Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Happy New Year from all at FTSE 100


Weblog Awards 2008

The 2008 Weblog Awards

You may, if you can bear the excitement, vote here.

Wednesday, 24 December 2008

Physicist's daughter not comforted by Schrödinger's cat paradox

The nine year old daughter of quantum physics professor Jonathan Carnegie has rejected her father's attempts to comfort her in the wake of the disappearance of her pet cat, Edison. The animal has not been seen for six days after leaving the house last Sunday, and Marie Carnegie is pessimistic about the cat's fate. "I just know he's been run over by a car. I'm so upset, and my dad is just making things so much worse with this dead cat in a box, alive cat in a box, superposition thing," she said today. "Also, I really, really wanted to call him Fluffy," she added.

Pope Benedict delivers seasonal message


Tuesday, 23 December 2008

Does a bear, when shitting in the woods, realise how ridiculous it sounds?

Celibate man who wears velvet and ermine dresses, red Prada shoes and who is inseparable from his dashing young personal assistant, warns against the blurring of traditional gender roles.

Friday, 19 December 2008

Monday, 15 December 2008

Bush finds WMD stash in Iraq

Story here.

UPDATE: Dr Evil henchman Random Task taken into preventative custody.

Sunday, 14 December 2008

Paul: I gave John all his best ideas

How I intervened to stop the Vietnam war, by Paul McCartney.
Tomorrow: How I invented the avant garde, just after I tipped off the Dalai Lama about Buddhism and gave JFK the idea to put a man on the moon.

Friday, 12 December 2008

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Sapland theme park to close

It was billed as a magical wonderland but yesterday standards agencies stepped in to close down a David Cameron theme park. Thousands of complaints had been received from visitors saying the attraction was a ‘scam' and did not live up to its billing. Action was taken after disappointed families had threatened two elves who were today named as George Osborne and Alan Duncan.

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Poll: Tories at record levels of sanctimonious cant

An opinion poll published today shows that affected sanctimony amongst Tories is at its highest level for 15 years. Leader David Cameron welcomed the poll which comes in a week in which Tory frontbenchers have lined up to condemn the arrest of Damian Green. "This disgraceful assault on the freedom of Parliament has caused the most serious constitutional crisis since Charles I did that really bad thing, and that was ages ago," said a spokesman for the party today. Asked about the precise relationship between Damian Green and the civil servant at the heart of the leaking row, the spokesman said: "Ooh look, a squirrel!"

Saturday, 29 November 2008

Damian Green arrest: Concern grows

Full story.

Tories fume over crime figures

The number of criminals jailed each year has plunged to the lowest level since Labour came to power, it was revealed last night. The latest statistics from the Ministry of Justice have provoked opposition anger. Shadow Home Secretary Dominic Grieve said: “The number of criminals being given a slap on the wrist with a caution has shot up. These statistics betray ten years of failure by Labour." The rest of the Shadow Cabinet were this morning helping police with their enquiries.

Thursday, 27 November 2008

Henry Porter Convention will highlight important issues

A convention to be held next year aims to highlight the self-importance of Henry Porter. The convention, hosted by Henry Porter, will ask fundamental questions, such as: Is Henry Porter's swollen vanity threatened by an over-powerful state and if so how do we defend ourselves from this? A spokesman for the event, Henry Porter, says: "We are entering a crucial period in our country's history and there is a real danger that too little attention is being paid to Henry Porter, something all too familiar in New Labour's age of censoriousness and control." Henry Porter was today available for comment.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Bush to keep job in Obama administration

George Bush will keep his role as US President under an Obama administration, key Democratic officials are hinting. "The time for partisan rancour is over," Obama transition team co-chair John Podesta says. "President Bush has eight years of valuable experience that this nation can draw on." Democrats have so far been reluctant to assert the mandate given to them in the 4 November elections. Joe Lieberman appears likely to keep his Senate homeland security committee chairmanship, despite campaigning for John McCain. Republican defense secretary Robert Gates could remain in his post after 20 January. And former Bush secretary of state Colin Powell may be offered a position in the new Obama administration. "This administration will hold no grudges," says Podesta. "And have you seen the shit we've got to deal with? I ain't taking the heat for that."

Obama faces stalker threat

President-elect Barack Obama is threatening legal action against a British man who has been stalking him for more than three years. British police say they are monitoring the activities of the man, David Lammy, 36, who claims to be a close friend of Obama. A spokesman for Obama confirmed that action is being considered. “This guy met Barack Obama once in 2005. Since then he has been bombarding us with letters and phone messages and posting pictures on the internet of himself posing with our client." Lammy, a former schoolboy chorister, also claims to be a Harvard graduate, a Privy Councillor and government minister. "We've never heard of him," said the Prime Minister's office today.

