Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Conservatives up plus fours as Osborne denies new twat allegations

For information purposes only

Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand were today suspended by the BBC after a string of newspapers led calls to axe the duo. The pair provoked criticism after they left a series of messages on the answerphone of comedy actor Andrew Sachs making crude references to Sachs' granddaughter, Georgina Baillie. Indignant newspapers, anxious that readers should have a thorough understanding of the story, printed pictures of Baillie, a burlesque dancer, here, here, here, and here.

Monday, 27 October 2008

Republicans put faith in "John Frum" McCain

Trailing by large margins in US national polls, Republicans are hoping for the miraculous return of a presidential candidate known to them as "John Frum" McCain. Activists say Frum-McCain, who bears striking similarities to saviour figures in 20th century Pacific Island cargo cults, will return one day bringing winning vote margins and financial aid. "John Frum 'im go come wi' lotsa cargo," says North Carolina Republican party chairman Linda Daves. Frum-McCain supporters are known for fanaticism, often scarring their faces, or spending huge amounts of money on ceremonial vestments to prove their devotion. Critics say there have been very few sightings of John Frum-McCain in states the Republicans need to win, and that party officials are being unrealistic about their election hopes. But avid Republicans refuse to accept the evidence of the polls. "'E tall man. 'E live 'long South America," says Daves.

Sunday, 26 October 2008

Public anger as posh person breaks posh people's rules

There was widespread fury today as new details of the so-called "poshgate" affair emerged. Receptionist, Monica Richards, 35, is one member of the public who says she is appalled by recent events. "I am absolutely disgusted by this whole business. These posh people just can't go repeating conversations they've had on their billionaire host's yacht to the press. It's a serious error of judgment. All my friends agree it's a crass miscalculation," she said this morning. The mother of two added, conspiratorially: "Not really blue blooded, apparently. Dreadful manners." The aristocracy was tonight unavailable for comment.

Friday, 24 October 2008

George Osborne: Unanswered questions remain

The Electoral Commission was today urged to launch an investigation into allegations that George Osborne's jowls were illegally obtained. The jowls, whose stellar rise through the ranks of the party culminated in their appointment as shadow chancellor at just 33, have become noticeably plumper in recent weeks, prompting a whispering campaign on the Tory backbenches. The intervention came after an MP said he would be asking parliament's standards watchdog to rule on whether Osborne should have declared his unusually high level of self-satisfied hauteur in the Commons register of members' interests.

George Osborne finds time to relax amid media frenzy

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Polish workers leaving in droves - report

Officials believe that as many as half of the workers who flooded into the UK from Poland have stopped reading the Daily Mail. Figures show that thousands of Poles who came to Britain seeking a better life have now abandoned the paper. Ewelina Marszazeb, 24, left Poland last year to work in London. "At first it was really easy reading the Mail. It was great reading articles to my family back home. Things are a lot tougher now and I've realised it's a deeply reactionary piece of horse manure," she says. "I'm returning to the Times," she adds, sadly.

Tories hastily withdraw new party political broadcast

The boy stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled

1. George Osborne

(God bless you Spike.)

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Taxpayer handed control of bank, hopes to start Monday

Taxpayer Phil Reeves says he is perplexed after he was yesterday handed control of one of Britain's biggest banks. The builder and decorator, who lives in Hornsey, says the news came out of the blue. "I just got a call from some guy at the Treasury, who said 'We've got a problem with HBOS, can you start next week?' " Reeves, 37, hopes to get the job started on Monday. "I've got a little job going in Crouch End which should finish this week, and I'll pop over to the bank Friday afternoon to have a look at it. I'm going to take my mate Mike with me - he's a plasterer really but he does all my money things for me, invoices and everything. We'll start work first thing Monday morning, Tuesday at the latest." The FTSE 100 rose sharply at the news before falling back.

Bill Clinton campaigns hard for Obama


Saturday, 11 October 2008

Friday, 10 October 2008

Brazil: Penguins deny being washed up, hope to release new album early next year

Full story.

Global financial meltdown update

New details of bank rescue emerge:

  • Eleventy hundred billion pounds/dollars/whatever injected into/exchanged for/given away or something. More cash to follow.

  • Iceland to be abolished (shop as well as country, to make absolutely sure).

  • Scotland to be banned from having banks.

  • Credit default swaps to be converted into credit default squirrels, in the hope they take all the toxic debt and bury it in flowerbeds. Collateralised debt obligations to become collateralised debt orangutans, so that Indonesia can deal with the problem.

  • Banks to institute "once you give you can't give back" rule to ease lending.

  • Dow Jones, FTSE, Nikkei, etc to be recalibrated, so that fewer points are better, and 1 is now best.

  • Co-ordinated worldwide reduction of 75.5% in the number of people who know where the fuck all this is going to end up.

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

Monday, 6 October 2008

Observer Woman now officially beyond satire

Unpleasant yet banal drivel here.

Saturday, 4 October 2008

Brown to unveil new, populist Cabinet

Following the outpouring of public affection that has followed Peter Mandelson's return to the Cabinet, Gordon Brown has pledged to make a series of new appointments to the Cabinet based purely on levels of popularity with the public. Among those reported to be in the running for a Cabinet post are Neil and Christine Hamilton, Abu Hamza, the Sinclair C5 and the entire cast of the early 90s BBC soap Eldorado.

Peter Mandelson's moustache makes shock return to cabinet

Gordon Brown's move to bring Peter Mandelson's moustache back into the cabinet has sent shock waves through Westminster. The feud between the pair dates back to the moustache's decision to back Tony Blair's bald spot instead of Mr Brown's luxuriant locks for the Labour leadership in 1994.

Friday, 3 October 2008

Nigerian scam afflicts US citizens

From: Minister of the Treasury Paulson

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

Via real time economics

Brain creates illusions at times of stress - study

Full story.

Thursday, 2 October 2008

David Cameron: Palindromes can solve this economic crisis

Tory leader David Cameron, pictured, yesterday told the Conservative Party conference that a high speed canal link with Central America will be better for the country's economy than a third runway at Heathrow. "A man, a plan, a canal: Panama," he said to wild applause from the Tory faithful. Cameron went on to criticise Prime Minister Gordon Brown. "Go deliver a dare, vile dog," he said before putting the boot into the Lord Chancellor too. "Straw, no, too stupid a fad, I put soot on warts," said Cameron. The Conservative leader also addressed the question of his lack of experience. "Go hang a salami! I'm a lasagna hog!" he claimed angrily.

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