Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand were today suspended by the BBC after a string of newspapers led calls to axe the duo. The pair provoked criticism after they left a series of messages on the answerphone of comedy actor Andrew Sachs making crude references to Sachs' granddaughter, Georgina Baillie. Indignant newspapers, anxious that readers should have a thorough understanding of the story, printed pictures of Baillie, a burlesque dancer, here, here, here, and here.
Monday, 27 October 2008
Trailing by large margins in US national polls, Republicans are hoping for the miraculous return of a presidential candidate known to them as "John Frum" McCain. Activists say Frum-McCain, who bears striking similarities to saviour figures in 20th century Pacific Island cargo cults, will return one day bringing winning vote margins and financial aid. "John Frum 'im go come wi' lotsa cargo," says North Carolina Republican party chairman Linda Daves. Frum-McCain supporters are known for fanaticism, often scarring their faces, or spending huge amounts of money on ceremonial vestments to prove their devotion. Critics say there have been very few sightings of John Frum-McCain in states the Republicans need to win, and that party officials are being unrealistic about their election hopes. But avid Republicans refuse to accept the evidence of the polls. "'E tall man. 'E live 'long South America," says Daves.
Sunday, 26 October 2008
Friday, 24 October 2008
Thursday, 23 October 2008
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
Monday, 20 October 2008
Thursday, 16 October 2008
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Tuesday, 14 October 2008
Saturday, 11 October 2008
Friday, 10 October 2008
- Eleventy hundred billion pounds/dollars/whatever injected into/exchanged for/given away or something. More cash to follow.
- Iceland to be abolished (shop as well as country, to make absolutely sure).
- Scotland to be banned from having banks.
- Credit default swaps to be converted into credit default squirrels, in the hope they take all the toxic debt and bury it in flowerbeds. Collateralised debt obligations to become collateralised debt orangutans, so that Indonesia can deal with the problem.
- Banks to institute "once you give you can't give back" rule to ease lending.
- Dow Jones, FTSE, Nikkei, etc to be recalibrated, so that fewer points are better, and 1 is now best.
- Co-ordinated worldwide reduction of 75.5% in the number of people who know where the fuck all this is going to end up.
Wednesday, 8 October 2008
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
Monday, 6 October 2008
Saturday, 4 October 2008
Following the outpouring of public affection that has followed Peter Mandelson's return to the Cabinet, Gordon Brown has pledged to make a series of new appointments to the Cabinet based purely on levels of popularity with the public. Among those reported to be in the running for a Cabinet post are Neil and Christine Hamilton, Abu Hamza, the Sinclair C5 and the entire cast of the early 90s BBC soap Eldorado.
Friday, 3 October 2008
From: Minister of the Treasury Paulson
Subject: REQUEST FOR URGENT CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP
I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.
I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.
I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.
This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.
Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to firstname.lastname@example.org so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.
Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson
Via real time economics