Sunday, 16 November 2008

Teenager attempts to become youngest round-the-world yachtsman

Plucky teenager George Osborne set sail from Westminster on Saturday in a bid to become the youngest person to sail solo around Corfu. George, 16, was waved off by scores of family, friends and other well-wishers as he began the gruelling voyage. The young yachtsman said he was nervous, excited and "a little crazy" to do what he was doing at his age. His best friend, Dave Cameron, 16½, said the Conservative Party would really miss him. "Piss off, George," he said, waving happily. "Don't come back," he added.

Thursday, 13 November 2008

Delicate post-partisan consensus kept swaddled in cotton

Advanced Nasa cushioning technology and a half-mile thick shroud of cotton have been deployed to protect an extremely delicate "post-partisan consensus" between Republicans and Democrats after the US election on 4 November. US citizens have been advised to tiptoe in their socks in a 20-mile exclusion zone around the fragile consensus, which is housed in an underground bunker, built on shock-proof springs in Washington DC. Raising seemingly straightforward issues — such as prosecuting Bush administration officials for illegal wire-tapping, torturing detainees and destroying evidence, or dropping Senator Joe Lieberman from the Democratic caucus for openly campaigning against Barack Obama — threaten this most delicate of agreements, pundits have warned. Despite Barack Obama winning a clear mandate as President and Democrats controlling both houses of Congress, suggestions that Republicans can finally go fuck themselves have been dismissed as highly dangerous to the precarious well-being of the race to the centre ground. "Ssshhhhh!" said House speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate majority leader Harry Reid.

"Journalist" permitted to "write" about Obama

Zionist fools across the world were "pleased" with the "election" of warmongering racist Barack Obama, reports John Pilger. Obama, who was allowed to be elected by "liberal" "elites", or neocons, or corporate dictators, whatever, like there's a difference, should be strung up from the nearest tree, just like that "Mandela". Can't be choosy.

Death to Amerikka! And Israel obviously! And free drinks at the Student Union this Friday!

Daily Mail's Random Misogyny Generator

The great new game everyone can play.

Except women, who should be on a DIET.

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Saturday, 8 November 2008

Banks respond to Treasury demands on interest rates

Britain's banks finally responded to growing public and political pressure yesterday to pass on to their customers the full 1.5 percentage point cut in interest rates. After an early morning meeting with the chancellor, Alistair Darling, the UK's biggest lenders yesterday came out one by one and flipped him the bird before running off down Whitehall. By mid afternoon each of the banks that had sought help from the government's £37bn bail-out had mooned in the direction of the Chancellor and invited the Treasury to kiss their lily-white arses. Prime Minister Gordon Brown welcomed the move.

Joe the Plumber returns to well-deserved obscurity


Thursday, 6 November 2008

Tuesday, 4 November 2008

Lap dancing - not exploitation but accountancy

Lap dancing clubs are not part of the sex industry it was announced today; lap dancing clubs have absolutely nothing to do with sex or the use of woman as sexual objects.

This clarification was provided by the Lap Dancing Association who pointed out that lap dancing clubs are actually providing an accountancy service for clients and there is no sexual gratification involved. The accountant (usually a woman) is using her fingers, toes and other body parts to keep a running tally on the accounts for the client. The part of the dance where the lap dancer writhes and proffers her genital area to the client is actually a form of audit which allows the client to check that the numbers have been calculated accurately.

Feminists were embarrassed today at discovering their mistake. "We feel so silly" said their spokesperson.

Democrats stealing election with underage voters, spousal intimidation

David Cameron tells shadow cabinet to give up second jobs


In other news: Is Gary Kemp in line for Shadow Chancellor job?

Saturday, 1 November 2008

Adolf Hitler: Startling footage unearthed

Obama infomercial backfires as Marxist terrorist elite vote collapses

Latest opinion polls suggest that support for Senator Barack Obama amongst the Marxist terrorist elite has halved in recent days. The findings come just days after Obama's 'Infomercial' aired on CBS, NBC and Fox. One Marxist terrorist elitist, who did not wish to be named, says he was disappointed in the broadcast which featured ordinary Americans talking about their economic struggles. "I won't be voting on Tuesday, I'll just be having a normal day, sipping latte and eating sushi," says the Northern Virginian professor. "Damn you America," he adds.

Bullingdon Clubbers