London Mayor latest: Boris Johnson core vote out in force

Austria hires consultant to restore battered reputation

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Hannah Montana photos provoke outrage

Vanity Fair's decision to publish outrageously revealing photos of 15 year old Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus has outraged British newspapers. Full story (complete with outrageous photos) here, here, here and here.

Man advertises for pals

A lonely father of two has put an advert in his local post office window asking for someone with similar interests or background to accompany him twice a week for a couple of hours. Gordon Brown, a 57 year old retired socialist, has not been inundated with offers so far.

Liz Hurley wears dress

Liz Hurley last night wore a dress - more than a decade after she attended the premiere of Four Weddings And A Funeral wearing THAT Dress designed by Gianni Versace. Versace later died from THAT Gaping Shotgun Wound To The Back Of The Head.

Jazzman alights at Mornington Crescent

Sylvester Stallone cryonically frozen in case Wesley Snipes escapes

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London Mayor election: Boris Johnson to set up fund to help disadvantaged youngsters

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Ghoulish Clinton wins big in Transylvania

(from unbiased US media reports) Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign continues to cling unnaturally onto life after scoring a major political victory in the key undead state of Transylvania, according to a cross-section of unbiased US media reports. An army of zombie voters was called from its unholy sleep to deliver a 10-point margin of victory for the New York senator, reported CNBC's Chris Matthews, leaving Barack Obama unable to deliver a heroic knock-out blow in the race for the Democratic party presidential nomination. "Far from putting a stake through her cold, inhuman heart, the spirits of the damned have given the Clinton campaign a new lease on unlife," complained a New York Times editorial. "Why won't she die?" wailed Democratic party chairman Howard Dean, while putting garlic round the windows of the Denver arena where the party national convention will be held in August. The large victory margin was confirmed by Sesame Street's Count von Count, who read out the vote tallies one-by-one.

George Galloway in assault complaint

Londoners are today complaining that George Galloway's assault on political integrity, judgement and truth is set to continue when he stands for election to the London Assembly on 1st May.

Schmucks for Tibet hold rally

Via.

High spirits blamed for Princes' latest night out

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Obama denies dandruff problem

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Jay-Z

Octopus plans for world domination further advanced than thought

Sex.

Food.

Betjeman's Pattie Boyd dies

Miss Joan Hunter Dunn dies aged 92.

Obituary

George W Bush extends warm welcome to Gordon Brown at the White House

No.10 blames 'poisonous' briefings as woes mount up

Downing Street has moved swiftly to dismiss speculation about a possible leadership challenge, blaming the prime minister's current problems on vicious briefings emanating from embittered former chancellor Gordon Brown. Brown is said to nurse a grudge against himself after he failed to honour a deal made several years ago, the details of which are long-forgotten in the internecine feuding of New Labour. A defiant Gordon Brown yesterday insisted he would not hound himself out of Downing Street.

Minister realises he's not a Labour supporter - but takes the cash anyway

Digby Jones – former CBI chief - revealed his utter confusion today as he confessed that he needed to stand down from Government before the next election because he did not want to align himself politically with Gordon Brown.

Lord Jones of Birmingham, as he is now known, appears to have taken the job of Trade Minister in the Brown government out of vanity, forgetting that he had absolutely no common cause with the Labour project, opposed the establishment of the minimum wage, was dismissive of the value of public sector workers and was sceptical about Britain’s membership of the EU.

Lord Jones has a history of this sort of behaviour. His agreement to appear on Desert Island Discs despite demonstrating absolutely no knowledge of or interest in music left the listening public aghast. His choices, which included Tina Turner’s Simply The Best (“Because when I was at KPMG we were ‘Simply The Best’”) and Bryan Adams’ (Everything I do) I Do It For You (“Because everything I do, I do for my wife”) were thought to be among the worst ever featured.
Lord Jones is frequently described as an industry leader although the industry in question is not clear.

Travel guide insists contributor did visit 'Lonely Planet'

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy editor Zarniwoop insists that long-time contributor Ford Prefect did visit Earth, and that his entry on the subject was not made up. Earth, a lonely planet orbiting a small, unregarded yellow Sun in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the galaxy, is described as "mostly harmless" in the latest edition of the popular interstellar travel guide, leading to accusations that the contributor could not be arsed. "He actually wrote loads of stuff about going to South America, dealing drugs and having casual sex in restaurants," Zarniwoop said. "But we edited it down to just two words because travel writers are tedious types, and it was just more plausible." Asked about any future career Prefect has with the Hitchhiker's Guide, Zarniwoop simply commented "Ford's just this guy, you know."

Italy votes! Again!

Italians queued yesterday and today to vote in the country's latest general election, which will decide Italy's parliament and prime minister. The new government will be the country's 62nd in 63 years. To save time, voters are permitted to vote for the next three governments all in one go, which will cover the period up to May 2011. Election officials claimed that the move would bring much-needed political stability, and allow Italy's 158 political parties to plan their vote-buying in advance. The centre-left candidate and former mayor of Rome, Walter Veltroni, said today he was confident of victory, although opinion polls put his challenger, Silvio Berlusconi, ahead. Berlusconi, former prime minister, leader of the centre-right coalition and Italy's richest buffoon, responded by lighting one of his own farts.

