Monday, 30 June 2008

NHS Headline mix-up

A slightly deaf patient was left devastated today by a misheard headline. "I was listening to a story about patients rating hospitals and thought it was just a load of old bollocks about postcodes, rights, dashboards and the quaint idea that people like me have got the first clue about quality of service," he said this afternoon. "I might be really thick but I reckon it will probably just make them see me quickly and rush me through rather than thinking about what's wrong with me," he added. "Then I heard that headline and thought, that's a service I would rate. But no. Typical bloody NHS, it's never about Joe Bloody Bloggs."

Sunday, 29 June 2008

Man sells off whole life

Queen broke shock

The Queen is so strapped for cash she plans to set up premium rate 'Dial-a-Royal' phone lines to boost her coffers. Phone companies fear they will collapse under the strain of demand and a busy operator reported that the most popular question was likely to be "how much for your corgis?" Prince Philip, likely to be besieged by S & M fetishists begging to be abused, is not taking part. Al Fayed's number is barred.

Friday, 27 June 2008

Crackpot to stand in by-election

Crackpot conspiracy theorist David Davis has unexpectedly thrown his hat into the ring to fight the Haltemprice and Howden by-election against David Icke. Davis, a proponent of the death penalty for terrorism suspects, believes that the world is ruled by a reptilian secret group called the "Global Elite" or "Etonati."

Monday, 23 June 2008

RIP Desk: George Carlin

Carlin's blue label.

Shami Chakrabarti: Publicity is a fundamental human right

Liberty director Shami Chakrabarti has criticised what she describes as the alarming erosion of her right to publicity. "I am deeply shocked by your failure to print any gushing profile of me whatsoever since yesterday," she wrote in a letter to newspaper editors today. "I look forward to your written apology, as does my publicist," she added.

Thursday, 19 June 2008

Daily Mail reveals it doesn't understand statistics or language but is disgusted anyway

According to the Daily Mail, the number of under-14 year olds having an abortion has "soared" by 21%. Closer investigation reveals that the soaring 21% amounts to 18 individual children who, in 2007, chose not to become a parent while still a child themselves.

The Daily Mail's confusion is thought to have been caused by its hysteria about underage sex and teenage pregnancy combined with its debilitating fear of abortion which is generally thought to be quite effective in dealing with teenage and other unwanted pregnancies.

Thursday, 12 June 2008

Question mark over David Davis resignation strategy


Pig wears wellies

Last summer he was not expected to survive, but now a little runt called Dave (left of picture) is wallowing in the mud in his own pair of designer wellies. His owner is delighted with the little runt's progress. "He's an absolute swine," he said last night proudly. "We love him."

Sunday, 8 June 2008

Thursday, 5 June 2008

Anger at bidding war over Angelina Jolie pictures

There was disappointment and anger at celebrity magazine OK! as it was discovered that despite bidding $15 million for exclusive rights to the eagerly awaited twin babies expected by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, the magazine will not actually get to keep the babies.

"We feel very let down" said one OK! insider, "I bet Lindsay Lohan would have let us keep them".

You've got mail! You're doomed!

Worried your loved ones won't get the hint when you are Raptured?

Worry no more. Send them an email from Heaven.

H/t: Hit & Run.

Monday, 2 June 2008

Bullingdon Clubbers