As a state summit takes place between their two countries, French president Nicolas Sarkozy and UK prime minister Gordon Brown both admit that they are happy to spend time with a foreign politician who is less popular than themselves. Sarkozy, who has drawn flak at home for his perceived lack of dignity in the office of president after marrying former fashion model Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, has been looking forward to appearing side-by-side with the UK prime minister. Brown, whose Labour government has struggled in opinion polls since he took over from Tony Blair, has similarly been enjoying appearing statesmanlike next to a man that the French media has dubbed "Président Bling-Bling". "Thank God I'm not in his position," read a joint communiqué today.
The revelation that bored US passport officials looked at the passport details of the Presidential candidates was greeted with huge relief today.
News editors, struggling to fill bulletins with their seasonal standbys "Thousands head for the sun as cold snap hits UK" and "Easter getaway causes travel chaos", were delighted by the story which, although completely boring, gave the impression of being news.
Republican presidential candidate John McCain has promised massive and disproportionate revenge against anyone who accuses him of being a hothead. "I will follow [them] to the gates of hell and I will shoot [them]," the Arizona senator vowed. McCain has drawn fire before for his volcanic temperament, for using obscene swear words at fellow lawmakers on several occasions, and for joking about bombing Iran. But the senator insists the criticisms are overdone, and pledges to kick the shit out of any of the "fucking jerks" who repeat them. "Fuck you," he added. McCain is currently on a tour of the Middle East to show off his statesmanlike credentials.
"We are absolutely fucked," said US Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today, after the United States' 5th largest investment bank, Bear Stearns, was bought by JP Morgan for two chocolate cupcakes and some sprinkles, interest rates were slashed again, the dollar plunged and panic spread through financial markets worldwide. "You have no idea," Bernanke added, "how fucked we are. I'm fucked, you're fucked, we're all fucked. No-one knows what kind of shit they've bought, or sold, or have been landed with. Fuck this. You want rate cuts? YOU WANT RATE CUTS?! I'LL GIVE YOU FUCKING RATE CUTS!"
"It's 3am and your cows are asleep," the voice over says. "There's a phone in the White House, and it's ringing. Something is happening in the world. Your vote will decide who milks the cows."
School pupils should "kneel before Zod" to encourage feelings of belonging and citizenship, recently retired attorney general Lex Luthor told the BBC's Today programme. Bowing before the exiled Kryptonian supervillain would foster a sense of communal pride and citizenship, says Luthor. Critics say that General Zod is a poor symbol on which to base a national unity drive. "As an unelected alien overlord with superpowers, Zod does not represent the experience of the majority of UK citizens," says Labour peer Baroness Kennedy. But Luthor believes that Zod — who has been a merciless oppressor since being accidentally freed from his deep-space Phantom Zone prison — can be a unifying force in UK national life. "I mean, it's no less ridiculous than pledging allegiance to a hereditary monarch from a German background."
President George Bush, giving his endorsement to Republican presidential nominee John McCain today, said that he is looking forward to having him help out around the White House over the next four years. "John, you've fought a good campaign," the president told the Arizona senator. "Together, we can continue to serve this great nation of ours." McCain tried to speak several times at the press conference on the White House lawn, but reporters were distracted by the president handing out "Bush-McCain in '08" badges. "Four more years!" Bush added.