Dangerous cake trade driven underground

Battenburg cake is to be declared illegal, it was announced today. Distraught pensioners were seen stockpiling the marzipanned favourite amid fears that the trade in the product will be driven underground. Already London's criminal gangs are thought to be moving in to control supply of the substance with drugs warlord Mr Kipling at the centre of the trade.

Argument to Beethoven's 5th

Olympic Torch relay a great success - official

People along the Torch Relay route have extended the flame a warm welcome and the relay is proceeding successfully as planned.......more than one thousand Londoners from all walks of life participated in the launching ceremony of the London leg of the Torch Relay. London artists gave brilliant performances amid snow; passionate crowds lined the relay route.....Local people in London strongly opposed the attempt to sabotage the Torch Relay. And the behavior of "pro-Tibet independence" activists has aroused resentment and received condemnation in London.

Press release on the worldwide Beijing Olympic Torch Relay.

Day by day and almost minute by minute the past was brought up to date. In this way every prediction made by the Party could be shown by documentary evidence to have been correct; nor was any item of news, or any expression of opinion, which conflicted with the needs of the moment, ever allowed to remain on record. All history was a palimpsest, scraped clean and reinscribed exactly as often as was necessary.

George Orwell, 1984

Diana inquest verdict: murdered by Prince Philip*

The inquest into the death of Princess Diana has delivered the widely-anticipated verdict that a pregnant Princess Diana and her fiance Dodi Fayed were murdered by MI6 under the instructions of Prince Philip. The jury found that the Royal Family, incensed by the prospect of a Muslim stepfather to the future King of Great Britain, instructed MI6 to assassinate the couple. MI6 carried out the murder, utilising a strobe light in the Alma Tunnel in Paris, with a secret agent driving a white Fiat Uno into the couple's Mercedes limousine. Police said they would now arrest Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip and other senior members of the Royal Family and charge them with murder. Until the extent of the knowledge of the Royal conspiracy can be known, a Regent will be appointed as Head of State. MI6 will be disbanded and the entire Government will be arrested.

*Of course not. You idiots.

Farce as flame extinguished

There were farcical scenes today as the century old flame of working class representation was finally extinguished. Speaking to Labour leader Gordon Brown about the rise in income tax for five million low-paid workers, former leader Keir Hardie was quoted as saying: "Ah cannae be arsed wi' this, git oot o' ma face ya wee bawbag".

Shock revelation over Clinton campaign co-ordinator

Commentators have been shocked to discover that Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign had a co-ordinator, after Mark Penn resigned from the role over the weekend. Penn, a freelance political strategist who has apparently been advising the Clintons since the 1990s, stepped down after it was revealed he had met the Colombian ambassador to discuss a free-trade pact that Clinton opposes. "Wow," said visibly surprised New York Times political reporter John Broder. "You mean all that lurching from crisis to crisis, and ceding a seemingly unassailable lead in the polls to Obama was planned?" "You know, you see a campaign reacting to headlines and making gaffe after gaffe without any semblance of purpose," added Wall Street Journal reporter Jackie Calmes. "I guess I was just unaware it was co-ordinated at all." Penn refused to comment on the resignation, but said that his next venture will be co-ordinating alcoholic drinking strategies at US breweries.

Look on my Works ye Mighty, and despair!

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America fought them on the beaches, apparently

Contrary to popular belief, it emerged today that America was in fact entirely responsible for the D Day Landings in 1944 which led to the liberation of France and ultimately, the beginning of the end of World War Two.

This new fact emerged from from Al Gore's Alliance for Climate Protection which broadcast a stirring advert, intended for US consumption, citing the single-handed storming of the Normandy beaches as evidence of American leadership.

The advert's vigorous approach to history continues with the claim that America led the world on civil rights - again surprising given America's history of segregation and Dr Martin Luther King's long and arduous campaign to win equal rights for black Americans.

The ad, narrated by noted historian William H Macy, goes on to suggest that it is in fact America which is leading the charge on tackling climate charge - a daring challenge to the commonly held belief that the rest of the world has been waiting for America to commit to the Kyoto requirements on climate change since 1997.

Churchill and Martin Luther King were both reported to be nonplussed at these startling claims. "The moon landings I'll give them. But the Normandy beaches? Fuck that" said Churchill today.

Embarrassment as Livingstone's secret family expands

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London Mayor election: Boris Johnson unveils campaign team

Mosley faces criticism over 'Nazi' claim

"The trouble with you, Spode, is that just because you have succeeded in inducing a handful of half-wits to disfigure the London scene by going about in black shorts, you think you're someone. You hear them shouting "Heil, Spode!" and you imagine it is the Voice of the People. That is where you make your bloomer.

What the Voice of the People is saying is: 'Look at that frightful ass Spode swanking about in footer bags! Did you ever in your puff see such a perfect perisher?' "

Bertie Wooster to Roderick Spode, The Code of the Woosters, P. G. Wodehouse

McCain calls on Obama, Clinton to concede bitter election contest

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain is calling for Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton to heal the divisions within their party and the country by stepping down in their bids to secure the Democratic nomination. "A once-proud Democratic party is demeaning itself through this protracted and bitter nomination process," McCain told reporters on the campaign trail in Florida. "For the sake of dignity in politics and unity throughout our great nation, Barack and Hillary should do the decent thing and concede the race." McCain added that he would rather stand unopposed in the November run-off than see further division damage the Democrats' election chances.

Zimbabwe election latest: Mugabe core vote out in force

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