twins reunited after 40 years apart

Story.

Gordon Brown looking to improve opinion poll ratings in New Year

This might be his best bet.

AC/DC: Rock And Roll Ain't Noise Pollution

Art School graduates Blur take time out from guest editing the Today programme and making cheese to play some rock and roll.

Happy Christmas from the boys

New row over deportation of foreign nationals

There was outrage this morning after it emerged that foreign nationals cannot be deported for idiocy. John Pilger is Australian.

Christmas put back to June as Brown orders new review

Downing Street today launched a review into Christmas with the effect that Christmas Day has been postponed for at least six months and will fall in June 2008 at the earliest. The move is further evidence of the Prime Minister's determination to distance himself from Blairite policy and comes after the previously announced reviews into the relaxation of gambling and drinking laws. The conservative party this morning responded by calling Mr Brown increasingly weak and indecisive. "This is a million miles away from the decisive leadership he promised," said a spokesman.

Putin suggests new "Politics Czar" role

Vladimir Putin has proposed creating a new "Politics Czar" government position, which he could move on to fill when his Russian presidential term ends in March. The holder of the new post – which Putin suggests could carry the formal title "Czar of all the Russias" – would be responsible for ensuring autocratic rule, encouraging pogroms against minorities, and reinstituting serfdom for the poorest third of the population. Time Magazine named Putin "Person of the Year" for 2007 because Al Gore was not despotic enough, although third-placed JK Rowling was briefly considered.

Magna Carta to replace US Constitution

A US businessman has bought a rare copy of the Magna Carta, and plans to donate it to his government as a replacement for the missing Constitution. David Rubenstein paid £10.6mn in an auction at Sotheby's in New York for the 800-year old document, which will now be kept in the same display case as the original Constitution, last seen being taken by vice-president Dick Cheney into his private washroom nearly three years ago. White House spokesperson Dana Perino says that president George Bush is unhappy at the limits the Magna Carta puts on his office, and plans to challenge attempts by Baron Henry de Bohun of Hereford, Baron Eustace de Vesci, Lord of Alnwick, and the ACLU, to make him renounce kingly prerogatives, respect the right of habeas corpus, and accept that his will could be bound by the law.

Porter hits back at Toynbee in civil liberties row

'Does Magna Carta mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain?'

"People's Politics" reveals People to be idiots

Nick Clegg's announcement that he will create a nationwide panel of families to advise him on the issues of concern to them has led to some radical rethinking of Liberal Democrat policies. Early polling suggests the key issues of concern to ordinary families across Britain include the unavailability of Nintendo DS in time for Christmas; the treatment of X-Factor's Rhydian and the proliferation of parent and child parking spaces in Asda's car park. Proportional representation and the future of Kosovo were not thought to feature in the top ten.

Amnesty International shocked by latest human rights atrocity in Iran

Story here.

New imperialist aggression hits festive season

Full story.

Knock off gear provides nice little earner for Queen

The Queen has her own lockup, it was revealed this week, as Customs & Excise admitted that smuggled goods, fags and drugs had been nicked from the depot - officially titled "The Queen's Warehouse". The Queen and a sheepskin coat-wearing Prince Philip are thought to make regular trips to the lockup, usually in a yellow three-wheeled Robin Reliant. A spokesman for the Royal family refused to comment on claims that Prince Philip was indeed "a plonker".

Festive Top Ten - Results in

Here.

Italian flies in to save English football

Dante Alighieri is expected to be named England football manager this weekend after fruitful talks with the FA. Speaking today a spokesman for Dante said that the new manager's first job would be to purge the lustful, the gluttonous, the avaricious, the violent, the dishonest and the slothful from the team. England team captain John Terry was tonight reported to be lying in the freezing mud of the Third Circle of Hell guarded by the monstrous three-headed dog Cerberus.

The mighty Led Zeppelin reunite

Exclusive bootleg footage of last night's concert here.

White House latest victim of subprime crisis

The US government's executive branch was without offices on Monday, after the Providence Lending Corporation repossessed the White House because of late mortgage repayments. Surrounded by document boxes and fax machines on the pavement of Pennsylvania Avenue, President George Bush vowed to introduce legislation in Congress granting financial relief to casualties of the subprime mortgage crisis, or to borrow some money off of Canada or Mexico. The president then asked if anyone knew where the nearest Starbucks was, and if his laptop computer would get "free internets".

English National Ballet latest production

Details.

Ofsted demand higher standards in poetry teaching

Full story.

Oil consumers disappointed by Opec decision

Opec has decided to keep oil output levels stable this winter, despite calls for more production from leading consumer advocate Lord Humungus of the Wasteland. "Leave the oil tanker. Just walk away, and I'll spare your lives," Lord Humungus told Opec ministers, who have largely been confined to a small compound by Mohican-sporting consumer groups on motorbikes. Opec may review its decision in February, although former police officer Mad Max has agreed to find a more immediate solution to the impasse in exchange for a cannister of gasoline.

Man missing for years to be quizzed by cops

A mystery man who disappeared without trace for ten years is to be interviewed by police. Gordon Brown, a 56-year-old father of two, went missing between 1997 and 2007 whenever waters got choppy and now claims to have no memory of what happened or where he was during the past decade. A family member, speaking to reporters today, said: "Gordon remembers nothing at all about that time. He particularly doesn't remember anything whatsoever about illegal donations of £650,000."

Food: the silent killer

A group of researchers issued a warning yesterday that ingestion of a commonly-found substance can dramatically increase the chances of dying. The substance, known as "food", can be found in many shops and homes in Britain and around the world, although it is rarer in parts of Africa. A survey of a number of people in a place showed that 84% of those who ate food suffered ill health at some point over a subsequent period, with 21% of them showing a marked increase in the incidence of cancer, heart disease and other ailments. Dr Marion Chung, co-author of the report, said, "This report should be a wake-up call to those people who have been eating food on a regular basis without paying attention to the consequences. If they continue eating, although it may keep them going in the short term, in the long run they will die."

Thinking Satanists reject Neo-Nazis

Can a Jew ever become a Satanist? Find out here.